Arranged marriage

An arranged marriage (also called exchange marriage) is a marriage in which the marital partners are chosen by others based on considerations other than pre-existing mutual attraction. Among Muslims an arranged marriage can refer to a marriage where husband and wife got acquainted during meetings initially arranged by their parents with the stated intention of finding a spouse. Rev. Sun Myung Moon has conducted thousands of exchange marriages, mostly for early members of the Unification Movement. It is their belief that exchange marriages contribute to a world of peace by transcending the barriers of race, culture, ethnicity and religion. Arranged marriages worldwide encompass a wide variety of procedures, cultural customs, length of courtship, as well as the practical and spiritual reasons for the matching of the marital partners.

Variations

The term "arranged marriage" is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

Traditional arranged marriage: The parents choose the child's future spouse with no input from the child. If the child refuses the choice of the parents, the child may be punished or disowned.

Modern arranged marriage: The parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice.

Modern arranged marriage with courtship: Same as above, except the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision.

Introduction only: The parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse that they found through a personal recommendation or a website. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise (although premarital sex is usually frowned upon). The parents may try to influence the child's choice or generally pressure the child to choose someone soon.

Child marriage: The parents of a small child (even infants) arrange a future marriage with another child's parents. The children are betrothed or promised to each other. Often the two children never even meet each other until the wedding ceremony, when they are both of an acceptable marriageable age — which age differs based upon custom. In some cultures, the age is at or even before the onset of puberty. Many people who have been married in this way do grow to love and cherish their spouses after the marriage.

No parent involvement: Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. A mail-order bride is selected by a man from a catalog of such women, sometimes with the assistance of a marriage agency. Mail-order husbands also exist through "reverse publications". Rather than waiting to be contacted, women can contact men directly from advertisements in publications.

Critic's Views

Concerns that have been frequently reported regarding the practice are:

Adaptation difficulties - brides face cultural, and linguistic barriers in their new countries and with their husbands. Some husbands are unfamiliar with their wives' culture, language, food preferences or religious practices. It is also an opportunity for both to learn each others cultures.
Misrepresentation (female) - brides enter a marriage solely to obtain a work permit, permanent residence or citizenship in a more desirable country.
Misrepresentation (male) - men seek mail-order brides solely as a diversion or for sex with no intent of marriage, or no intent of forging a serious, caring relationship.
Sham marriage - the couple marries with knowledge that the marriage is solely for the purpose of obtaining legal status for the woman in the destination country. This is frequently arranged as a business transaction. This occurs more commonly with foreigners already in the country and not with mail order brides. Immigration (USCIS) can punish this with a $250,000 fine and five year prison sentence.
Stereotyping - Asian mail-order brides are frequently portrayed as submissive, obedient, loyal, soft-spoken, meek, devoted, cooperative, family-oriented, etc. Women from other regions are also frequently stereotyped. Some people consider things like "family oriented" to be sexist; others do not.
Fraud - like all kinds of Internet businesses, some marriage agencies operate entirely as a scheme to defraud male clients. [1]
Abuse and people trafficking - Just as in regular marriages, women risk involvement with abusive partners or domestic slavery. Due to the nature of the mail-order bride relationship, there is a popular perception that mail-order brides may find themselves married to husbands who do not care for or respect them. It is difficult to find documentation of such claims. Three mail order brides have been murdered in the past 20 years compared to thousands of regular American brides who have been murdered [2]. Because regular brides vastly outnumber mail-order brides, of course, these statistics do not show that a mail-order bride is more or less likely to be abused or murdered than an American woman.

Proponents' views

It is thought by adherents that physical attaction is not a suitable foundation upon which to build a marriage and a family.

Proponents of arranged marriage claim that arranged marriages are more successful than other marriages. They hold that the spouses in an arranged marriage begin without any expectations from each other, and that as the relationship matures, a greater understanding between the two develops, aided by their often similar socioeconomic and cultural backgrounds. In contrast, they feel that persons who enter into a marriage for romantic reasons often begin with unreasonable expectations, with little room for improvement but a great chance of failure.

The parents, who often arrange the marriages, are trusted to make a match that is in the best interest of their children; though there are times when the choosers select a match that serves their interest and not the couple’s. However, the community and even the children may see this as an acceptable risk.

