Human sexuality

Human sexuality refers to the expression of sexual sensation and related intimacy between human beings. Psychologically, sexuality is the means to express the fullness of love between a man and a woman. Biologically, it is the means through which a child is conceived and the lineage is passed on to the next generation.

Sexuality involves the body, mind and spirit; therefore, this article regards sexuality holistically and does not separate out the physiological mechanics of the reproductive system. Sex is intrinsically a moral act. The world's major religions concur in viewing sexual intimacy as proper only within marriage; otherwise it can be destructive to human flourishing. The Fall of Man in Genesis, the story of Helen of Troy in the Iliad, and accounts of the decline of the Roman Empire brought on by decadent sexual mores are examples of how traditional wisdom has viewed the wrong use of sex as a cause of human downfall.

There are a great many forms of human sexuality, comprising a broad range of behaviors, and sexual expression varies across cultures and historical periods. Yet the basic principles of human sexuality are universal and integral to what it means to be human. Sex is related to the very purpose of human existence: love, procreation and family. Sexuality has social ramifications; therefore most societies set limits on what is permissible sexual behavior. Full coverage of this topic thus encompasses the physiological, psychological, moral, social, cultural, religious and legal aspects of human sexual behavior.

Sexual Ethics

People may experiment with a range of sexual activities during their lives, though they tend to engage in only a few of these regularly. However, most societies have defined some sexual activities as inappropriate (wrong person, wrong activity, wrong place, wrong time, etc.) The most widespread sexual norm historically, and the norm promoted nearly universally by the world's religions, is that sex as appropriate only within marriage. Accompanying this norm is the widespread belief that sex acts are devalued when engaged in outside of the marriage bed. However, extra-marital sexual activity and casual sex have become increasingly accepted in modern society as a result of the sexual revolution.

What is the rationale for traditional moral strictures on sexuality? In general, a sexual activity can express committed love or be a meaningless casual event for recreational purposes. Yet sexual encounters are not merely a physical activity like enjoying good food. Sex involves the partners in their totality, touching their minds and hearts as well as their bodies. Therefore, sexual relations has lasting impact on the psyche. Sexuality is a powerful force that can do tremendous good or terrible harm; therefore it carries with it moral responsibility.

Sex and religion

Traditional religions often restricted and denigrated sex. Medieval Catholicism taught that sex was dirty and impure, lifting up the Virgin Mary as the ideal of womanhood and encouraging true believers to live celibate lives as priests and nuns. Following Augustine, who created a strict divide between the spiritual and the carnal, traditional Roman Catholic doctrine understood the purpose of sex as procreation, nothing more. (The church's continuing ban on birth control, on the rationale that it separates sex from its natural procreative function, is a remnant of this view.) In Buddhism, only monks could live a holy life and attain the highest Enlightenment; this required above all abstaining from sex and denying all desires of the senses.

Judaism and Islam, on the other hand, reject celibacy and regard marriage as the natural state. These religions traditionally encouraged believers to have a healthy sex life within marriage. Thus the Qur'an teaches:

Among His signs is that He created spouses for you among yourselves that you may console yourselves with them. He has planted affection and mercy between you. (S 30.21)

The Protestant Reformation led Christians to re-appropriate the goodness of married sex. Today's Protestants have been joined by post-Vatican II progressive Catholics in promoting the belief that sex is a gift of God, to express love between husband and wife and increase the health and satisfaction of marriage:

"Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" Genesis 2.24

"Let your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth... May her breasts satisfy you always" Proverbs 5:18-19

According to the Jewish mystical teachings of the Kabbala, the time of sexual intercourse is a moment of great holiness, when the Shekhinah (the Holy Spirit) descends to the couple and showers them with blessings. In line with the holiness of the conjugal union, Hasidic couples customarily reserve the evening of the Sabbath as the time for sexual intercourse.

Sex outside of marriage is a different matter entirely. All the major religions condemn extramarital sex as sinful. Even sexual attraction to anyone who is not one’s spouse is condemnable:

You shall not commit adultery. Deuteronomy 5:18

Neither fornicate, for whosoever does that shall meet the price of sin—doubled shall be the chastisement for him on the Resurrection Day. Qur’an, S 25.68-69

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:28

Religions embody the centuries-old traditional wisdom that adultery has been the downfall of good men and women throughout history. Sexual misconduct is somehow connected to the Original Sin, when Adam and Eve yielded to temptation in the Garden of Eden and afterwards covered their lower parts. (Genesis 3:7). To overcome this problem, religions call for self-control, and especially the mastery of sexual desire, as the foundation for personal maturity, ethical relations with others, and a right relationship with God.

The Sexual Revolution

The sexual revolution which burst on the American scene in the 1960s has promoted an alternative sexual ethic, asserting that recreational sex is a healthy activity. It condemned Victorian mores that limited sex to the marriage bed as restrictive of personal freedom, and asserted that sex between consenting partners is a positive value for promoting intimacy and affection.

Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine became the chief popularizer of this new ethic, and its "Playboy philosophy" has shaped the sexual attitudes of several generations. Playboy trumpeted the life of bachelor pleasures where women are sex objects to be enjoyed, as opposed to responsible and unselfish partnerships with women, thus rationalizing the worldview of adolescent boys.

Several currents came together in the 1960s to turn America's sexual mores upside-down. First was the technology of birth control. The birth-control pill was perfected, for the first time giving women the freedom to engage in sexual relations without fear of pregnancy. Women traditionally acted to restrain men's sexual proclivities, since they had born the consequences of sex in pregnancy and motherhood. Now that constraint was lifted.

