Matchmaker

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Matchmaking is any expert-run process of introducing people for the purposes of dating and mating, usually in the context of marriage.

Much modern matchmaking tends to substitute information technology or game-like rules for the expert's finesse - thus they are discussed separately under dating system. This article will focus on the role of human matchmakers.

In some cultures, the role of the matchmaker was and is quite professionalized. The Ashkenazi Jewish shadchan, or the Hindu astrologer, were often thought to be essential advisors. In cultures where arranged marriages were the rule, the astrologer often claimed that the stars sanctified matches that both parents approved of, making it quite difficult for the possibly-hesitant children to easily object - and also making it easy for the astrologer to collect his fee. The tarot has also been employed by some matchmakers.

Social dance, especially in frontier North America the line dance and square dance, has also been employed in matchmaking, usually informally. However, when farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in church or in such mandated social events. Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed 'busybodies' serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances before they went too far.

The influence of such people in a culture that did not arrange marriages, and in which economic relationships (e.g. "being able to support a family", "good prospects") played a larger role in determining if a (male) suitor was acceptable, is difficult to determine. It may be fair to say only that they were able to speed up, or slow down, relationships that were already forming. In this sense they were probably not distinguishable from relatives, rivals, or others with an interest. Clergy probably played a key role in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society. Matchmaking was certainly one of the peripheral functions of the village priest in Medieval Catholic society, As well as a Talmudic duty of rabbis in traditional Jewish communities.

Since the emergence of the mythology of romantic love in the Christian world in medieval times, the pursuit of happiness via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a human right. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern net dating service is just one of many examples of a dating system where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.

The acceptance of dating systems, however, has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker. Those who find dating systems or services useful but prefer human intelligence and personal touches can choose from a wide range of such services now available.

In Singapore, the Singapore Social Development Unit (SDU), run by the city-state's government, offers a combination of professional counsel and dating system technology, like many commercial dating services. Thus the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a bureaucrat, and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for royalty or upper classes.

Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.

The practice

In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character and level of religious observance.

A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadchan). A professional shadchan often gets a fee for his/her services. There are variations between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get along. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not.

Positive aspects are that the practice complies with Judaism's outlook on "proper behaviour" between men and women and is intended to prevent promiscuity. It also benefits members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.

Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a medical history or active disease, people from broken homes, orphans and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages.

Backgrounds

The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbour" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely to be uncomfortable for the couple, though in no way doomed to be without love, for that is dependent upon the grace of God.

The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).

The Shidduch in Culture

In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking as conducted by an old widow named Yente is somewhat on the satirical side.

Shidduchim in history

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

When Abraham's servant Eliezer proposes to take Rebecca back to Canaan to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage, but this does necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say (veto) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to G-d (just look at Israel & Leah). Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).

Shidduchim and hereditary disease

Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union would result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from Tay-Sachs disease.

Criticism

The process of shidduchim is the subject of some criticism, mainly for being "unromantic" and too closely resembling the practice of arranged marriages. Shidduchim have also proven traumatic for some people with disadvantages (as mentioned above). Yet it appears to be the only viable solution within the Orthodox community for enabling an Orthodox couple to meet and hopefully marry, while adhering to the halakhic strictures of Tzeniut, which tend to limit male-female interaction.

Omiai (Japanese: お見合い) or miai (the o is honorific) is a Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage.

The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way. Parents may enlist the aid of professional matchmakers, nakōdo (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured and/or well-educated. The word "Omiai" is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple with the matchmaker and often couple's parents present. Omiai's are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire. Company bosses may also search out mates for single male employees who are about to be sent abroad. Over the next few subsequent dates, the couple will discuss whether they want to get married or not.

Although this custom is sometimes described as "arranged marriage", in its modern form, it is the couple that makes the final decision whether to marry or not. Quite often one side or the other will veto the idea of a union, and the matchmaker will then introduce other prospects. Japanese children seek to take their parents' wishes into account, and may, for example, turn down an attractive prospect if the parents are opposed.

If a union is successfully negotiated, the groom and his parents will pay a visit to the bride's family and present them with a Yuino (Japanese: 結納), a dowry, intended in part to offset the expenses involved in paying for the wedding.

