Difference between revisions of "Matchmaker" - New World Encyclopedia

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'''Matchmaking''' is any expert-run process of introducing people for the purposes of [[dating]] and [[mating]], usually in the context of [[marriage]].
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[[Category:Marriage and family]]
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'''Matchmaking''' is the process of introducing a couple as potential partners in [[marriage]]. People in diverse [[culture]]s, past and present, have sought assistance from matchmakers because they may have a deeper understanding of human character, a wider connection to acquaintances, and greater knowledge and experience to help someone choose a marriage partner. The increase in popularity of "love matches" based on romantic and physical attraction, together with a loosening of the restrictions on behavior and decline in [[arranged marriage]]s, led to a decline in the use of matchmakers with young people turning to various social situations to find prospective partners. [[Technology|Technological]] advances, however, have seen the re-emergence of the matchmaking process, as [[computer]]s and the [[internet]] became popular tools in the search for an ideal mate. Ultimately, though, the involvement of more than technology is necessary to guide people to find a partner with whom they can build a harmonious relationship leading to a loving [[family]], based on not only the physical but also the spiritual aspects of their lives.  
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{{toc}}
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==Historical Overview==
  
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Much modern matchmaking tends to substitute [[information technology]] or game-like rules for the expert's finesse - thus they are discussed separately under [[dating system]]. This article will focus on the role of human matchmakers.
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Historically, in many [[culture]]s parents would request the assistance of a matchmaker in finding a suitable spouse for their child. The job of the matchmaker was extremely important because dating and free choice of a marriage partner was not allowed, and the only way for young people marry was by [[arranged marriage]]. For many centuries, the matchmaker's job was to check the ethnic identity and compatibility of the proposed couple. They could also act as "middlemen" by introducing potential candidates, especially if the acquaintances of the parents and family were limited.  
  
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In some cultures, the role of the matchmaker was and is quite professionalized.  The [[Ashkenazi]] Jewish [[shadchan]], or the [[Hindu astrologer]], were often thought to be essential advisors.  In cultures where [[arranged marriage]]s were the rule, the [[astrologer]] often claimed that the stars sanctified matches that both parents approved of, making it quite difficult for the possibly-hesitant children to easily object - and also making it easy for the astrologer to collect his fee.  The [[tarot]] has also been employed by some matchmakers.
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Matchmakers were generally paid an agreed upon fee or a percentage of the [[dowry]].
  
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[[Social dance]], especially in frontier North America the [[line dance]] and [[square dance]], has also been employed in matchmaking, usually informally.  However, when farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in church or in such mandated social events.  Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed 'busybodies' serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances before they went too far. 
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===Jewish ''shadkhan''===
  
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The influence of such people in a culture that did not arrange marriages, and in which economic relationships (e.g. "being able to support a family", "good prospects") played a larger role in determining if a (male) suitor was acceptable, is difficult to determine.  It may be fair to say only that they were able to speed up, or slow down, relationships that were already forming. In this sense they were probably not distinguishable from relatives, rivals, or others with an interest.  [[Clergy]] probably played a key role in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society.  Matchmaking was certainly one of the peripheral functions of the [[village priest]] in Medieval [[Catholic]] society, As well as a [[Talmud]]ic duty of [[rabbi]]s in traditional Jewish communities.
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The [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]] word ''shadkhan'' (plural ''shadkhanim'') comes from the root word, ''shidikh'' (“match”). The [[Aramaic language|Aramaic]] translation is ''sheket'' (“silence”) implying tranquility or peacefulness. In [[Judaism]] it is customary for the father to choose a bride for his son but sometimes the father requested the assistance of a ''shadkhan'' to find a bride of the highest integrity and virtue.
  
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Since the emergence of the mythology of [[romantic love]] in the Christian world in medieval times, the [[pursuit of happiness]] via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a [[human right]]. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern [[net dating service]] is just one of many examples of a [[dating system]] where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.
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[[Abraham]]’s servant, Eliezer, acted as an early ''shadkhan'' when Abraham sent him to his family's homeland in Aram-Naharayim to find a wife for his son, [[Isaac]] (Genesis 24:1-27). When Eliezer and his traveling companions arrived, Eliezer stopped his camels near the well where the daughters of the townspeople came to draw water. He prayed to God, "Let it be that the girl to whom I will say, 'Please tip over your jug so I can drink,' will say, 'Drink, and I will also water your camels,' that is the one You have designated for Your servant, for Isaac…." (Genesis 24:14). Rebekah arrived at the well and drew water for not only for Eliezer, but also for all his camels. The way Rebekah performed these tasks with liveliness and eagerness, proved to Eliezer that he had found a bride worthy of Isaac.
  
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The acceptance of [[dating system]]s, however, has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker. Those who find dating systems or services useful but prefer human intelligence and personal touches can choose from a wide range of such services now available.
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During the [[Middle Ages]], when courtships were frowned upon and many Jewish families lived in isolated communities, ''shadkhanim'' were depended on to collect and evaluate information on the qualities and backgrounds of the potential spouses. The ''[[shadkhan]]'' was usually paid a percentage of the [[dowry]].  
  
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In [[Singapore]], the [[Singapore Social Development Unit]] (SDU), run by the [[city-state]]'s [[government]], offers a combination of professional counsel and [[dating system]] technology, like many commercial dating services.  Thus the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a [[bureaucrat]], and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for [[royal family|royalty]] or [[upper class]]es.
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In larger Jewish communities of [[Eastern Europe]], the reputation of the ''shadkhanim'' was tainted by the matchmakers who cared more about the financial benefit than the sincerity of an honest representation.  
  
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'''''Shidduch''''' (or '''''shiduch''''') ([[Hebrew language|Hebrew]]: שידוך, pl. '''''shid[d]uchim''''' שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of [[matchmaking|introducing eligible and marriageable singles]] to each other in [[Orthodox Judaism|Orthodox Jewish]] communities.
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A number of famous [[rabbi]]s in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi [[Yaakov ben Moshe Levi Moelin]] (Germany, 1355-1427).
  