Feminism also changed female attitudes towards sex. Feminists beginning with Simone de Beauvoir decried women's subservience to men. They exposed the Victorian double standard that permitted men to indulge their appetites with multiple lovers but expected women to be monogamous. They attacked the long-standing misogynist tradition that regarded women as property—hence any bride who was not a virgin was stigmatized as "damaged goods"—and which denied that women should even expect to achieve sexual satisfaction. To counter this injustice, feminists declared that women should be able to have sex on equal terms with men, to claim their right to sexual pleasure, and even beat men in their own game of sexual domination. From this point of view, a woman's efforts in the sexual sphere could be an expression of a liberated consciousness.

At the same time, the Kinsey Report (1948) promoted the idea that sexual infidelity and homosexuality were far more common than people had suspected. Kinsey also reportedly asserted that human beings need frequent sexual outlets—whether heterosexual, homosexual or masturbatory the context was irrelevant—or they will suffer from psychological problems. As a result, people began to question their moral reservations about sex outside of marriage, believing they were missing out on pleasures others were enjoying and even that they might be damaging their psychological well-being. The Kinsey Report continues to generate fierce debate over the reliability of its findings, and some have accused it of biased methods and unrepresentative samples. Nevertheless, it has had profound impact on attitudes towards sex.

The sexual revolution burst on to the campus scene in the 1960s, where it became part and parcel of youth rebellion against authority, political protest against the Vietnam War, the drug culture, rock 'n roll music, the feminist movement, and critique of conventional religion that denied the body. Herbert Marcuse, the guiding light of the New Left, taught in his book Eros and Civilization that by liberating ourselves to enjoy our sexuality freely, we could help tear down the structures of capitalist oppression and build a new society of transformed people who would no longer wish to make their partner an object of domination (i.e., in marriage).

Such was the heady idealism of the original Sexual Revolution. Although the idealism and passions have long since cooled, the change it brought to America's sexual mores has remained a permanent legacy—for better or for worse.

Sexual function within marriage

In the context of marriage, lovemaking is entirely healthy and ethical, expressing and reinforcing the profound moral commitment between spouses who are sharing their lives together. Sex is a deep encounter of heart and body. It is both instinctual and transcendent, mundane yet miraculous. Sex symbolizes the couple's desire for oneness, as neither the heart nor the genitals can find fulfillment without the beloved. Therefore, sex finds its deepest satisfaction within the discipline of marriage.

Sex within marriage fulfills several important roles:

• Sex strengthens the bond between husband and wife in all aspects of their lives
• Sex expresses love affection and fosters emotional intimacy
• Sex reinforces the exclusivity of the relationship.
• Sex symbolizes mutual submission and dedication to the higher purpose of the marriage
• Sex helps heal conflicts and mend rifts
• Sex reduces anxiety and releases tension
• Sex leads to children who are wanted and treasured by both parents

Marriage promotes sexual fidelity, and thus reinforces the security and binding power of the couple's sexuality. Studies have found that approximately 85-90 percent of married women and around 75-80 percent of married men in the United States are sexually monogamous throughout their marriages.

The sexual act is fraught with responsibility to the children it may create. Restricting sexuality to marriage creates the most secure foundation for the care of children. Since human beings spend a lifetime rearing their children, the nature of the parental bond impacts the next generation to a greater extent than it does in the majority of animal species. The monogamous bond of husband and wife provides a unique relationship that supports the resulting family. Two parents united in the common goal of parenting their children can ensure that their lineage is secure, healthy, and prosperous. When parents are not monogamous, the family structure is less clear, and the children experience a variety of adults with varying degrees of commitment to their future. Research is unequivocal that children raised by cohabiting or single adults do not fare as well as those raised by parents who maintain sexual fidelity.

Good lovemaking depends mainly upon the spouses' attitude and on the quality of their relationship. People cannot easily control the physical aspect of sex, but they can and should work on improving the relational context within which lovemaking takes place. A good context for lovemaking requires trust, security, care, acceptance, honest communication, friendship, playful curiosity and openness to learn.

Frequency of Lovemaking in Married Couples

Daily	15%
Several times a week	45%
Once a week	25%
Once a month	8%
Rarely	7%

Gender differences

Men and women have different patterns of sexual arousal. The man is aroused quickly at the sight of his spouse's nakedness and the touch of her body; it is almost automatic. He immediately feels an urge in the genitals, and his cognitive focus is on genital sensations. His actions naturally are aimed at intercourse and the fulfillment of his genital need.

The woman's arousal is slower and less predictable. She may be aroused by his voice, his touch, and especially by caring and romantic speech. Her urge is more diffuse, and response to all-over touch and sensual play. Her focus is mainly on the relationship rather than the act of intercourse.

Men favor quantity over quality; they tend to like frequent sex and think of it often. Women favor quality over quantity; they typically can gain long-lasting satisfaction from quality sex at less frequent intervals.

Men and women also differ as regards the physical act of sexual intercourse. The man typically has one climax, while his wife may have multiple orgasms. The husband climaxes quickly on his own, while his wife requires time, and often her husband's help, before she reaches climax. The husband is more likely to enjoy experimenting and playfulness, while the wife is more likely to prefer the familiar and safe ways of doing things. The man may prefer to make love in the morning, while the woman is most likely to prefer the evening.