Economic principle of arranged marriages

Arranged marriages operate on the notion that marriages are primarily an economic union or a means to have children. It sees relationships as defined on the basis of economic dimensions on which social-sexual relationships would be based and defined.

It has also been said that in some cultures where divorce is forbidden or uncommon, arranged marriage would work out nicely because both husband and wife would accept the marriage producing their best efforts to make it a success instead of breaking up at the slightest conflict. Others do object, however, that in an "ordinary" sentimental marriage there would be no reason not to make the same, or even greater efforts, in the aim of a success that could be much more relevant for the couple (in presence of true sentimens of course).

Child marriage has been practiced in many cultures for centuries although it is not so popular anymore except in India and Sub-Saharan Africa. It was also common among the nobility of some countries, with betrothal being used to secure political alliances in much the same way that marriage was.

The rationale behind this practice is that a child's parents can arrange a sensible match with the parents of a child from a suitable family, thus securing the child's future at a young age. Families are able to cement political and/or financial ties by having children intermarry. The betrothal is considered a binding contract upon the families and the children. The breaking of a betrothal can have serious consequences for both the families and the children themselves.

International: In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. For example, the man may be an American of Indian ancestry and the woman may be an Indian living in India who will move to America after the marriage.

Mail-order bride: In this case, an arranged marriage may be beneficial because the man's parents can get to know the woman and her family to better ensure that she is not misrepresenting herself in order to simply immigrate to a wealthy country. Also, the woman's parents can learn about the man and his family to ensure that their daughter will be safe in a foreign country.

Sociopolitics of arranged marriage

In a large number of arranged marriages, the male is older than the female. This age disparity is usually intentional; some societies consider it proper for an older man to be united with a younger woman. In an arranged marriage the women always seeks a man who is at least equal if not higher to her in socio-economic status. Rarely does an arranged marriage happen where the male is lower to the woman, either in socio-economic status, caste, class or by height.Class was often the basis of a good marriage, but not always.

Unification Church Matchings

Rev. Sun Myung Moon has conducted thousands of arranged marriages, mostly for early members of the Unification Movement. Nowadays, Moon rarely performs these matchings himself, although he does still arrange couples from the second generation of Unificationist Blessed Couples.

Shidduch

Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.

The phenomenon

In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character and level of religious observance.

A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadchan). A professional shadchan often gets a fee for his/her services. There are variations between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get on. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not.

Positive aspects are that the practice complies with Judaism's outlook on "proper behaviour" between men and women and is intended to prevent promiscuity. It also benefits members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.

Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a medical history or active disease, people from broken homes, orphans and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages.

Backgrounds

The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbour" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely doomed to be without love.

The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).

The shidduch in art

In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking is possibly somewhat on the satirical side.

Shidduchim in history

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).

Shidduchim and hereditary disease

Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union would result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from Tay-Sachs disease.

Criticism

The process of shidduchim is under a fair bit of criticism, mainly for being "unromantic" and too closely resembling the practice of arranged marriages. It has also proven quite traumatic for people with disadvantages (as mentioned above). Yet, within the legal limitations, it appears to be the only viable solution within the Orthodox community.

Shim-pua marriage

Shim-pua marriage (Taiwanese: sin-pū-á, sim-pū-á) was a Taiwanese tradition of arranged marriage, where a poor family (burdened by too many children) would sell a young daughter to a richer family for labour, and in exchange, the poorer family would be married into the richer family, through the daughter. The girl acted both as an adopted daughter (to be married with a young male member of the adopted family in the future) and free labour. Due to the lower-class status of the girls, discrimination was often present, and slavery-like treatment was not uncommon.

These marriages were rarely successful, principally because of a lack of sexual attraction between the husband and wife. This has been explained as a classic demonstration of the Westermarck effect.

Shim-pua marriage fell out of practice in the 1970s due to increased wealth from Taiwan's economic success making these arrangements unnecessary. A direct translation of "Shim-pua" is simply "little daughter-in-law."

References
ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1568711328.

External links

End The Madness, support for singles who have suffered stigma in the shidduch process.
The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
Arranged Marriages? chabad.org
Child Marriage - (Bal Vivaaha)
Forced child marriage tests Pakistan law - BBC news

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