Arranged marriage

An arranged marriage is a marriage in which the marital partners are chosen by others based on considerations other than the pre-existing mutual attraction of the partners. Among Muslims an arranged marriage can refer to a marriage where husband and wife got to known during meetings initially arranged by their parents with the stated intention of finding a spouse. In this case the actual marriage only happens if there is considerable mutual attraction of the partners. Otherwise the parents seek to arrange meetings with further potential spouses.

Variations

The term "arranged marriage" is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

Traditional arranged marriage: The parents choose the child's future spouse with no input from the child. If the child refuses the choice of the parents, the child may be punished or disowned (or in rare cases, killed).

Modern arranged marriage: The parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice.

Modern arranged marriage with courtship: Same as above, except the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision.

Introduction only: The parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse that they found through a personal recommendation or a website. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise (although premarital sex is usually frowned upon). The parents may try to influence the child's choice or generally pressure the child to choose someone soon.

In all of the above cases except the traditional arranged marriage, the child may have the option of finding a spouse on his or her own. Many children view an arranged marriage as an option they may use if they are unable or unwilling to find an acceptable spouse on their own. As with any marriage, arranged or not, the parents may disapprove of the child's choice.

Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. In this case, the term is often applied if the spouses meet through a website or other third party and the couple decides to marry primarily for reasons other than love.

International arranged marriages

In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. For example, the man may be an American of Indian ancestry and the woman may be an Indian living in India who will move to America after the marriage.

Mail-order bride

In this case, an arranged marriage may be beneficial because the man's parents can get to know the woman and her family to better ensure that she is not misrepresenting herself in order to simply immigrate to a wealthy country. Also, the woman's parents can learn about the man and his family to ensure that their daughter will be safe in a foreign country.

Mail-order bride is a label applied to a woman who lists herself in a catalog or marriage agency that publishes her intent to marry a foreign man. Although the label is widely used, it has derogatory connotations and may be offensive. Generally, courtship between a mail-order bride and her foreign partner is brief or absent. Mail-order brides hail from dozens of developing countries and a few hail from developed ones. Ukraine, Russia, Colombia and the Philippines have particularly large numbers of mail-order brides [1].

Mail-order husbands also exist through "reverse publications". Rather than waiting to be contacted, women can contact men directly from advertisements in publications advertising (usually) American, British and Australian men. These usually generate hundreds of letters to an advertising male who would still have to follow the same process as one seeking a mail-order bride. This gives women a more active role in the process and helps men find women they may otherwise have overlooked. [citeneeded]

Contrast with arranged marriage

The mail-order bride process differs from an arranged marriage. An arranged marriage is one in which the marital partners are chosen by others, usually parents, based on considerations other than the pre-existing mutual attraction of the partners, while a mail-order bride is selected by a man from a catalog of such women, sometimes with the assistance of a marriage agency.

Concerns

Concerns that have been frequently reported regarding the practice are:

• Adaptation difficulties - brides face cultural, and linguistic barriers in their new countries and with their husbands. Some husbands are unfamiliar with their wives' culture, language, food preferences or religious practices. It is also an opportunity for both to learn each others cultures.
• Misrepresentation (female) - brides enter a marriage solely to obtain a work permit, permanent residence or citizenship in a more desirable country.
• Misrepresentation (male) - men seek mail-order brides solely as a diversion or for sex with no intent of marriage, or no intent of forging a serious, caring relationship.
• Sham marriage - the couple marries with knowledge that the marriage is solely for the purpose of obtaining legal status for the woman in the destination country. This is frequently arranged as a business transaction. This occurs more commonly with foreigners already in the country and not with mail order brides. Immigration (USCIS) can punish this with a $250,000 fine and five year prison sentence.
• Stereotyping - Asian mail-order brides are frequently portrayed as submissive, obedient, loyal, soft-spoken, meek, devoted, cooperative, family-oriented, etc. Women from other regions are also frequently stereotyped. Some people consider things like "family oriented" to be sexist; others do not.
• Fraud - like all kinds of Internet businesses, some marriage agencies operate entirely as a scheme to defraud male clients. [2]
• Abuse and people trafficking - Just as in regular marriages, women risk involvement with abusive partners or domestic slavery. Due to the nature of the mail-order bride relationship, there is a popular perception that mail-order brides may find themselves married to husbands who do not care for or respect them. It is difficult to find documentation of such claims. Three mail order brides have been murdered in the past 20 years compared to thousands of regular American brides who have been murdered [3]. Because regular brides vastly outnumber mail-order brides, of course, these statistics do not show that a mail-order bride is more or less likely to be abused or murdered than an American woman.