Men can separate the body from the person, sex from love; they want sex even when the emotional context is strained. Women on the other hand do not see sex as separate from love; therefore they need to feel affirmed in their relationship before they warm to sex. Hence, in marriage, men like to use sex to overcome conflicts, while women like to talk to overcome conflicts before having sex.

Women's Sexual Satisfaction

Orgasm
Never	10%		Enjoy just being together	55%
Seldom	25%		Prefer physical and emotional closeness to orgasm	85%
Often	40%
Always	25%

Men tend to value physical closeness over emotional intimacy. Hence they may take a bedroom rejection very hard, be anxious about their performance, and are not easily distracted during the act of lovemaking. Women, on the other hand, tend to value emotional intimacy more than the physical side. Hence they are less concerned about rejection but are more anxious about their body and how they appear to their husbands. They are also more easily distracted by stress and fatigue.

These gender differences mean that sex has different meanings for men and women. Men see lovemaking as the first step on the path to a soul connection and emotional closeness. Women want emotional closeness first, before they make love. The difference can lead to many misunderstandings.

Husbands need to learn what their wives need to encourage arousal. They include: trust and respect, intimacy and the ability to be vulnerable, good conversation, affection, sensual touching, help with housework, giving her adequate rest, providing her with safety and security, and patient encouragement for her to heal from past abuse. He should develop a good knowledge of feelings, be an expert on his wife's body, and then at the right time, lead her with passion, attention and romance.

Wives can also learn the secrets to giving their husbands a more satisfying sex life. They include: scheduling time for frequent sex, priming herself to get into the mood, giving him novelty and adventure. She can get comfortable with her own body and recognize its allure, and take delight in his body, going along with his sensual play.

Every couple creates their own unique lovemaking style that is a balance between these male and female aspects. The male may take charge or the pair may cooperate; they may act spontaneously or schedule "dates" with each other; the lovemaking may be slow or quick, may or may not include long foreplay, and may be done in silence or with talking. No one style is right for everyone. How a couple makes love is special and unique; it is their secret treasure.

Coitus, tacuinum sanitatis casanatensis (XIV century)

Seasons of the sex life

The nature of a couple's sex life changes over time; it goes through "seasons" like the seasons of the year—spring, summer, fall and winter.

• The honeymoon period: During the first few years of marriage, sex is full of excitement. The couple are infatuated with one another and feel so closely bonded that they are not aware of the differences between them.

When two people fall in love and engage in a sexual relationship, they begin to include their partners in their concepts of themselves. People feel like they acquire new capabilities because they have the support of close partners. "I might not be able to handle parenthood by myself, but with the help of my partner's good parenting skills, I'll be a good parent." This overlap of the concepts of self and partner has been called "self-expansion."

• After the honeymoon is over: People generally experience a high level of self-expansion at the beginning of relationships when they constantly learn new things about themselves and their partners. However, as the relationship matures, the rate of self-expansion slows, and people experience a relative decline in satisfaction. After two to three years of marriage all kinds of differences begin to surface, including different sexual preferences. The spouses are less willing to overlook these differences and must negotiate a shared sex style. Sexual satisfaction is also eroded by the arguments and conflict that inevitably crop up in marriage. Couples who deal poorly with arguments and conflict build up a history of negative emotional interactions that can negatively affect their sex life. (This is when unmarried cohabiting couples often split up.) On the other hand, those who succeed in dealing with conflict, through mutual support and good communication, develop deep trust and closeness in their relationship. Such relationships result in greater satisfaction and long-lasting happiness that is qualitatively different from the excitement of the early stages of a relationship.

• After the first child is born: The birth of a child brings a marked reduction in the mother's sexual desire. She is typically exhausted from caring for the child and feels her husband's demand for sex to be selfish. The father in turn feels neglected and left out of the intense bonding that is occurring between mother and child. During this phase, which may last as long as there are young children to care for, the couple may need to schedule time for sex.

• Middle and senior years: As the man gets older and can no longer come to arousal autonomously, he may need his wife's help. Meanwhile, the wife may enjoy sex more since the children are gone and menopause has increased her testosterone. These years are marked by increased companionship, and cooperation extends to the sexual act.

Challenges to sexual satisfaction

Among happy couples, good sex is seen as only one element (5th in importance) of a good marriage. An unsatisfying sex life, however, is most often the number one complaint in an unhappy marriage. For this reason, it is incumbent upon couples to work on their sex lives to make sex an asset to marital harmony and not a source of marital discord.

Common challenges to sexual satisfaction in marriage include:

• Simmering tensions: These can damage the couple's sense of connection. They may use the bedroom as a battlefield, either to act out their aggression or to withhold favors.

• Unrealistic expectations: The man may think that he is supposed to always be ready and able to perform well, while the woman may have higher expectations for pleasure than her man can deliver. When they fall short, the couple becomes frustrated, thinking that "everyone else" is having better sex, when in fact these unrealistic expectations come largely from media hype in our hypersexed era.

• Boredom. This comes from couples who stick to a fixed routine, with a narrow repertoire of sex and touching, who lack imagination and are not playful about trying new things to stimulate their partner.

• Pornography: This can cause all sorts of distortions in the viewer's expectations of his or her partner that can damage their sex life. The viewer of pornography may be eager to try all sorts of kinky practices that his partner may not want. Porn stars are always aroused, leading the viewer to have a self-centered view of sex that does not include the effort required to please his partner—who has her own needs. Masturbating in front of pornography can drain the libido so the viewer is no longer interested in sex with his spouse.