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==The practice==
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===Japanese Nakōdo===
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In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for [[Jewish view of marriage|marriage]], and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character and level of religious observance.
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''Omiai'' (Japanese: お見合い) or ''miai'' (the ''o'' is honorific) is a [[tradition]]al [[Japan]]ese [[custom]] whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage. Parents may enlist the aid of professional matchmakers, ''nakōdo'' (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured, and/or well-educated. The word ''omiai'' is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple, with the matchmaker and the couple's parents present.  
  
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A ''shidduch'' is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a '''shadchan'''). A professional ''shadchan'' often gets a fee for his/her services. There are variations between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.
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The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way. ''Omiai'''s are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire.  
  
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After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get along. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get [[engagement|engaged]] or not.
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Since the mid-twentieth century, traditional ''omiai'' marriages became less popular, particularly among the more educated, city-dwelling young people, for whom dating practices, personal preference, and "love matches" based on romantic love became more popular. Even though ''omiai'' marriages have continued in rural areas of Japan, professional ''nakōdo'' are uncommon, with the parents, other relatives, or village elders, performing the function of the matchmaker.
  
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Positive aspects are that the practice complies with [[Judaism]]'s outlook on "[[Tzeniut|proper behaviour]]" between men and women and is intended to prevent [[promiscuity]]. It also benefits members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.
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===Korean matchmakers===
  
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Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a [[medicine|medical]] history or active disease, people from [[divorce|broken homes]], [[orphan]]s and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages.
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In traditional [[Korea]]n society, when a man or woman matured to a marriageable age, the family searched for a prospective spouse by going to a matchmaker, called ''jung-me.'' Families visited a matchmaker with the resumes of the young person and ask them to find a compatible person. [[Social status|Status]] and earning potential were evaluated as well as the families’ [[lineage]], of which Koreans keep precise records and consider highly significant. After discussions with the family about potential candidates, the matchmaker would propose a spouse. For successful matches, the matchmaker received a negotiated fee.
  
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==Backgrounds==
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Then, a fortune-teller was contacted to make sure the couple would be a harmonious and successful match. The fortune-teller first examined the ''saju,'' the "Four Pillars," which are the year, month, day, and hour of the birth, of the prospective groom and bride which supposedly influence one's fortune. The next process, called ''kunghap'' (mutual compatibility), is considered of such importance that even when the four pillars predict good fortune, if the ''kunghap'' predicts difficulty the match may not proceed. Since the proposed couple's fortune, depending on spiritual aspects, is of paramount importance, oftentimes-female ''mudang'' ([[shaman]]) would take over the whole matchmaking process.
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The [[Talmud]] (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the [[Torah]] statement: "Love your ''neighbour'' (''re'acha'') like yourself" ([[Leviticus]] 19:18), where the word "''neighbour''" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is [[arranged marriage|arranged]] so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely to be uncomfortable for the couple, though in no way doomed to be without love, for that is dependent upon the grace of God.
 
  
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The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval [[Rabbi]] [[Nissim of Gerona]] (commonly called ''Ran'') traces it back to the [[Aramaic]] word for "calm" (cf. [[Targum]] to [[Book of Judges|Judges]] 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the ''shidduch'' process is for young people to "''settle down''" into marriage (Commentary of the ''Ran'' to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).
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Matchmakers continue to be widely used in [[South Korea]], particularly in more rural areas.
  
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==The ''Shidduch'' in Culture==
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===Western matchmakers===
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In [[Fiddler on the Roof]], Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking as conducted by an old widow named Yente is somewhat on the satirical side.
 
  
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==''Shidduchim'' in history==
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[[Clergy]] played a key role as matchmakers in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society. Matchmaking was one of the peripheral functions of the village [[priest]] in [[Medieval]] [[Catholicism|Catholic]] society, as well as a [[Talmud]]ic duty of [[rabbi]]s in traditional [[Judaism|Jewish]] communities.
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The first recorded ''shidduch'' was the match that [[Abraham]]'s servant [[Eliezer]] made for his master's son [[Isaac]] ([[Genesis]] ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose [[Rebekah]]. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her ([[Rashi]], commentary to [[Genesis]] 24:67).
 
  
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When Abraham's servant Eliezer proposes to take Rebecca back to [[Canaan]] to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an [[arranged marriage]], but this does necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say ([[veto]]) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to G-d (just look at [[Israel]] & [[Leah]]). Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.
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Social dances in [[United States|North America]], especially line dances and square dances, have been utilized for matchmaking, albeit informally. When farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in [[church]] or in such mandated social events. Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed "busybodies" serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances.
  
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A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi [[Yaakov ben Moshe Levi Moelin|Yaakov Moelin]] ([[Germany]], [[1355]]-[[1427]]).
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Matchmaking was one of the oldest traditions of [[Ireland]], especially related to the fact that the country had two classes: the rich landowners and the poor [[peasantry|peasants]]. The rich had their sons and daughters matched with other people who were well-to-do. The Spa Town of Lisdoonvarna, in the Burren Mountains of County Clare was picked because people went there in the thousands to drink the healthy Spa waters and bathe in the three different mineral waters. The month of September was chosen since it was when the hay and crops were saved and the livestock did not need extra feeding until later in the autumn. Matchmakers of old were the dealers who attended street fairs, as it was they who knew which farmers who had eligible sons and daughters around the country. They collected generous [[dowry|dowries]] when matches were made successfully. The Matchmaking Festival still takes place every year during September and October in Lisdoonvarna.<ref>[http://www.matchmakerireland.com/ Lisdoonvarna’s Matchmaking Festival]. ''Matchmaker Ireland.com''. Retrieved August 27, 2008. </ref>
  
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==''Shidduchim'' and hereditary disease==
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==Matchmaking and Technology==
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Considering the prevalence of a number of [[Genetic disorder|genetic disease]]s in both the [[Ashkenazi]] and [[Sephardi]] communities, several organisations (most notably [[Dor Yeshorim]]) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a ''shidduch'' is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union would result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from [[Tay-Sachs disease]].
 