Immigration issues by country

United States

The United States issues a K-1 "fiancé(e)" visa that is valid for 90-days. The USCIS reports that approximately 17,263 such visas were issued in fiscal 2001, about 7988 coming from Asia and about 4714 coming from Europe (including all of the former Soviet Union states). This type of visa application specifies the applicant's fiancé. If the visa holder does not marry the specified fiancé within the validity of the visa, she is required to return to her country of origin. However, if she marries her fiancé, she obtains permanent resident status. This status is conditional for a period of two years, after which the couple is expected to apply to have the condition removed. Removal requires the couple prove that they are married to each other in good faith. Supporting evidence is reviewed during an interview and often consists wedding photos, love letters, and other articles indicating a genuine marital relationship. This process is intended to prevent would-be immigrants from abandoning their sponsors immediately after obtaining residency and fraudulent marriages solely for the purpose of immigration. There are exceptions. For example, a woman who is determined to have been a battered wife is exempt. Exemptions are also granted if a woman shows that the marriage was bonafide or if her spouse dies. Additional information on this topic can be found at Immigration Letter Weekly.

Canada

Canadian immigration laws have traditionally been similar to but slightly less restrictive than their US counterparts.

Until recently Canada's immigration policy regarding mail-order brides used the "family class" to refer to spouses and dependents and "fiancé(e)" for those intending to marry, with only limited recognition of opposite-sex "common law" relationships; same-sex partners were processed as independent immigrants or under a discretionary provision for "humane and compassionate" considerations.

In 2002, the Canada immigration law was completely revised. One of the major changes was conjugal partner sponsorship, which is available between any two people (including same sex couples) that have had conjugal relations together for at least one year.

Taiwan

In Taiwan (Republic of China), mail-order brides come primarily from Mainland China and Southeast Asia, especially Vietnam. Those who come from Mainland China are colloquially known as dalu mei (大陸妹, pinyin: dàlù mèi, literally: little sisters from the mainland).

The marriage and immigration are arranged by licensed marriage brokers. In some cases, the selection of foreign brides could be considered by some as resembling a cattle market or slave trade as depicted in Chien-Chi Chang’s photo book Double Happiness (ISBN 1931788561).

This form of marriage is significant as it is the only legal form of immigration from Mainland China to Taiwan. Although from Mainland China, dalu mei are not normally considered members of the Mainlander minority on Taiwan. There are also mail-order grooms from Mainland China who immigrate to Taiwan, although this is much less common.

Many commentators have pointed out that the immigration of foreign brides from Mainland China and Southeast Asia is already changing the ethnic composition of Taiwan, in that mail-order brides and their children already outnumber Taiwanese aborigines. Some now consider foreign brides to be Taiwan’s fledging fifth ethnic group and are interested in observing how Taiwan’s demographics will gradually change by this group. In recent years, there has been a proliferation of Vietnamese stores and restaurants in Taiwan that are operated by Vietnamese brides.

Some pro-Taiwan independence parties such as the Taiwan Solidarity Union have expressed concerns that brides from Mainland China and their children will adversely influence the ROC’s political landscape as they acquire ROC citizenship. However, these attitudes are not universal even among pro-independence supporters, and President Chen Shuibian of the independence-leaning Democratic Progressive Party made a particular point of welcoming these brides at his campaign activities in 2004. Also, there was a poll that suggested that Mainland Chinese brides tend to vote for the same political party that their husbands vote.

Proponents' views

Proponents of arranged marriage claim that arranged marriages are more successful than other marriages. They hold that the spouses in an arranged marriage begin without any expectations from each other, and that as the relationship matures, a greater understanding between the two develops, aided by their often similar socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. In contrast, they feel that persons who enter into a marriage for romantic reasons often begin with unreasonable expectations, with little room for improvement but a great chance of failure.

The parents, who often arrange the marriages, are trusted to make a match that is in the best interest of their children; though there are times when the choosers select a match that serves their interest and not the couple’s. However, the community and even the children may see this as an acceptable risk.

Economic principle of arranged marriages

Arranged marriages operate on the notion that marriages are primarily an economic union or a means to have children. It sees relationships as defined on the basis of economic dimensions on which social-sexual relationships would be based and defined.