• Fears about performance: Men can be anxious about achieving or maintaining arousal or fear that they may come to climax prematurely. Women may be worried that they are not achieving orgasm. This is exacerbated when there is poor communication between the partners; for instance, when the man thinks he is supposed to know what to do and cannot receive suggestions well because he takes it as a sign of inadequacy. In good sex, both partners are receptive to learning from the other and asking each other's help.

• Inhibitions: These can include shame about the body or guilt about having pleasure, as when one partner dislikes messiness or thinks that she is not supposed to enjoy sex too much. This can sometimes be caused by deep-seated religious beliefs.

• Setting preconditions for sex: One spouse may set unrealistic demands, using sex as a stick to force changes in the other's behavior. It would be better for both spouses to be tolerant of each other and willing to have sex even when there are unresolved issues.

• Different levels of desire: It is quite common for the partners to have different natural levels of sex drive, yet it is the number one complaint among couples seeking counseling. Desire naturally ebbs and flows, but at different times for the husband and wife. Reduced desire can be caused by the pressures of parenting and job, by bad health and hormonal changes. The positions can switch, as when a senior man loses interest just as his wife, who is over her menopause, is warming up. 30 percent of women and 15 percent of men have low libido.

To deal with this problem, the partners need to avoid accusing the other of being a "cold fish" or a "sex maniac"; and instead find ways to empathize with each other and support each other. The spouse with lower desire can make effort to accommodate the other's greater level of passion while looking for ways to raise her own libido. She may find that starting the motions of sex even though she has no desire for it can spark a flame. Many happily married wives say they are not in the mood when they start but they enjoy it later.

The spouse with higher desire should not take his spouse's disinterest personally. He can learn to be an expert at stimulating his spouse to become aroused, and when that does not work, to redirect his sexual energy to non-genital sensual pastimes. He should learn to be direct in asking for sex, and at the same time he should be able to turn off the pressure if his partner refuses.

In sum, good sex is possible when each partner has self-mastery and understands their own arousal; when each takes responsibility to keep a positive and loving attitude towards the other; when each helps the other through good communication, a giving attitude, and being at expert in what the spouse likes; and when the couple develops many diverse ways to express affection.

Stages on the way to sexual arousal

Arousal prior to sexual intercourse

Males and females exhibit different patterns of sexual arousal. In a dating situation, typically the man feels a physical attraction towards the the woman and wants to touch and kiss. The women tends to want to connect emotionally rather than physically; she may feel a sentimental longing for her partner and other intense feelings.

At a certain point of greater intimacy, the positions will be exchanged. The woman will now feel the desire for physical touch on top of her emotional feelings while the male will experience the more emotional longing along with the physical. Both will progress to a more overtly sexual desire if they allow their relationship to progress.

Walking and talking together leads to holding hands. A simple kiss progresses to prolonged kissing and petting. Long spells of embracing and kissing will likely bring on strong arousal in the male. Once arousal reaches this point, it is extremely difficult to stop. Touching the private areas of the body will cause strong arousal in the female. Involvement of the sexual organs directly will prompt intense impulses to actually engage in sexual intercourse.

Sexual desire presents a profound challenge of the mind to overcome the body. Males are chiefly tempted by sexual desire to disregard a young woman’s heart and to focus on her body as an object of pleasure. Females may be tempted to use sex as a way to hold onto a male as an object of security. It is said that men tend to regard love as the way to get sex and women tend to use sex as the way to get love.

In any case, increasing the time spent together between two members of the opposite sex will almost always invite the emergence of sexual attraction and sexual feelings. Couples may pass through the stages of sexual arousal quickly or over a long period of time, according to the partners’ decisions. This is why prudent couples do not give themselves the opportunity to be alone together before they are ready for sex. They recognize the signs of stimulation and take a step backwards.

Changes after consummation

The consummation of sexual intercourse irrevocably changes the nature of the relationship. If the couple is married, sexual intercourse is a confirmation and celebration of their mutual love and commitment.

Complete conjugal love includes four elements: compatibility, intimacy, commitment and passion. Compatibility—shared interests, values and goals—is the objective foundation for a relationship. Commitment is volitional, the decision to care, to be faithful, to persevere through hard times. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness and connectedness. Sexual passion at its best supports and celebrates the other three elements, leading to a high degree of satisfaction. When one or more of these elements are lacking, sexual passion may accentuate the sense of incompleteness in the relationship.

For instance, romantic love includes intimacy and passion but no commitment. This is a common experience during youth. Like “Romeo and Juliet,” there is physical arousal and a feeling of closeness but no real promise has been made. Infatuation has passion only, an entrancing sexual attraction with neither intimacy nor commitment. This is “love at first sight” and is characterized by preoccupation with the other person, extreme ups and downs of feelings and an intense longing to be with the object of desire. In both cases, compatibility may be thin or nonexistent.

Commitment is generally signified by marriage or plans to marry. Where there is no commitment, intercourse will usually have negative consequences for the relationship, especially if it occurs early on. Sexual involvement can create a false sense of intimacy that can easily replace real communication and other activities that foster authentic intimacy. It focuses both partners on the physical, which lends itself to mutual or one-sided exploitation. The often subtle escalation of selfishness that physical intimacy brings increases jealousy and possessiveness. Often one partner can sense something is wrong and want to stop the sexual intimacy or even the relationship, but this is difficult. Sexual relations imply an obligation, and the relationship may begin to feel like a trap. Guilt, fear of pregnancy or disease, shame before one’s conscience or parents—these can generate an undercurrent of tension that gnaws at the relationship.