  
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==Criticism==
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As societies "modernized" in the twentieth century, matchmakers and [[arranged marriage]]s came to be regarded as "old-fashioned." Young people took the idea of romantic love as more important than the values of their parents and matchmakers, and began to look for their partners in a variety of places. With [[technology|technological]] advances such as the [[internet]] allowing people to [[communicate]] worldwide, the search for [[marriage]] partners has extended to this medium.
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The process of ''shidduchim'' is the subject of some criticism, mainly for being "[[romantic love|unromantic]]" and too closely resembling the practice of [[arranged marriage]]s. Shidduchim have also proven traumatic for some people with disadvantages (as mentioned above). Yet it appears to be the only viable solution within the [[Orthodox Judaism|Orthodox]] community for enabling an Orthodox couple to meet and hopefully marry, while adhering to the halakhic strictures of [[Tzeniut]], which tend to limit male-female interaction.
 
  
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'''Omiai''' (Japanese: お見合い) or '''miai''' (the ''o'' is honorific) is a Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of [[marriage]].
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Since the emergence of the mythology of romantic love in the Christian world in medieval times, the pursuit of happiness via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a human right. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern net dating service is just one of many examples of a dating system where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.
  
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The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own.  Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way.  Parents may enlist the aid of professional [[matchmaker]]s, ''nak&#333;do'' (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured and/or well-educated.  The word "Omiai" is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple with the matchmaker and often couple's parents present.  Omiai's are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire.  Company bosses may also search out mates for single male employees who are about to be sent abroad.  Over the next few subsequent dates, the couple will discuss whether they want to get married or not.
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U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of “paid content” on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.  
  
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Although this custom is sometimes described as "[[arranged marriage]]", in its modern form, it is the couple that makes the final decision whether to marry or not. Quite often one side or the other will veto the idea of a union, and the matchmaker will then introduce other prospects. Japanese children seek to take their parents' wishes into account, and may, for example, turn down an attractive prospect if the parents are opposed.
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By the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony.
  
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If a union is successfully negotiated, the groom and his parents will pay a visit to the bride's family and present them with a Yuino (Japanese: 結納), a dowry, intended in part to offset the expenses involved in paying for the wedding.
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===Dating systems===
  
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In Japan, there is considerable debate about the relative merits of omiai marriages versus ren'ai marriages (i.e. love matches based on romantic love).  The traditional view of love in Japan was volatile, unpredictable unlikely to last, similar in some ways to the view in ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]'': "like fire and powder, Which as they kiss, consume."  Omiai is often presented as a more practical alternative, focusing on the man's ability to provide for the family, and the woman's cultural attainments, such as the ability to arrange flowers or do the [[Japanese tea ceremony|tea ceremony]].
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A "dating system" is any systemic means of improving matchmaking via rules or [[technology]]. It is a specialized meeting system either live in person, on the phone, or in "chat rooms" online. The acceptance of dating systems has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker.  
  
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''Omiai'' marriages are more common in rural areas of Japan.
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Net dating services, also known as online dating or internet dating, provide unmediated matchmaking through the use of personal [[computer]]s, the [[internet]], or even cell phones. Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, and then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender, and location. Most sites allow members to upload photographs of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, and message boards.  
  
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In [[Singapore]], the Singapore Social Development Unit (SDU), run by the city-state's government, offers a combination of professional counsel and dating system technology, like many commercial dating services. Thus, the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a bureaucrat, and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for royalty or upper classes.
  
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The concept of matchmaking is also used in the business world and known as B2B Matchmaking, Business Events or Brokerage Events. In contradiction to social networking solutions, real meetings between business people are in focus. Trade fair organisations  e.g. find this concept an added value for their exhibitors because it gives them the opportunity of advanced planned meetings.  
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The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles contain inaccurate representations, and many are not even real persons. Many services contain quantitative profile options that actually engender misrepresentations. There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern.  
  
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A '''dating system''' is any systemic means of improving [[matchmaking]] via rules or technology.  It is a specialized [[meeting system]] where the objective of the meeting, be it live or phone or chat based, is to go on a live date with someone, with usually romantic implications.  Recently, "couple-dating" and "friend-dating" systems have also become popular, especially among those who met on dating systems and enjoy the interactions, but have settled down with mates.
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===Speed dating===
  
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The history of dating systems is as interesting as the history of technologies that support them. Live dating systems or methods are usually not considered as separate from the [[matchmaking]] process, which often employs games or rules or rituals in many cultures, so these are discussed in more depth in that article.
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Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah, as a way to ensure that more [[Judaism|Jewish]] singles meet each other in large cities where Jewish singles are a minority.  
  
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A notable and recent live dating system that does not seem to have arisen in traditional matchmaking is [[speed dating]], which relies to some degree on the transportation and communication facilities of a modern society, and reflects its accelerated pace of life.
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According to the original idea of speed dating, men and women rotate around the room, meeting each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, the couples are forced to move to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event, each participant submits a name list of persons they would like to meet with later. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting in order to reduce the pressure associated with accepting or rejecting a suitor to their face. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties.
  
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These live dating systems do not typically impose a great deal of structure on the actual interaction between the individuals considering going on dates. This article is concerned with actual 'systems' that do more than simple introductions, and where interactions are often strongly structured, down to the details:
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==Matchmakers in the Twenty-first Century==
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Despite the trend to invoke technological innovations in the matchmaking process among young people who had previously rejected the traditional pattern of [[arranged marriage]]s and matchmakers, many have found that personal involvement by one with talent and/or training in matchmaking does have something to offer. As noted above, internet dating services are susceptible to false profiles misrepresenting the candidates. Dissatisfaction with dating and online methods, coupled with the large numbers of failed choices leading to [[divorce]], has brought things almost full circle. Religious matchmakers are finding that their services offer hope to young people tired of too many unsatisfactory choices and too little, or too impersonal, guidance in finding a good marriage partner.
  
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*"Computer dating" systems of the early-to-mid 20th century, especially popular in the 1960s and 1970s, before the rise of sophisticated phone and computer systems, gave customers forms that they filled out with important [[tolerances versus preferences|tolerances and preferences]], which were "matched by computer" to determine "compatibility" of the two customers.
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Some examples of matchmakers active at the beginning of the twenty-first century include a [[Matchmaker#Rabbi Barry Marcus: Jewish Matchmaker|Jewish Rabbi]], the director of a center for [[Matchmaker#Parag Bhargava: Hindu and Muslim Matchmaker|Hindus and Muslims]] seeking marriage partners, and the founder of the [[Matchmaker#Reverend Sun Myung Moon: Matchmaker for the World|Unification Church]].
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*"Video dating" systems of the 1980s and 1990s especially, where customers gave a performance on (typically VHS tape) video, which was viewable by other customers, usually in private, in the same facility.  Some services would record and play back videos for men and women on alternate days to minimize the chance that customers would meet each other on the street.
 