In Japan, there is considerable debate about the relative merits of omiai marriages versus ren'ai marriages (i.e. love matches based on romantic love). The traditional view of love in Japan was volatile, unpredictable unlikely to last, similar in some ways to the view in Romeo and Juliet: "like fire and powder, Which as they kiss, consume." Omiai is often presented as a more practical alternative, focusing on the man's ability to provide for the family, and the woman's cultural attainments, such as the ability to arrange flowers or do the tea ceremony.

Omiai marriages are more common in rural areas of Japan.


The concept of matchmaking is also used in the business world and known as B2B Matchmaking, Business Events or Brokerage Events. In contradiction to social networking solutions, real meetings between business people are in focus. Trade fair organisations e.g. find this concept an added value for their exhibitors because it gives them the opportunity of advanced planned meetings.

A dating system is any systemic means of improving matchmaking via rules or technology. It is a specialized meeting system where the objective of the meeting, be it live or phone or chat based, is to go on a live date with someone, with usually romantic implications. Recently, "couple-dating" and "friend-dating" systems have also become popular, especially among those who met on dating systems and enjoy the interactions, but have settled down with mates.

The history of dating systems is as interesting as the history of technologies that support them. Live dating systems or methods are usually not considered as separate from the matchmaking process, which often employs games or rules or rituals in many cultures, so these are discussed in more depth in that article.

A notable and recent live dating system that does not seem to have arisen in traditional matchmaking is speed dating, which relies to some degree on the transportation and communication facilities of a modern society, and reflects its accelerated pace of life.

These live dating systems do not typically impose a great deal of structure on the actual interaction between the individuals considering going on dates. This article is concerned with actual 'systems' that do more than simple introductions, and where interactions are often strongly structured, down to the details:

  • "Computer dating" systems of the early-to-mid 20th century, especially popular in the 1960s and 1970s, before the rise of sophisticated phone and computer systems, gave customers forms that they filled out with important tolerances and preferences, which were "matched by computer" to determine "compatibility" of the two customers.
  • "Video dating" systems of the 1980s and 1990s especially, where customers gave a performance on (typically VHS tape) video, which was viewable by other customers, usually in private, in the same facility. Some services would record and play back videos for men and women on alternate days to minimize the chance that customers would meet each other on the street.
  • "Phone dating" systems of about the same vintage, where customers call a common voice mail or phone-chat server at a common local phone number, and are connected with other (reputed) singles, and typically charged by the minute as if it were a long-distance call (often a very expensive one). A key problem of such systems was that they were hard to differentiate from a phone porn service or "phone sex" where female operators are paid to arouse male customers, and have no intention of dating them, ever.
  • Online dating services of the 1990s and today, which may incorporate a form-, video-, or audio-/phone-based component, integrating them into a single "profile" and providing multiple means to communicate (including the telephone).

There are also dating game shows, e.g. Blind Date, Fifth Wheel, The Bachelor, in which a high degree of support and aids are provided to individuals seeking dates. These are described more fully in an article on them alone, and in the related article on "reality game shows" that often include or motivate romantic episodes between players.

Singapore's largest dating service, Singapore's Social Development Unit (SDU) is the world's only government-run dating system.

Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process or dating system (a variant of a meeting system) whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah, as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews. It has been made more popular by its use on dating game shows such as Fifth Wheel and has recently become popular in the gay community. Supporters argue that speed dating saves time, as most people decide if they are romantically compatible very quickly, and first impressions are often permanent.

In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, they are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. To maximize the number of interactions, organizers often depart from the original idea and set meeting times as low as one minute per person. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure (especially on women) to accept or reject a suitor to their face.

Organization

To ensure that no participant is left alone during a round, events always have an even number of participants, and at heterosexual events the number of male and female participants is equal.