Mastery of sexual desire

Mastery of one’s sexual desire is a potent sign of respect for oneself and the other and an indication of the self-discipline and maturity needed for a successful marriage and family.

Sexual attraction is fueled by a person's hormones and the scent of pheromones emitted by the partner. Once the progression of arousal reaches a certain point it is next to impossible to stop. This is why it is wise for couples who seek to cultivate an authentic relationship to set boundaries limiting physical intimacy to prevent sexual arousal. If these are clear from the outset, both companions can feel freer to enjoy each other’s company. Boundaries keep the relationship honest and help avoid embarrassing situations where one must stop the other’s advances, or possibly one’s own.

Sex outside of marriage

Outside of marriage, people have sex for many reasons:

• For recreation, with no commitment intended
• Expressing passionate feelings of liking someone, feelings that are of the moment with no commitment intended
• Expressing love and intimacy and commitment to a relationship, but keeping open the possibility of ending it in the future.
• In exchange for material benefits
• To produce a child, in an arrangement where one or both parents is not obligated to be its parent

Contemporary society has legitimated sex outside of marriage, which traditional societies still hold to be illicit. The Sexual Revolution legitimated promiscuity, which is rampant in today's youth culture of "hook-ups," whereby people get together for sex with no expectation of a romantic relationship. More common is the practice of serial monogamy: a series of exclusive relationships characterized by intimacy and romance that last for some time. Nevertheless, the term "serial monogamy" is more often more descriptive than prescriptive, in that those involved did not plan to have subsequent relationships while involved in each monogamous partnership.

As long as there is some degree of love and affection, sex is a morally appropriate activity, according to some ethicists. They would classify as immoral only sex that is "loveless" or "meaningless."

This severing of the link between sex and marriage has come at the expense of traditional norms of marriage and family. These days in the United States, few brides are virgins and cohabitation has become a substitute for marriage. More than half of couples who marry cohabited before marriage. Most teenagers lose their virginity by age 16 or 17, yet the old-time practice of early marriage for these sexually active teens has been largely abandoned. Many women in their 20s consider unwed motherhood a viable option and one-third of all families with children under 18 have a single parent.

Consequences of uncommitted sex

Mutual consent and emotional connection legitimates sexual liaisons where the commitment of marriage is absent. Sex in such relationships can seem to function in the same way as sex in marriage: expressing affection, bonding the partners, adding sparkle to their relationship and helping it to feel special. Unfortunately, it can also bring about practically the exact opposite of what sex does in marriage. It can highlight an underlying sense of emotional insecurity, introduce and aggravate conflicts, and increase stress and anxiety. These effects may be subtle at first, but they take their toll. The aftermath to a broken romance or a series of casual "hook-ups" can lead to years of regret:

That sick, used feeling of having given a precious part of myself... to so many and for nothing, still aches. I never imagined I'd pay so dearly and for so long.

Such experiences are all too common. People who choose to practice casual sex are likely to face health issues, experience psychological harm, have more difficulties in subsequent relationships with others, and cause spiritual damage to their eternal soul. To enumerate:

• The chances of contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD), including HIV/AIDS, increase with the number of partners one has. Thus, monogamy is a safer option.

• Pregnancy is a potential (often intended) consequence of sexual activity. It is a common outcome even when birth control is used. For a young woman not involved in a committed relationship, the months of pregnancy, childbirth, and rearing of a child can interrupt her education and derail her dreams for a promising career, leaving her with the prospect of years of struggle as a single mother. She may choose to have an abortion, but that carries health risks and can leave psychological scars.

• Casual sex can be a corrupting influence. It is no secret that people will lie and cheat to get sex. In one group of 75 middle-class 19-year-old male students, 65% admitted getting a young woman drunk to have sex, and more than 40% had used verbal intimidation, and 20% had used force or threats of violence. In a study of University of California students, a quarter of men who were sexually involved with more than one person at a time said that their partners did not know. When people treat others as sex objects to be exploited, they end up debasing themselves.

• Regret, guilt and shame are the common aftermath of uncommitted sex. Several surveys suggest that half of sexually experienced students report "tremendous guilt" as part of the aftermath. Some causes for shame include, for a woman: giving herself to an unworthy relationship, violating her parents' trust, a ruined reputation, and loss of self-worth. A man might fell guilt over having discarded a partner and witnessing her heartbreak: "I finally got the girl into bed... but then she started saying she loved me.... [When I finally dumped her, I felt pretty low."

• Loss of self-respect is a common outcome of nonmarital sex with multiple partners. Whether sex is a matter of making conquests or negotiating favors, using another or being used, it comes at the cost of feeling valued as a person who is uniquely loved. When sexual utility is the criterion for attention, there is always the underlying anxiety that someone else will perform better or look more attractive.

• Sexual addiction is a pattern of behavior when people use sex as an easy escape from the challenges and responsibilities of life. Sex is a powerful distraction away from the important tasks that adolescents need to complete on the way to personal maturity and gaining career skills, and can thus hinder personal growth.

• Sex can damage relationships in several ways. When a friendship becomes sexual it changes, sometimes derailing a warm and caring relationship that could have been a good basis for marriage. On the other hand, a sexual relationship can trap people who otherwise would not care for each other. Sexual expectations can consume all the energy in a relationship, interfering with communication and the development of other shared interests that could sustain the relationship and help it grow.

