Matchmaker

Matchmaking is the process of introducing a couple as potential partners in marriage. Some cultures, past and present, seek suggestions from matchmakers because they may have a deeper understanding of human character, a wider connection to acquantances, and perhaps a greater knowledge and/or objective information to help someone choose a marriage partner. Technological advances have seen the emergence of specialized meeting systems whether it be in person, on the phone, by mail, and/or online. If the matchmaking and subsequent relationship is built on a higher level of spirituality and strong family values, it creates the foundation for that marriage to mature into a deep romance and a joyful family life.

Historical Overview

In ancient times, parents would request the assistance of a matchmaker since the only way for young people to get married was by arranged marriage. The job of the matchmaker was extremely important because young people were not allowed their own choice. For many centuries, the matchmaker was to check the ethnic identity and compatibility of the proposed matching of a couple. They could act as middlemen to help in the arranged marriages especially if the aquantances of the parents and family were limited.

Matchmakers were generally paid the agreed upon amount of money or a percentage of the dowry.

Jewish Shadkhan

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant, Eliezer, made for his master's son, Isaac. Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

When Abraham's servant, Eliezer, proposes to take Rebecca back to Canaan to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage, but this does necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say (veto) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to God. Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov ben Moshe Levi Moelin, (Germany, 1355-1427).

Japanese nakōdo

Omiai (Japanese: お見合い) or miai (the o is honorific) is a Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage.

The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way. Parents may enlist the aid of professional matchmakers, nakōdo (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured, and/or well-educated. The word "Omiai" is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple with the matchmaker and the couple's parents present. Omiai's are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire. Company bosses may also search out mates for single male employees who are about to be sent abroad. Over the next few subsequent dates, the couple will discuss whether they want to get married or not.

Although this custom is sometimes described as "arranged marriage", in its modern form, it is the couple that makes the final decision whether to marry or not. Quite often one side or the other will veto the idea of a union, and the matchmaker will then introduce other prospects. Japanese children seek to take their parents' wishes into account, and may, for example, turn down an attractive prospect if the parents are opposed.

If a union is successfully negotiated, the groom and his parents will pay a visit to the bride's family and present them with a Yuino (Japanese: 結納), a dowry, intended in part to offset the expenses involved in paying for the wedding.

In Japan, there is considerable debate about the relative merits of omiai marriages versus ren'ai marriages (i.e. love matches based on romantic love). The traditional view of love in Japan was volatile, unpredictable unlikely to last, similar in some ways to the view in Romeo and Juliet: "like fire and powder, Which as they kiss, consume." Omiai is often presented as a more practical alternative, focusing on the man's ability to provide for the family, and the woman's cultural attainments, such as the ability to arrange flowers or do the Japanese tea ceremony.

Omiai marriages are more common in rural areas of Japan.

Korean Matchmakers

Korean matchmakers, called “joongme”, are very common in South Korea. Families visit a matchmaker with the resumes of the young person and ask the matchmaker to find a compatible person. Status and earning potential are evaluated as well as the families lineage. Korean’s highly value their lineage and keep precise records of their lineage. Young people are allowed to voice their comments about their match more than previously allowed. The matchmaker receives a certain fee that is negotiated.

Western Matchmakers

Clergy probably played a key role as matchmakers in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society. Matchmaking was certainly one of the peripheral functions of the village priest in Medieval Catholic society, as well as a Talmudic duty of rabbis in traditional Jewish communities.

Social dances in North America, especially the line dances and square dances, have been utilized for matchmaking although it's informally. When farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in church or in such mandated social events. Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed 'busybodies' serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances before they went too far.

The influence of such people in a culture that did not arrange marriages is difficult to determine. It may be fair to say only that they were able to speed up, or slow down, relationships that were already forming.

Matchmaking was one of the oldest traditions of Ireland when the country had two classes, the rich landowners and the poor peasants. The rich had their sons and daughters matched with other people who were well to do. The Spa Town of Lisdoonvarna, in the Burren Mountains of County Clare, Ireland, was picked because people went there in the thousands to drink the healthy Spa waters and bathe in the three different mineral cure waters. The month of September was chosen since it was when the hay and crops were saved and the livestock did not need extra feeding until later in the autumn. The Matchmakers of old were the dealers who attended street fairs, as it was they who knew the farmers who had eligible sons and daughters around the country. They collected generous dowries when matches were made. The Matchmaking Festival still takes place every year during September and October in Lisdoonvarna. [1]

Since the emergence of the mythology of romantic love in the Christian world in medieval times, the pursuit of happiness via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a human right. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern net dating service is just one of many examples of a dating system where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.

Modern Trends

U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of “paid content” on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.

At the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including Yahoo Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony.

Dating Systems

A "dating system" is any systemic means of improving matchmaking via rules or technology. It is a specialized meeting system either live in person, on the phone, or in chat rooms online. The acceptance of dating systems has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker. Those who find dating systems or services useful but prefer human intelligence and personal touches can choose from a wide range of such services now available.

The concept of matchmaking is also used in the business world and known as B2B Matchmaking, Business Events or Brokerage Events. In contradiction to social networking solutions, real meetings between business people are in focus. Trade fair organizations, for example, find this concept an added value for their exhibitors because it gives them the opportunity of advanced planned meetings.

Net dating services, also known as online dating or internet dating, provide unmoderated matchmaking through the use of personal computers, the internet, or even cell phones. Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender and location. Most sites allow members to upload photos of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, and message boards. Sites sometimes allow people to register for free but may offer services which require a monthly fee.

Many sites are broad-based, with members from a variety of backgrounds looking for different types of relationships. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, and location.

In Singapore, the Singapore Social Development Unit (SDU), run by the city-state's government, offers a combination of professional counsel and dating system technology, like many commercial dating services. Thus the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a bureaucrat, and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for royalty or upper classes.