It has also been said that in some cultures where divorce is forbidden or uncommon, arranged marriage would work out nicely because both husband and wife would accept the marriage producing their best efforts to make it a success instead of breaking up at the slightest conflict. Others do object, however, that in an "ordinary" sentimental marriage there would be no reason not to make the same, or even greater efforts, in the aim of a success that could be much more relevant for the couple (in presence of true sentimens of course).

Sociopolitics of arranged marriage

In a large number of arranged marriages, the male is older than the female. This age disparity is usually intentional; some societies consider it proper for an older man to be united with a younger woman. In an arranged marriage the women always seeks a man who is at least equal if not higher to her in socio-economic status. Rarely does an arranged marriage happen where the male is lower to the woman, either in socio-economic status, caste, class or by height.Class was often the basis of a good marriage, but not always.

Unification Church Matchings

Rev. Sun Myung Moon has conducted thousands of arranged marriages, mostly for early members of the Unification Movement. Nowadays, Moon rarely performs these matchings himself, although he does still arrange couples from the second generation of Unificationist Blessed Couples.

Shidduch

Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.

The phenomenon

In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character and level of religious observance.

A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadchan). A professional shadchan often gets a fee for his/her services. There are variations between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get on. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not.

Positive aspects are that the practice complies with Judaism's outlook on "proper behaviour" between men and women and is intended to prevent promiscuity. It also benefits members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.

Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a medical history or active disease, people from broken homes, orphans and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages.

Backgrounds

The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbour" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely doomed to be without love.

The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).

The shidduch in art

In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking is possibly somewhat on the satirical side.

Shidduchim in history

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).

Shidduchim and hereditary disease

Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union would result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from Tay-Sachs disease.

Criticism

The process of shidduchim is under a fair bit of criticism, mainly for being "unromantic" and too closely resembling the practice of arranged marriages. It has also proven quite traumatic for people with disadvantages (as mentioned above). Yet, within the legal limitations, it appears to be the only viable solution within the Orthodox community.

Shim-pua marriage

Shim-pua marriage (Taiwanese: sin-pū-á, sim-pū-á) was a Taiwanese tradition of arranged marriage, where a poor family (burdened by too many children) would sell a young daughter to a richer family for labour, and in exchange, the poorer family would be married into the richer family, through the daughter. The girl acted both as an adopted daughter (to be married with a young male member of the adopted family in the future) and free labour. Due to the lower-class status of the girls, discrimination was often present, and slavery-like treatment was not uncommon.

These marriages were rarely successful, principally because of a lack of sexual attraction between the husband and wife. This has been explained as a classic demonstration of the Westermarck effect.

Shim-pua marriage fell out of practice in the 1970s due to increased wealth from Taiwan's economic success making these arrangements unnecessary. A direct translation of "Shim-pua" is simply "little daughter-in-law."

Child marriage

Child marriage is a practice in which the parents of a small child (even infants) arrange a future marriage with another child's parents. The children are betrothed or promised to each other. Often the two children never even meet each other until the wedding ceremony, when they are both of an acceptable marriageable age — which age differs based upon custom. In some cultures, the age is at or even before the onset of puberty.

Child marriage has been practiced in many cultures for centuries. It continues to this day, although it has extremely few advocates. The practice has been popular in India and Sub-Saharan Africa. It was also common among the nobility of some countries, with betrothal being used to secure political alliances in much the same way that marriage was.

The rationale behind this practice is that a child's parents can arrange a sensible match with the parents of a child from a suitable family, thus securing the child's future at a young age. Many people who have been married in this way do grow to love and cherish their spouses after the marriage. It is thought by adherents that physical attaction is not a suitable foundation upon which to build a marriage and a family.

Families are able to cement political and/or financial ties by having children intermarry. The betrothal is considered a binding contract upon the families and the children. The breaking of a betrothal can have serious consequences for both the families and the children themselves. The practice of child marriage has continued to fall further and further out of favor in modern times; however, it is still practiced by some sub-cultures.

References

ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

• Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1568711328.

External links

• End The Madness, support for singles who have suffered stigma in the shidduch process.
• The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
• Arranged Marriages? chabad.org
• Child Marriage - (Bal Vivaaha)
• Forced child marriage tests Pakistan law - BBC news

Australia

• Migrating as a Spouse, Partner or Fiancé(e)

Canada

• Citizenship & Immigration

Taiwan

• The Taipei Times, (search for "foreign brides" in its full archive search; free registration required)

USA

• The "Mail-order Bride" Industry and Its Impact on U.S. Immigration

• Information on the "International Marriage Broker's Regulation Act"
• Mail Order Husbands?, an article that explores the lack of foreign men available for American women

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