• Breaking up from a romantic relationship where sex is involved can result in depression and precipitate an emotional crisis. In extreme cases it can lead to self-destructive behavior, or to violent rage against the former partner and his/her new lover. A sexual betrayal can create lasting issues of trust that can make it very difficult to enter into or sustain subsequent relationships.

• Down the road, the memory of former sexual partners can haunt a marriage and make it more difficult for the married couple to cultivate an exclusive bond. The habit of indulging sexual feelings before marriage makes it more difficult to resist the temptation to indulge in an affair that could wreck the marriage.

Social and cultural aspects

Human sexual behavior is typically influenced, or heavily affected by, norms from the culture. There are both explicit and implicit rules governing sexual expression. Examples of the former are prohibitions of extramarital sexual intercourse or homosexual acts in societies where traditional religion still holds sway.

Traditionally, marriage marked the norm defining what is culturally permissible sex. As this norm was disregarded, it was replaced by the age of consent. Thus, three out of four Americans frown on teenagers having sex before marriage, yet more than half believe it generally beneficial for adults to do it. Parents and teachers now give the message that sex is not for children. However, young people could see the hypocrisy as adults practiced a sexual norm that permitted unmarried sex as long as the partners were consenting; furthermore, adults, including even advocates of character education, have had great difficulty advocate a stand on sex for children that they were reluctant to practice themselves. Example is the strongest teacher, and children tend to copy their parents' behavior. Living with a single parent is the strongest predictor of teenage promiscuity. Furthermore, for the many children who are the victims of sexual abuse, their first sexual experiences is with adults. Studies indicate that the majority of pregnant girls began their sexual activity as the result of being raped or abused by men 27 years old on average. Without the norm of marriage, all the lines become blurred. Indeed, today's pervasive culture of sex outside of marriage construes virginity as deviant behavior.

This raises the issue of media influence. Movies and advertising are saturated with sexuality, shaping more than ever before the environments in which we live. Sexuality in the media is often expressed in advertising messages, where it is distilled into stereotypes and used to sell products. Critics claim that the media too often glamorizes adolescent sexuality and promiscuous lifestyles, and creates unrealistic expectations about romantic love; and that these stereotypes impact people's love life in negative ways.

Implicit rules governing sexual expression have to do with cultural expectations such as dress, colors and behaviors. There is no absolute borderline between the sexual and nonsexual enjoyment of touching, hand-holding, kissing or embracing. For example, in Asia it is common to see men holding hands as an expression of non-sexual friendship, but in America male hand-holding would be interpreted as signifying a homosexual relationship. Culture also influences gender-specific dress; thus Western media portrays little boys wearing blue shorts and play with a toy truck, while girls wear pink and play with dolls.

Sexual intercourse involving the genitals is universally regarded as sexual contact, but there is a wide range of other behaviors that may or may not be socially, legally, or ethically considered as sexual relations. The distinction between the sexual and the nonsexual becomes relevant in judging appropriate behavior, in either a social setting or in the eyes of the law.

Sometimes a society's norms and cultural expectations do not reflect the sexual inclinations of certain individuals. Those who wish to express a dissident sexuality have to form sub-cultures within the main culture where they feel free to express their sexuality with like-minded partners (or in the case of monastics, in celibate groups).

Some people engage in various sexual activities as a business transaction. When this involves having sex with, or performing certain sexual acts for, another person, it is called prostitution. Other aspects of the "adult industry" include pornography on the Internet or films, telephone sex, strip clubs, exotic dancers, and the like. Most societies view these activities as disreputable and attempt to control or prohibit them, at least as regards children. Some of these activities have been shown to have negative effects on marriage, and they can fall under similar moral strictures as other extra-marital sex.

Autoeroticism

Autoeroticism is sexual activity that does not involve another person as partner; it may involve masturbation or use of certain paraphernalia. Wet dreams and waking sexual fantasies are also autoerotic. Masturbation is in adolescence is normally harmless, but should it become compulsive it can stunt the development of mature sexuality. In adulthood these behaviors can promote escapism and avoidance of the challenge inherent in building loving relationships; they can also detract from healthy sexual expression.

Homosexuality

Homosexuality is defined as romantic and erotic orientation towards one's own sex. It encompasses thoughts, desires and fantasies, and overt sexual behavior. The causes of homosexuality are subject of considerable controversy, and may be the complex result of many factors. The best statistical data of the U.S. population indicates that 1.4% of females and 2.8% of males are active homosexuals. (The Kinsey Report erroneously reported the percentage of homosexual men at 10% due to sampling errors.) However, three-fourths of men have had one or more same-sex encounter as a child or adolescent.

Until 1973, the American Psychiatric Association classified homosexuality as a psychological disorder. That label was removed largely for ethical and political reasons: the label allegedly promoted discrimination and cruelty, most of the suffering homosexuals experienced was thought to be due to social disapproval, and the label was based on social convention, not science. Moreover, the rate of "cure" by normal psychological intervention was very low—although some psychologists since then have had some success healing homosexuals who desire to become straight with "reparative therapy." Finally, homosexuals are not impaired in the other aspects of their life and live as productive citizens.

Same-sex attraction is certainly a powerful compulsion. Neither religous teachings nor will-power can defeat it. Nevertheless, claims for a "gay gene" are overstated and the science of whether homosexuality is genetically determined is equivocal. Even if there is proven to be a genetic predisposition, as there is for alcoholism, this does not rule out the trigger of early psychological trauma or even early choices that become imprinted on the psyche.