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*"Phone dating" systems of about the same vintage, where customers call a common voice mail or phone-chat server at a common local phone number, and are connected with other (reputed) singles, and typically charged by the minute as if it were a long-distance call (often a very expensive one).  A key problem of such systems was that they were hard to differentiate from a phone porn service or "[[phone sex]]" where female operators are paid to arouse male customers, and have no intention of dating them, ever.
 
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*[[Online dating service]]s of the 1990s and today, which may incorporate a form-, video-, or audio-/phone-based component, integrating them into a single "profile" and providing multiple means to communicate (including the telephone).
 
  
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There are also [[dating game show]]s, e.g. ''[[Blind Date]]'', ''[[Fifth Wheel]]'', ''[[The Bachelor]]'', in which a high degree of support and aids are provided to individuals seeking dates.  These are described more fully in an article on them alone, and in the related article on "[[reality game show]]s" that often include or motivate romantic episodes between players.
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===Rabbi Barry Marcus: Jewish matchmaker===
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Rabbi Barry Marcus, based at the Orthodox Jewish Central Synagogue in Central [[London]], explained, "There's an old rabbinical saying: 'Matchmaking is more difficult than parting the Red Sea.’"  
  
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Singapore's largest dating service, Singapore's Social Development Unit (SDU) is the world's only government-run dating system.
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Rabbi Marcus has guided young people regarding the serious issue of finding a spouse, and even more importantly, the preparation and investment required to make a [[marriage]] successful. He believes that romantic love and sexual attraction are not key to lasting love, and therefore, the role of parents and other matchmakers in finding a suitable spouse is invaluable.
  
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'''Speed dating''' is a formalized [[matchmaking]] process or [[dating system]] (a variant of a [[meeting system]]) whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of [[Aish HaTorah]], as a way to ensure that more [[Jewish]] [[single (relationship)|singles]] met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews. It has been made more popular by its use on [[dating game show]]s such as ''[[Fifth Wheel]]'' and has recently become popular in the [[homosexuality|gay]] community. Supporters argue that speed dating saves time, as most people decide if they are romantically compatible very quickly, and first impressions are often permanent.
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===Parag Bhargava: Hindu and Muslim matchmaker===
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Parag Bhargava, director at the Suman Marriage Bureau, (claiming to be "the largest Asian marriage bureau in the world"), arranges and facilitates marital matches for [[Hinduism|Hindu]]s and [[Islam|Muslim]]s all over the globe.<ref>Jemima Khan, [http://www.newstatesman.com/society/2012/03/arranged-marriage-women-family The marriage business] ''New Statesman'', March 15, 2012. Retrieved September 16, 2014.</ref>
  
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In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, they are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to.  To maximize the number of interactions, organizers often depart from the original idea and set meeting times as low as one minute per person. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties.  Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure (especially on women) to accept or reject a suitor to their face.
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According to Parag Bhargava, the most important predictor of marital harmony is compatible [[family]] backgrounds.
  
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==Organization==
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===Reverend Sun Myung Moon: Matchmaking and restoration===
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Since 1961 [[Sun Myung Moon|Reverend and Mrs. Moon]] have married successively larger numbers of couples, most of whom were matched by Reverend Moon either in person or by picture. Often this "Marriage Blessing" has been given through large group wedding ceremonies: In 1982, 2,075 couples matched by Rev. and Mrs. Moon were wed at Madison Square Garden in [[New York City]]. In 1995, 360,000 couples were wed (or had their vows renewed) at a Blessing with the main venue at [[Seoul]] Olympic Stadium and [[satellite]] feeds to sites around the world. People of all faiths have participated in these events, although it has been mainly members of his church who submitted themselves to be matched. The shared experience is intended to foster not only loving and committed individual families but also a global community promoting the ideals of love and peace. During the ceremony each couple is asked to affirm that:
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* The family is meant to be the dwelling place of God's true love;
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* Faith in God and spiritual practices are enormously valuable resources in any marriage; and
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* The intact, healthy family of parents and children is absolutely necessary to the well being of our nation and our world.
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As with all religiously based matchings, the foundation of shared [[faith]], common [[value]]s, and a commitment to [[God]], marriage to a previously unknown partner becomes possible, workable, and often successful.
 +
 +
Reverend Moon's comments about matchmaking and marriage reveal his philosophy, based on traditional Korean matchmaking methods but elevated by his intuitive spiritual sense:
 +
 +
<blockquote>There is a Korean philosophy about matchmaking, a very consistent philosophy or system of study that has existed for a very long time. There are many matchmakers in Korea who have studied this art and have made many matches in their lifetime. Many times, members (matched by Rev. Moon) have gone to them and have shown them their match and they were very shocked by how good it was. These matchmakers admitted they could not have done any better. There is a way in which you were born and I can understand about that. My matchmaking abilities didn't come late in life, but from very early on, people recognized my abilities. When I was very young I would see a couple and tell right away if it was a good couple or not. Soon, people started to come to me and show me pictures and ask me if it was a good match or not. For years and years I studied and practiced in this area of life.</blockquote>
  
−
To ensure that no participant is left alone during a round, events always have an even number of participants, and at heterosexual events the number of male and female participants is equal.
+
<blockquote>You don't have to say anything to me. When I see you I understand immediately how you feel towards your match. I can accurately foretell the spiritual outcome of a couple. When I match you, I don't match you on the same level that you are. Instead, my mind is looking down upon you from the very highest viewpoint.<ref>[http://www.unification.net/gwo/801001.html Reverend Sun Myung Moon, "Unity Through the Matching and Blessing" in ''The Founding of Ocean Church''. October 1st, 1980.].Retrieved August 27, 2008. </ref> </blockquote>
  
−
==Advantages==
+
Moon does not simply match by the criteria of compatibility. He sometimes puts seemingly mismatched people together, telling them that they will produce excellent children. Sometimes he joins partners of different races, nationalities or class backgrounds, people who would ordinarily never meet or consider marriage. In this he propounds the idea that a committed marriage can be an act of "restoration," to overcome barriers and knit together the unity of humankind.
  