Advantages

Proponents of speed dating cite its advantages as:

  • it allows singles to meet a large number of new people in one easy event;
  • it is especially efficient for busy professionals or those that have limited social circles;
  • it levels the playing field for men and women;
  • men do not have to play their traditional role as the aggressor - both men and women are forced to meet and interact
  • the structured interaction helps shy people to overcome their inhibitions;
  • the time limit ensures that no one is stuck talking to someone longer than they wish;
  • the matching process occurs after the event, ensuring people do not have to face rejection in person

Criticisms

Critics of speed dating claim:

  • it reinforces first impressions, which may not be reliable indicators of long-term compatibility.
  • it tends to put less extroverted subjects at a disadvantage.

Despite these criticisms, speed dating continues to grow in popularity.

Scientific Research

One study of speed dating concluded that eight minutes is more than sufficient to determine if the range of a mate's hormones, a key indicator of immunities, is complementary (different) from one's own. This is claimed by some researchers to be the key factor in the so-called "first impression", and since it is olfactory (smell-based), there is no need for two individuals considering child-raising to spend more time on first impressions, it being more important to "sniff out" other mates. This view is often rejected by critics as reducing humans to dog-like status, sniffing each other and then running off to sniff others.

Speed dating in popular culture

Speed dating was featured in the following movies and TV shows:

  • Hitch (2005)
  • The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
  • The L Word (2005)

In a 2004 episode of Dead Like Me, "Hurry," Daisy goes speed dating to take the soul of one of the men participating.

A 2006 episode of the reality show Beauty and the Geek featured speed dating as one of the challenges faced by the 'geeks'.

An episode of Gilmore Girls featured Rory's friend Paris attempting speed dating after the death of her professor boyfriend, but finding herself frustrated with the lacking dating pool and elusive conversation.

In 2004 Solent Peoples Theatre (UK) adapted the format to create an activity for political representatives to consult with their constituents. A large number of UK local authorities now regularly hold Political Speed Dating events.

A 2002 episode of the Australian comedy series Kath and Kim, where Kim, estranged from her husband of 2 months, goes with her obese ugly friend Sharon to a Speed Dating event. However, all the girls there are overshadowed by Sharon due to her phenomenal knowledge of Cricket.

This episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy featured a straight man that the Fab 5 made over to become worthy enough to pick up at a HurryDate brand speed dating party.

External links

A Net dating service, also known as online dating or internet dating, is an example of a dating system and allows individuals, couples and groups to meet online and possibly develop a romantic or sexual relationship. Net dating services provide un-moderated matchmaking through the use of personal computers the Internet or even cell phones.

Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender and location. Most sites allow members to upload photos of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, and message boards. Sites sometimes allow people to register for free but may offer services which require a monthly fee.

Many sites are broad-based, with members from a variety of backgrounds looking for different types of relationships. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, location, or relationship desired.

Trends

U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of “paid content” on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.

At the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including Yahoo Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony. eHarmony CEO Greg Forgatch noted that despite the growing number of sites catering to specific niches "to become a major player, it still takes a large number of people."

In 2002, a Wired magazine article forecast that, "Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love without looking for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because 'the right books are found only by accident.' ...serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love, like it or not, is becoming more efficient"[1].

The online dating trend has also become very successful in Europe in the past decade. Not only has match.com opened local branches in European countries to cater to their particular culture and language, but also a French company, Meetic, has become one of the top sites. Their success has encouraged new start-ups and niche sites to come on board.

Problems with Online Dating Services

The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles are not actually real persons. It has become a habit of some companies to plant "fake" profiles that are in reality advertisements to other sites or...in some cases a lure to get the person to continue the service after he has cancelled by receiving a message from a supposedly interested person. There are however, free dating sites that users do not have to pay for to use and reply to messages.

In addition, many services contain quantitative profile options that engender misrepresentations. Members of online dating sites are not trusting the descriptions of their fellow members. There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern. According to Keynote, 61% of customers are concerned that members are misrepresenting themselves. Unfortunately, the members of online dating sites have little control with the way they are represented due to the limited options offered through descriptions and characteristics.

A variant of online dating is what is called Matrimonials Sites geared towards meeting people for the purpose of getting married.

Pop culture

  • You've Got Mail a film in which the two main characters conduct a relationship entirely over e-mail before meeting each other.
  • Must Love Dogs, a 2005 film about two people trying to find love through online dating.
  • Napoleon Dynamite, a film which pokes fun at the concept by having a character obsessed with meeting women online.


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