Bracketing the question of whether same-sex attraction is a disorder by psychological standards, the homosexual lifestyle is undesirable by comparison with heterosexuals on many measures:

• Only 2% of gay men are monogamous, vs. 83% of heterosexual men
• The average homosexual male has 50 partners in his lifetime, vs. 6 for the average heterosexual
• A large minority have had sex with 500-1000 partners, mostly strangers
• Many homosexual sexual practices are risky—beginning with anal sex. The skin inside the anus is highly susceptible to tearing, which can create openings for viruses and bacteria to enter the body.
• Gay men have a higher rate of substance abuse
• Gay men are 3 times more likely to be pedophiles
• Homosexuality does not produce children, which is one of the main purposes of sexuality. Lacking the experience of being parents, homosexuals miss out on a vital dimension of human development.

The gay lifestyle is also dangerous, leading to a 25 to 30-year decrease in life expectancy as compared with married heterosexuals; this decrease is seen even for those who live with a long-term partner. Furthermore, if he contracts HIV/AIDS, his life-span is shortened by an additional 7 years. A gay man age 20 has a 30 percent chance of contracting HIV/AIDS.

Most homosexuals are trying in various ways to cope with a difficult condition. Many do not wish to be so, but find themselves with little choice but to accept that identity—often accompanied by intense anger and shame—and build their lives around it. Therefore, it is important that criticism of homosexual behavior not result in prejudice against homosexuals. In particular, people who, out of traditional religious or moral beliefs, oppose homosexuality should not single it out when there is also so much objectionable heterosexual behavior in the culture. That is, many of the most unsavory aspects of the certain homosexual lifestyles, like sprees with many partners, are supported by a wider culture that winks at the same behavior by heterosexuals.

Medical issues in sexual activity

Sexual dysfunction

A variety of psychological and physiological circumstances can impair human sexual function. These manifestations can be in the form of libido diminution or performance limitations. Both male and female can suffer from libido reduction, which can have roots in stress, loss of intimacy, distraction or derive from medical conditions.

Performance limitations may most often affect the male in the form of erectile dysfunction. Biological causes of ED may derive from the pathology of cardiovascular disease, which can reduce penile blood flow along with supply of blood to various parts of the body. Environmental stressors such as prolonged exposure to elevated sound levels or over-illumination can also induce cardiovascular changes especially if exposure is chronic.

Sexually transmitted diseases

Sexual behavior can be a dangerous disease vector. Sexual behaviors that involve exchange of bodily fluids with another person entail some risk of transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). These include HIV/AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, genital herpes, and human papilloma virus HPV—which can cause cervical cancer.

Wearing condoms, so-called "safe sex," offers some protection from many STDs. However a condom is ineffective against many common infections, such as genital herpes, human papilloma virus and gonorrhea, which can be transmitted through contact with the skin around the genitals outside the condom's latex barrier. Moreover, condoms have a 13-27% failure rate, and many people in the heat of passion neglect to use them. Even among consistent adult condom users, the rate of failure to prevent transmission of deadly HIV ranges from 10% to 30%, according to five different studies. Asking one's partner whether they have an STD is also not reliable protection, as people with AIDS and other serious STDs may lie to their partners to get sex—25% in one California study.

The odds of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is directly proportional to the number of sexual partners. Each sexual partner may also have a history of sex with a number of other partners from whom he or she might have contracted an infection, thus multiplying the risk. Therefore, reducing the number of sexual partners, ideally to a single monogamous relationship for life, is far and away the best protection against HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Dangerous sexual practices

Some sexual fetishes are dangerous. Partners who practice partial asphyxiation or sadomasochistic bondage to heighten sexual pleasure run the risk of injury and even death. Auto-asphyxiation as part of auto-erotic sex is even more dangerous, because there is no partner to rescue the person if he or she goes too far.

Abusive sexuality and sex crimes

Rape

Nearly all civilized societies consider it a serious crime to force someone to engage in sexual behavior or to engage in sexual behavior with someone who does not consent. This is called sexual assault, and if sexual penetration occurs it is called rape, the most serious kind of sexual assault.

Child sexual abuse, which can be classified as incest when the abuser is a close relative, is the most serious form of rape. It has traumatic effects on the child that can cause a lifetime of psychological and emotional pain. Yet particularly when the abuser is a parent or close relative, the crime is rarely reported.

Precisely what constitutes effective consent to have sex varies from culture to culture and is frequently debated in courts of law. In particular, the law recognizes that children should be protected from the sexual activity appropriate to adults. Hence the law may set a minimum age at which a person can consent to have sex—the age of consent—and criminalize sex with an underage child, even when he/she is a willing participant, as statutory rape. The aim of age of consent law is to protect and care for impressionable young people as they develop and mature, since people often suffer emotional dysfunction as a result of childhood sexual activity.

Date rape

The issue of consent arises when considering one of the most common forms of sexual abuse—date rape. The recent attention given to this issue emerged as part of the growing willingness to acknowledge and address domestic violence and the rights of women in general. Date rape, sometimes called acquaintance rape, began to rise to the public consciousness in the early 1980's, spurred by the research done by psychologist Mary Koss and her colleagues which was popularized in Ms. magazine in 1985. By debunking the belief that unwanted sexual advances and intercourse were not rape if they occurred with an acquaintance or while on a date, Koss compelled women to reexamine their own experiences. Many women were thus able to reframe what had happened to them as acquaintance rape and recognize that they were indeed victims of a crime.