−
Proponents of speed dating cite its advantages as:
+
==Conclusion==
 +
Matchmakers were used throughout history in many different [[culture]]s, for good reason. Finding a good marriage partner by oneself or for one's children is no simple task. In the past, young people had little chance of meeting others beyond their immediate neighborhood and circle of family acquaintances; hence matchmakers served the important function of bringing together people who would not otherwise have met.
  
−
* it allows singles to meet a large number of new people in one easy event;
+
In the last century, with the freedom and opportunity for young people to meet one another, coupled with the culture of "romantic love," the traditional matchmaker seemed obsolete. However, technological advances in the area of [[computer|computing]] again revived the process, helping young people sift through the overabundance of potential candidates they meet, in hopes of finding the perfect mate. Finally, it appears that people have begun to recognize that they need guidance in this process. With the increases in [[family]] breakdown, parents can no longer function as successful role models. Therefore, there has been a revival of interest in matchmakers.
−
* it is especially efficient for busy professionals or those that have limited social circles;
 
−
* it levels the playing field for men and women;
 
−
* men do not have to play their traditional role as the aggressor - both men and women are forced to meet and interact
 
−
* the structured interaction helps shy people to overcome their inhibitions;
 
−
* the time limit ensures that no one is stuck talking to someone longer than they wish;
 
−
* the matching process occurs after the event, ensuring people do not have to face rejection in person
 
  
−
==Criticisms==
+
Since [[marriage]] most deeply involves the spiritual aspects of human nature, it would seem that [[religion|religious]] matchmakers have the most to offer, as they have the gift to be able to see prospective couples from a divine and transcendent perspective.
  
−
Critics of speed dating claim:
+
==Notes==
 +
<references />
  
−
* it reinforces first impressions, which may not be reliable indicators of long-term compatibility.
+
==References==
−
 
+
*Kendall, Laurel. ''Getting Married in Korea''. University of California Press, 1996. ISBN 978-0520202009
−
* it tends to put less [[extrovert]]ed subjects at a disadvantage. 
+
*Salamon, Michael J. ''The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures''. Urim Publications, 2008. ISBN 978-9655240061
−
 
+
*Seth, Reva. ''First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages''. Touchstone, 2008. ISBN 978-1416561729
−
Despite these criticisms, speed dating continues to grow in popularity.
 
−
 
 
−
== Scientific Research ==
 
−
 
 
−
One study of speed dating concluded that eight minutes is more than sufficient to determine if the range of a mate's hormones, a key indicator of immunities, is complementary (different) from one's own.  This is claimed by some researchers to be the key factor in the so-called "first impression", and since it is [[olfactory]] (smell-based), there is no need for two individuals considering child-raising to spend more time on first impressions, it being more important to "sniff out" other mates. This view is often rejected by critics as reducing humans to dog-like status, sniffing each other and then running off to sniff others.
 
−
 
 
−
==Speed dating in [[popular culture]]==
 
−
 
 
−
Speed dating was featured in the following movies and TV shows:
 
−
 
 
−
*''[[Hitch]]'' ([[2005]])
 
−
*''[[The 40-Year-Old Virgin]]'' (2005)
 
−
*''[[The L Word]]'' (2005)
 
−
 
 
−
In a [[2004]] episode of  [[Dead Like Me]], "Hurry," Daisy goes speed dating to take the soul of one of the men participating.
 
−
 
 
−
A [[2006]] episode of the reality show [[Beauty and the Geek]] featured speed dating as one of the challenges faced by the 'geeks'.
 
−
 
 
−
An episode of ''[[Gilmore Girls]]'' featured [[Rory Gilmore|Rory]]'s friend [[Paris Geller|Paris]] attempting speed dating after the death of her professor boyfriend, but finding herself frustrated with the lacking dating pool and elusive conversation.
 
−
 
 
−
In [[2004]] Solent Peoples Theatre (UK) adapted the format to create an activity for political representatives to consult with their constituents. A large number of UK local authorities now regularly hold [[Political Speed Dating]] events.
 
−
 
 
−
A [[2002]] episode of the Australian comedy series ''[[Kath and Kim]]'', where Kim, estranged from her husband of 2 months, goes with her obese ugly friend Sharon to a Speed Dating event. However, all the girls there are overshadowed by Sharon due to her phenomenal knowledge of Cricket.
 
−
 
 
−
[http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye_for_the_Straight_Guy/Episodes/135/recap.shtml This episode] of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy featured a straight man that the Fab 5 made over to become worthy enough to pick up at a HurryDate brand speed dating party.
 
  
 
==External links==
 
==External links==
−
*[http://www.rateordate.com/date/speed-dating Speed Dating Event Finder] calendar of upcoming events in several countries
+
All links retrieved November 7, 2022.
−
*[http://www.psych.upenn.edu/PLEEP/pdfs/2005%20Kurzban%20&%20Weeden%20EHB.pdf HurryDate: Mate preferences in action] - a study done by evolutionary psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania
 
−
*[http://www.upenn.edu/pennnews/article.php?id=747 Falling in Love in Three Minutes or Less] - press release for the UPenn study
 
−
*[http://news.scotsman.com/scitech.cfm?id=567952006 Men, you have 30 seconds to impress women] - <u>The Scotsman</u> Apr 14 2006
 
−
*[http://www.speeddatingsites.com/ SpeedDatingSites.com] List of speed dating companies in various cities
 
−
 
 
−
A '''Net dating service''', also known as '''online dating''' or '''internet dating''', is an example of a [[dating system]] and allows individuals, couples and groups to meet online and possibly develop a romantic or sexual relationship. Net dating services provide un-moderated [[matchmaking]] through the use of personal computers the [[Internet]] or even cell phones.
 
−
 
 
−
Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender and location. Most sites allow members to upload photos of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as [[webcast]]s, [[online chat]], and [[message boards]]. Sites sometimes allow people to register for free but may offer services which require a monthly fee.
 