The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles are not actually real persons. It has become a habit of some companies to plant "fake" profiles that are in reality advertisements to other sites or, in some cases, a lure to get the person to continue the service after he has cancelled by receiving a message from a supposedly interested person.

In addition, many services contain quantitative profile options that engender misrepresentations. Members of online dating sites are not trusting the descriptions of their fellow members. There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern. According to Keynote, 61% of customers are concerned that members are misrepresenting themselves. Unfortunately, the members of online dating sites have little control with the way they are represented due to the limited options offered through descriptions and characteristics.

Speed Dating

A notable live dating system is speed dating, which relies to some degree on the transportation and communication facilities of a modern society, and reflects its accelerated pace of life.

Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah, as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews.

In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, they are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure to accept or reject a suitor to their face. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties.

Matchmakers in the Twenty-first Century

Rabbi Barry Marcus: Jewish Matchmaker

Rabbi Barry Marcus, based at the Orthodox Jewish Central Synagogue in Central London, explains, "There's an old rabbinical saying: 'Matchmaking is more difficult than parting the Red Sea'."

Rabbi Berry Marcus's guides young people:

'What we say is listen to your parents, but rely on your own discernment too. Don't listen too much to your physical needs. We say you should rise, not fall in love. Falling in love is mere lust, sheer madness. Yes, physical desire is important, a prerequisite perhaps, but it's not everything. Love should grow organically over time, along with respect. But these things have to learned! What amazes me about the West is that here you learn to do everything – to drive, to use computers – but you don't get training in the most difficult task of all: marriage. Once a couple's met and made a commitment to each other, we don't leave them to it, we have group sessions where people who are hoping to marry get together with other couples and talk. We find that couples learn a great deal from others' experiences and mistakes. Couples can learn that marriage is a privilege, that marriage is not something sad, it's not just settling down, giving up youth, something to reign yourself to. It's a precious thing – sharing your life with someone else.' [2]

Parag Bhargava: Hindu and Muslim Matchmaker

Parag Bhargava, director at the Suman Marriage Bureau, (claiming to be "the largest Asian marriage bureau in the world"), arranges and facilitates marital matches for Hindus and Muslims all over the globe. [3]

According to Parag Bhargava:

'We provide a relaxed, 21st century version of the old-fashioned marriage networks that have now largely disappeared in our communities. Having personally interviewed the prospective client, bachelor or spinster, along with his or her family where possible, we run them through our computer system for a match, which can take six to 12 months. What we've found to be the main criterion for a successful match is family: they have to be suited. Although it's not impossible to find a match where the families are very different, where one father is a dustman, say, and the other a doctor, it makes it much more difficult. Having a similar family background means it's likely that the partners will share common values, outlooks, belief systems and expectations.' [4]

Reverend Sun Myung Moon: World Matchmaker

Since 1960, Reverend and Mrs. Moon have married successively larger numbers of couples most of which were matched by him either in person or by picture. In 1961, 36 couples, and in later years 72, 124, 430, 777, 1,800 and 8,000 couples have taken their wedding vows on the same day. On August 25, 1992, in Seoul, Korea, 30,000 couples blessed by Reverend and Mrs. Moon came from many different faiths and from more than 130 different nations. The spectacular 1992 event included couples who simultaneously participated in the ceremony via satellite from as far away as Africa. Then, in August 25, 1995 Seoul, Korea, 360,000 couples from 160 nations and numerous simultaneous ceremony locations via satellite.

Often this Marriage Blessing has been given through group wedding ceremonies which include both newlyweds and couples renewing their marriage vows. The shared experience is intended to foster not only healthy individual families but also a global community promoting the ideals of love and peace. During the ceremony each couple is asked to affirm that:

The family is meant to be the dwelling place of God's true love;
Faith in God and spiritual practices are enormously valuable resources in any marriage; and
The intact, healthy family of parents and children is absolutely necessary to the well being of our nation, our world.

On the foundation of shared faith, common values and a commitment to God, marriage to a unknown partner becomes possible, workable and successful. Indeed, couples that start with this foundation find that a deep romance can be the fruit of a steadily maturing relationship leading to joyful family life.

Rev. Moon, Sun Myung's comments about matchmaking and marriage:

'My reputation for matchmaking is already very high in Korea. There is a Korean philosophy about matchmaking, which is a very consistent philosophy or system of study that has existed for a very long time. There are many matchmakers in Korea who have studied this art and have made many matches in their lifetime. Many times, members (matched by Rev. Moon) have gone to them and have shown them their match and they were very shocked by how good it was. These matchmakers admitted they could not have done any better. There is a way in which you were born and I can understand about that. My matchmaking abilities didn't come late in life, but from very early on, people recognized my abilities. When I was very young I would see a couple and tell right away if it was a good couple or not. Soon, people started to come to me and show me pictures and ask me if it was a good match or not. For years and years I studied and practiced in this area of life'...

'Don't think, 'Well, everybody is getting married and I am just one of them.' That isn't so. The quality of your marriage is very different. Look at the ocean. There are many depths and colors in the ocean. Your marriages are like that. Each one is very unique. You have to feel that mystical quality towards your marriage. Think about how a man and woman who were once strangers now come to live together, and come to know each other as no one else. It is a very deep thing if you think about it. A very mysterious thing if you really stop to consider it.' [5]

Conclusion

External links

HurryDate: Mate preferences in action - a study done by evolutionary psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania
SpeedDatingSites.com List of speed dating companies in various cities
The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
Matchmaking and the Shadchan chabad.org
Date Like an Economist Yale Economic Review article on Adverse Selection in the Dating 'Market'
Love on the web BBC Money Programme. 2 February 2006
Korean Wedding Traditions
Make me a match

References
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