These coercive encounters often go unreported. Often the male plies the female with alcohol to reduce her inhibitions and then coerces her to his bed. He may apply verbal pressure, sometimes even menacingly so. He may even employ a so-called date rape drug, either GHB (gamma hydroxybutyric acid), Rohypnol (flunitrazepam), or Ketamine (ketamine hydrochloride). They can be slipped into a drink to render the victim senseless or unable to resist; often the victim has no memory of what happened.

High-profile legal cases such as the Mike Tyson/Desiree Washington and William Kennedy Smith/Patricia Bowman trials have brought the issue of acquaintance rape into living rooms across America. Another trial which received national attention involved a group of teenage boys in New Jersey who sodomized and sexually assaulted a mildly retarded 17-year old female classmate. In each of these cases, the legal definition of consent was the central issue of the trial. Increased awareness of sexual coercion and acquaintance rape has thus been accompanied by important legal decisions and changes in legal definitions of rape.

Acquaintance rape remains a controversial topic because of lack of agreement upon the definition of consent. In an attempt to clarify this definition, in 1994, Antioch College in Ohio adopted what has become an infamous policy delineating consensual sexual behavior. The primary reason this policy has stirred such an uproar is that the definition of consent is based on continuous verbal communication during intimacy. The person initiating the contact must take responsibility for obtaining the other participant's verbal consent as the level of sexual intimacy increases. This must occur with each new level. The rules also state that "If you have had a particular level of sexual intimacy before with someone, you must still ask each and every time." Predictably, legalistic policies like this were widely lampooned for reducing the spontaneity of sexual intimacy to what seemed like an artificial contractual agreement.

Sexual harassment

Sexual harassment is also abusive sexuality. It occurs in a workplace or school environment where a person in a position of authority makes sexual advances on a subordinate. The coercive element is the implicit threat that the subordinate might be penalized for not complying with these advances. Sexual harassment can also occur when co-workers mock and deride a new employee with sexual language.

Another form of abuse is the use of sexual language to demean women. While this has been a traditional pastime among men in private settings, in recent years, Hip-hop artists and radio talk-show hosts called "shock jocks" have used coarse and demeaning language on the public airwaves, denigrating women as sex objects and denying them their inherent dignity.

Criminalized non-consensual and consensual sexual behavior

Other forms of abusive sexuality that are prohibited in many places include indecent and harassing phone calls, and non-consensual exhibitionism (indecent exposure) and voyeurism.

Certain consensual sexual actions or activities which are permitted (or not criminalized) in some societies may be viewed as crimes (often of a serious nature) in other societies. The clearest example of this is homosexuality. Laws prohibiting same-gender sexuality are called sodomy laws. These have varied widely, from providing legal protection to homosexuals to the point of marriage in some countries, through to obtaining the death penalty in others. Other sexual behaviors that are illicit in various jurisdictions include polygamy, adultery, public nudity (streaking), fetishes such as transvestitism, and the manufacture and sale of pornography.

Prostitution and pimping are usually regarded as illicit, but while soliciting and obtaining the services of a prostitute may be consensual, the situation of the women caught up in prostitution is often exploitative and coercive to the point of slavery. Indeed, human trafficking in sex slaves, involving millions of human beings, mainly children, is the major form of slavery today.

Resources

Boteach, Shmuley. Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy. Main Street Books, 2000. ISBN 0385494661

Devine, Tony, Joon Ho Seuk and Andrew Wilson. Cultivating Heart and Character. Chapel Hill, NC: Character Development Publishing, 2000. ISBN 1892056151

Hart, Archibald D. The Sexual Man. Thomas Nelson, 1995. ISBN 0849936845

Hart, Archibald D., Catherine Hart Weber and Debra L. Taylor. Secrets of Eve. Thomas Nelson, 2004. ISBN 0849990629

Laumann, Edward, Robert T. Michael and Gina Kolata. Sex in America (Warner Books, 1995). ISBN 0446671835

Making a Love Connection The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Retrieved April 21, 2007.

Pittman, Frank. Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy. W.W. Norton, 1990. ISBN 0393307077

Rosenau, Douglas E. A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God's Gift of Sexual Intimacy. Revised ed. Thomas Nelson, 2002. ISBN 0785264671

External links

• The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality ed. Robert T. Francoeur. Full text. Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• Human Sexuality: An Encyclopedia Edited by Erwin J. Haeberle. Full text. Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• The Medical Institute for Sexual Health Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• University of California, Santa Barbara's SexInfo Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• The National Marriage Project, Rutgers University. Retrieved April 21, 2007.
• National Sexuality Resource Center Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage by Popenoe, David and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. The National Marriage Project, 1999. Retrieved April 21, 2007.
• Ignoring Teens’ Romantic Lives, by Marline Pearson, 2003. Retrieved April 21, 2007.
• American Sexuality Magazine Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• POPLINE: Information & Knowledge for Optimal Health (INFO) Project John's Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. A searchable database of the world's reproductive health literature. Retrieved April 20, 2007.
• Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the United States Bramlett M.D. and W.D. Mosher. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Statistics 23/22 (2002). Retrieved April 21, 2007.
• Growing Up Sexually. Volume I. World Reference Atlas by D.F. Janssen. full text. Retrieved April 21, 2007.

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