  
−
Many sites are broad-based, with members from a variety of backgrounds looking for different types of relationships. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, location, or relationship desired.
+
*[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4674252.stm Love on the web] - BBC Money Programme.  
−
 
+
*Ron Gluckman [http://www.gluckman.com/KoreanMarriage.html Make me a match]
−
==Trends==
+
*[http://www.chabad.org/search/keyword.asp?kid=1313 Matchmaking and the Shadchan] chabad.org
−
U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of &#8220;paid content&#8221; on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.
 
−
 
 
−
At the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including <!-- in size order —>Yahoo Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony. eHarmony CEO Greg Forgatch noted that despite the growing number of sites catering to specific niches "to become a major player, it still takes a large number of people."<!--This information is from the Rebecca Flass article.—>
 
−
 
 
−
In [[2002]], a [[Wired magazine|''Wired'' magazine]] article forecast that, "Twenty years from now, the idea that someone looking for love without looking for it online will be silly, akin to skipping the card catalog to instead wander the stacks because 'the right books are found only by accident.' ...serendipity is the hallmark of inefficient markets, and the marketplace of love, like it or not, is becoming more efficient"[http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/10.11/view.html?pg=2].
 
−
 
 
−
The online dating trend has also become very successful in Europe in the past decade. Not only has match.com opened local branches in European countries to cater to their particular culture and language, but also a French company, Meetic, has become one of the top sites. Their success has encouraged new start-ups and niche sites to come on board.
 
−
 
 
−
== Problems with Online Dating Services ==
 
−
 
 
−
The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles are not actually real persons.  It has become a habit of some companies to plant "fake" profiles that are in reality advertisements to other sites or...in some cases a lure to get the person to continue the service after he has cancelled by receiving a message from a supposedly interested person.  There are however, free dating sites that users do not have to pay for to use and reply to messages.
 
−
 
 
−
In addition, many services contain quantitative profile options that engender misrepresentations.  Members of online dating sites are not trusting the descriptions of their fellow members.  There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern.  According to Keynote, 61% of customers are concerned that members are misrepresenting themselves.  Unfortunately, the members of online dating sites have little control with the way they are represented due to the limited options offered through descriptions and characteristics. 
 
−
 
 
−
A variant of online dating is what is called [[Matrimonials Sites]] geared towards meeting people for the purpose of getting married.
 
−
 
 
−
==Pop culture==
 
−
*''[[You've Got Mail]]'' a film in which the two main characters conduct a relationship entirely over e-mail before meeting each other.
 
−
*''[[Must Love Dogs]]'', a 2005 film about two people trying to find love through online dating.
 
−
*''[[Napoleon Dynamite]]'', a film which pokes fun at the concept by having a character obsessed with meeting women online.
 
−
 
 
−
 
 
−
==References==
 
−
*Flass, Rebecca, [http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m5072/is_50_26/ai_n9508039 Bloom off the rose: online dating services struggle to keep market share], Los Angeles Business Journal, Dec. 13, 2004.
 
−
*Griscom, Rufus: [http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/10.11/view.html?pg=2 Why are Online Personals So Hot?: Maybe it’s the lingerie models trolling for dates], Wired, Nov. 2002.
 
−
*Orr, Andrea, ''Meeting, Mating, and Cheating: Sex, Love, and the New World of Online Dating'' ISBN 0131418084.
 
−
*Sanders, Kim, [http://www.prweb.com/releases/2006/2/prweb345740.htm Collaboradate Launches Free Access to All Online Dating Websites ], Prweb.com, Feb. 14, 2006.
 
−
 
 
−
== External links ==
 
−
*[http://www.endthemadness.org/ End The Madness], support for singles who have suffered stigma in the ''shidduch'' process.
 
 
*[http://www.shidduchim.info/ The Shidduch Site], provides extensive ''shiddduch''-related information and resources for ''shidduch''-dating singles
 
*[http://www.shidduchim.info/ The Shidduch Site], provides extensive ''shiddduch''-related information and resources for ''shidduch''-dating singles
−
*[http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?AID=69429 Arranged Marriages?] chabad.org
+
−
 
 
−
 
 
−
* [http://yaleeconomicreview.com/issues/spring2006/economistdating.php Date Like an Economist] Yale Economic Review article on Adverse Selection in the Dating 'Market'
 
−
* {{dmoz|Society/Relationships/Dating/Personals/|Online dating and personals sites}}
 
−
* [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4674252.stm Love on the web] BBC Money Programme. 2 February 2006
 
−
 
 
−
* [http://yaleeconomicreview.com/issues/spring2006/economistdating.php Date Like an Economist] Yale Economic Review article on Adverse Selection in the Dating 'Market'
 
−
* [http://www.archive.org/movies/details-db.php?collection=prelinger&collectionid=19332 Dating Do's and Don'ts] (complete film) at the [[Internet Archive]].
 
−
 
 
−
 
 
 
{{Credit6|Matchmaking|52257532|Dating_system|52132242|Speed_dating|51928718|Online_dating_service|53767024|Shidduch|51942270|Omiai|50993867|}}
 
{{Credit6|Matchmaking|52257532|Dating_system|52132242|Speed_dating|51928718|Online_dating_service|53767024|Shidduch|51942270|Omiai|50993867|}}

Latest revision as of 16:48, 7 November 2022

Matchmaking is the process of introducing a couple as potential partners in marriage. People in diverse cultures, past and present, have sought assistance from matchmakers because they may have a deeper understanding of human character, a wider connection to acquaintances, and greater knowledge and experience to help someone choose a marriage partner. The increase in popularity of "love matches" based on romantic and physical attraction, together with a loosening of the restrictions on behavior and decline in arranged marriages, led to a decline in the use of matchmakers with young people turning to various social situations to find prospective partners. Technological advances, however, have seen the re-emergence of the matchmaking process, as computers and the internet became popular tools in the search for an ideal mate. Ultimately, though, the involvement of more than technology is necessary to guide people to find a partner with whom they can build a harmonious relationship leading to a loving family, based on not only the physical but also the spiritual aspects of their lives.

Historical Overview

Historically, in many cultures parents would request the assistance of a matchmaker in finding a suitable spouse for their child. The job of the matchmaker was extremely important because dating and free choice of a marriage partner was not allowed, and the only way for young people marry was by arranged marriage. For many centuries, the matchmaker's job was to check the ethnic identity and compatibility of the proposed couple. They could also act as "middlemen" by introducing potential candidates, especially if the acquaintances of the parents and family were limited.

Matchmakers were generally paid an agreed upon fee or a percentage of the dowry.

Jewish shadkhan

The Hebrew word shadkhan (plural shadkhanim) comes from the root word, shidikh (“match”). The Aramaic translation is sheket (“silence”) implying tranquility or peacefulness. In Judaism it is customary for the father to choose a bride for his son but sometimes the father requested the assistance of a shadkhan to find a bride of the highest integrity and virtue.

Abraham’s servant, Eliezer, acted as an early shadkhan when Abraham sent him to his family's homeland in Aram-Naharayim to find a wife for his son, Isaac (Genesis 24:1-27). When Eliezer and his traveling companions arrived, Eliezer stopped his camels near the well where the daughters of the townspeople came to draw water. He prayed to God, "Let it be that the girl to whom I will say, 'Please tip over your jug so I can drink,' will say, 'Drink, and I will also water your camels,' that is the one You have designated for Your servant, for Isaac…." (Genesis 24:14). Rebekah arrived at the well and drew water for not only for Eliezer, but also for all his camels. The way Rebekah performed these tasks with liveliness and eagerness, proved to Eliezer that he had found a bride worthy of Isaac.

During the Middle Ages, when courtships were frowned upon and many Jewish families lived in isolated communities, shadkhanim were depended on to collect and evaluate information on the qualities and backgrounds of the potential spouses. The shadkhan was usually paid a percentage of the dowry.

In larger Jewish communities of Eastern Europe, the reputation of the shadkhanim was tainted by the matchmakers who cared more about the financial benefit than the sincerity of an honest representation.

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov ben Moshe Levi Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).

Japanese Nakōdo

Omiai (Japanese: お見合い) or miai (the o is honorific) is a traditional Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage. Parents may enlist the aid of professional matchmakers, nakōdo (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured, and/or well-educated. The word omiai is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple, with the matchmaker and the couple's parents present.

The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way. Omiai's are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire.

Since the mid-twentieth century, traditional omiai marriages became less popular, particularly among the more educated, city-dwelling young people, for whom dating practices, personal preference, and "love matches" based on romantic love became more popular. Even though omiai marriages have continued in rural areas of Japan, professional nakōdo are uncommon, with the parents, other relatives, or village elders, performing the function of the matchmaker.

Korean matchmakers

In traditional Korean society, when a man or woman matured to a marriageable age, the family searched for a prospective spouse by going to a matchmaker, called jung-me. Families visited a matchmaker with the resumes of the young person and ask them to find a compatible person. Status and earning potential were evaluated as well as the families’ lineage, of which Koreans keep precise records and consider highly significant. After discussions with the family about potential candidates, the matchmaker would propose a spouse. For successful matches, the matchmaker received a negotiated fee.

Then, a fortune-teller was contacted to make sure the couple would be a harmonious and successful match. The fortune-teller first examined the saju, the "Four Pillars," which are the year, month, day, and hour of the birth, of the prospective groom and bride which supposedly influence one's fortune. The next process, called kunghap (mutual compatibility), is considered of such importance that even when the four pillars predict good fortune, if the kunghap predicts difficulty the match may not proceed. Since the proposed couple's fortune, depending on spiritual aspects, is of paramount importance, oftentimes-female mudang (shaman) would take over the whole matchmaking process.

Matchmakers continue to be widely used in South Korea, particularly in more rural areas.

Western matchmakers

Clergy played a key role as matchmakers in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society. Matchmaking was one of the peripheral functions of the village priest in Medieval Catholic society, as well as a Talmudic duty of rabbis in traditional Jewish communities.

Social dances in North America, especially line dances and square dances, have been utilized for matchmaking, albeit informally. When farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in church or in such mandated social events. Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed "busybodies" serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances.

Matchmaking was one of the oldest traditions of Ireland, especially related to the fact that the country had two classes: the rich landowners and the poor peasants. The rich had their sons and daughters matched with other people who were well-to-do. The Spa Town of Lisdoonvarna, in the Burren Mountains of County Clare was picked because people went there in the thousands to drink the healthy Spa waters and bathe in the three different mineral waters. The month of September was chosen since it was when the hay and crops were saved and the livestock did not need extra feeding until later in the autumn. Matchmakers of old were the dealers who attended street fairs, as it was they who knew which farmers who had eligible sons and daughters around the country. They collected generous dowries when matches were made successfully. The Matchmaking Festival still takes place every year during September and October in Lisdoonvarna.[1]

Matchmaking and Technology

As societies "modernized" in the twentieth century, matchmakers and arranged marriages came to be regarded as "old-fashioned." Young people took the idea of romantic love as more important than the values of their parents and matchmakers, and began to look for their partners in a variety of places. With technological advances such as the internet allowing people to communicate worldwide, the search for marriage partners has extended to this medium.

Since the emergence of the mythology of romantic love in the Christian world in medieval times, the pursuit of happiness via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a human right. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern net dating service is just one of many examples of a dating system where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.

U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of “paid content” on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.

By the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony.

Dating systems

A "dating system" is any systemic means of improving matchmaking via rules or technology. It is a specialized meeting system either live in person, on the phone, or in "chat rooms" online. The acceptance of dating systems has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker.

Net dating services, also known as online dating or internet dating, provide unmediated matchmaking through the use of personal computers, the internet, or even cell phones. Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, and then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender, and location. Most sites allow members to upload photographs of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, and message boards.

In Singapore, the Singapore Social Development Unit (SDU), run by the city-state's government, offers a combination of professional counsel and dating system technology, like many commercial dating services. Thus, the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a bureaucrat, and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for royalty or upper classes.

The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles contain inaccurate representations, and many are not even real persons. Many services contain quantitative profile options that actually engender misrepresentations. There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern.

Speed dating

Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah, as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles meet each other in large cities where Jewish singles are a minority.

According to the original idea of speed dating, men and women rotate around the room, meeting each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, the couples are forced to move to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event, each participant submits a name list of persons they would like to meet with later. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting in order to reduce the pressure associated with accepting or rejecting a suitor to their face. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties.

Matchmakers in the Twenty-first Century

Despite the trend to invoke technological innovations in the matchmaking process among young people who had previously rejected the traditional pattern of arranged marriages and matchmakers, many have found that personal involvement by one with talent and/or training in matchmaking does have something to offer. As noted above, internet dating services are susceptible to false profiles misrepresenting the candidates. Dissatisfaction with dating and online methods, coupled with the large numbers of failed choices leading to divorce, has brought things almost full circle. Religious matchmakers are finding that their services offer hope to young people tired of too many unsatisfactory choices and too little, or too impersonal, guidance in finding a good marriage partner.

Some examples of matchmakers active at the beginning of the twenty-first century include a Jewish Rabbi, the director of a center for Hindus and Muslims seeking marriage partners, and the founder of the Unification Church.

Rabbi Barry Marcus: Jewish matchmaker

Rabbi Barry Marcus, based at the Orthodox Jewish Central Synagogue in Central London, explained, "There's an old rabbinical saying: 'Matchmaking is more difficult than parting the Red Sea.’"

Rabbi Marcus has guided young people regarding the serious issue of finding a spouse, and even more importantly, the preparation and investment required to make a marriage successful. He believes that romantic love and sexual attraction are not key to lasting love, and therefore, the role of parents and other matchmakers in finding a suitable spouse is invaluable.

Parag Bhargava: Hindu and Muslim matchmaker

Parag Bhargava, director at the Suman Marriage Bureau, (claiming to be "the largest Asian marriage bureau in the world"), arranges and facilitates marital matches for Hindus and Muslims all over the globe.[2]

According to Parag Bhargava, the most important predictor of marital harmony is compatible family backgrounds.

Reverend Sun Myung Moon: Matchmaking and restoration

Since 1961 Reverend and Mrs. Moon have married successively larger numbers of couples, most of whom were matched by Reverend Moon either in person or by picture. Often this "Marriage Blessing" has been given through large group wedding ceremonies: In 1982, 2,075 couples matched by Rev. and Mrs. Moon were wed at Madison Square Garden in New York City. In 1995, 360,000 couples were wed (or had their vows renewed) at a Blessing with the main venue at Seoul Olympic Stadium and satellite feeds to sites around the world. People of all faiths have participated in these events, although it has been mainly members of his church who submitted themselves to be matched. The shared experience is intended to foster not only loving and committed individual families but also a global community promoting the ideals of love and peace. During the ceremony each couple is asked to affirm that:

  • The family is meant to be the dwelling place of God's true love;
  • Faith in God and spiritual practices are enormously valuable resources in any marriage; and
  • The intact, healthy family of parents and children is absolutely necessary to the well being of our nation and our world.

As with all religiously based matchings, the foundation of shared faith, common values, and a commitment to God, marriage to a previously unknown partner becomes possible, workable, and often successful.

Reverend Moon's comments about matchmaking and marriage reveal his philosophy, based on traditional Korean matchmaking methods but elevated by his intuitive spiritual sense:

There is a Korean philosophy about matchmaking, a very consistent philosophy or system of study that has existed for a very long time. There are many matchmakers in Korea who have studied this art and have made many matches in their lifetime. Many times, members (matched by Rev. Moon) have gone to them and have shown them their match and they were very shocked by how good it was. These matchmakers admitted they could not have done any better. There is a way in which you were born and I can understand about that. My matchmaking abilities didn't come late in life, but from very early on, people recognized my abilities. When I was very young I would see a couple and tell right away if it was a good couple or not. Soon, people started to come to me and show me pictures and ask me if it was a good match or not. For years and years I studied and practiced in this area of life.

You don't have to say anything to me. When I see you I understand immediately how you feel towards your match. I can accurately foretell the spiritual outcome of a couple. When I match you, I don't match you on the same level that you are. Instead, my mind is looking down upon you from the very highest viewpoint.[3]

Moon does not simply match by the criteria of compatibility. He sometimes puts seemingly mismatched people together, telling them that they will produce excellent children. Sometimes he joins partners of different races, nationalities or class backgrounds, people who would ordinarily never meet or consider marriage. In this he propounds the idea that a committed marriage can be an act of "restoration," to overcome barriers and knit together the unity of humankind.

Conclusion

Matchmakers were used throughout history in many different cultures, for good reason. Finding a good marriage partner by oneself or for one's children is no simple task. In the past, young people had little chance of meeting others beyond their immediate neighborhood and circle of family acquaintances; hence matchmakers served the important function of bringing together people who would not otherwise have met.

In the last century, with the freedom and opportunity for young people to meet one another, coupled with the culture of "romantic love," the traditional matchmaker seemed obsolete. However, technological advances in the area of computing again revived the process, helping young people sift through the overabundance of potential candidates they meet, in hopes of finding the perfect mate. Finally, it appears that people have begun to recognize that they need guidance in this process. With the increases in family breakdown, parents can no longer function as successful role models. Therefore, there has been a revival of interest in matchmakers.

Since marriage most deeply involves the spiritual aspects of human nature, it would seem that religious matchmakers have the most to offer, as they have the gift to be able to see prospective couples from a divine and transcendent perspective.

Notes

  1. ↑ Lisdoonvarna’s Matchmaking Festival. Matchmaker Ireland.com. Retrieved August 27, 2008.
  2. ↑ Jemima Khan, The marriage business New Statesman, March 15, 2012. Retrieved September 16, 2014.
  3. ↑ Reverend Sun Myung Moon, "Unity Through the Matching and Blessing" in The Founding of Ocean Church. October 1st, 1980..Retrieved August 27, 2008.

References
ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

  • Kendall, Laurel. Getting Married in Korea. University of California Press, 1996. ISBN 978-0520202009
  • Salamon, Michael J. The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures. Urim Publications, 2008. ISBN 978-9655240061
  • Seth, Reva. First Comes Marriage: Modern Relationship Advice from the Wisdom of Arranged Marriages. Touchstone, 2008. ISBN 978-1416561729

External links

All links retrieved November 7, 2022.

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