Matchmaker

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Matchmaking is a process of introducing a couple for the purpose of fulfillment in marriage. Some cultures, past and present, prefer parents, elders, or professionals who have more experience and objective information to guide young people towards finding a marriage partner. While some may feel the need for romantic or physical attraction, history has proven these characteristics of a relationship do not automatically guarantee a successful marriage. If the matchmaking process is riddled with self-centered goals and selfish desires, the marriage is bound to be doomed. On the other hand, if the matchmaking and consequent relationship is built on a higher level of spirituality and a desire to live for the sake of others, including their spouse, joy can abound.

Historical Overview

In some cultures, the role of the matchmaker was and is quite professionalized. The Ashkenazi Jewish shadchan or the Hindu astrologer were often thought to be essential advisors. In cultures where arranged marriages were the rule, the astrologer often claimed that the stars sanctified matches that both parents approved of. The tarot has also been employed by some matchmakers.

Shidduch

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant, Eliezer, made for his master's son, Isaac. Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

When Abraham's servant, Eliezer, proposes to take Rebecca back to Canaan to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage, but this does necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say (veto) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to God. Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov ben Moshe Levi Moelin, (Germany, 1355-1427).

Japanese Omiai

Omiai (Japanese: お見合い) or miai (the o is honorific) is a Japanese custom whereby unattached individuals are introduced to each other to consider the possibility of marriage.

The initiative for these introductions often comes from the parents who may feel that their son or daughter is of a marriageable age, but has shown little or no sign of seeking a partner on their own. Other times, the individual may ask friends or acquaintances to introduce potential mates in a similar way. Parents may enlist the aid of professional matchmakers, nakōdo (Japanese: 仲人) (intermediary or go-between, literally "middle person") who charge a fee to provide pictures and resumes of potential mates who are rich, cultured, and/or well-educated. The word "Omiai" is used to describe both the entire process as well as the first meeting between the couple with the matchmaker and the couple's parents present. Omiai's are often carried out in expensive tea shops or hotels with all present dressed in formal attire. Company bosses may also search out mates for single male employees who are about to be sent abroad. Over the next few subsequent dates, the couple will discuss whether they want to get married or not.

Although this custom is sometimes described as "arranged marriage", in its modern form, it is the couple that makes the final decision whether to marry or not. Quite often one side or the other will veto the idea of a union, and the matchmaker will then introduce other prospects. Japanese children seek to take their parents' wishes into account, and may, for example, turn down an attractive prospect if the parents are opposed.

If a union is successfully negotiated, the groom and his parents will pay a visit to the bride's family and present them with a Yuino (Japanese: 結納), a dowry, intended in part to offset the expenses involved in paying for the wedding.

In Japan, there is considerable debate about the relative merits of omiai marriages versus ren'ai marriages (i.e. love matches based on romantic love). The traditional view of love in Japan was volatile, unpredictable unlikely to last, similar in some ways to the view in Romeo and Juliet: "like fire and powder, Which as they kiss, consume." Omiai is often presented as a more practical alternative, focusing on the man's ability to provide for the family, and the woman's cultural attainments, such as the ability to arrange flowers or do the Japanese tea ceremony.

Omiai marriages are more common in rural areas of Japan.

Western Society

Matchmaking was one of the oldest traditions of Ireland when the country had two classes, the rich landowners and the poor peasants. The rich had their sons and daughters matched with other people who were well to do. The Spa Town of Lisdoonvarna, in the Burren Mountains of County Clare, Ireland, was picked because people went there in the thousands to drink the healthy Spa waters and bathe in the three different mineral cure waters. The month of September was chosen since it was when the hay and crops were saved and the livestock did not need extra feeding until later in the autumn. The Matchmakers of old were the dealers who attended street fairs, as it was they who knew the farmers who had eligible sons and daughters around the country. They collected generous dowries when matches were made. Today there are just two matchmakers left in County Clare, Mr. Willie Daly (Horse Dealer) who runs the riding centre outside Ennistymon and Mr. James White, hotelier, and proprietor of the Imperial Hotel, Lisdoonvarna. The Matchmaking Festival still takes place every year during September and October in Lisdoonvarna. [1]

Social dance frontier North America, especially the line dance and square dance, has also been employed in matchmaking usually informally. However, when farming families were widely separated and kept all children on the farm working, marriage-age children could often only meet in church or in such mandated social events. Matchmakers, acting as formal chaperones or as self-employed 'busybodies' serving less clear social purposes, would attend such events and advise families of any burgeoning romances before they went too far.

The influence of such people in a culture that did not arrange marriages is difficult to determine. It may be fair to say only that they were able to speed up, or slow down, relationships that were already forming. Clergy probably played a key role in most Western cultures, as they continue to do in modern ones, especially where they are the most trusted mediators in the society. Matchmaking was certainly one of the peripheral functions of the village priest in Medieval Catholic society, as well as a Talmudic duty of rabbis in traditional Jewish communities.

Since the emergence of the mythology of romantic love in the Christian world in medieval times, the pursuit of happiness via such romantic love has often been viewed as something akin to a human right. Matchmakers trade on this belief, and the modern net dating service is just one of many examples of a dating system where technology is invoked as a magic charm with the capacity to bring happiness.

Modern Technological Trends

In Singapore, the Singapore Social Development Unit (SDU), run by the city-state's government, offers a combination of professional counsel and dating system technology, like many commercial dating services. Thus the role of the matchmaker has become institutionalized, as a bureaucrat, and every citizen in Singapore has access to some subset of the matchmaking services that were once reserved for royalty or upper classes.

Dating Systems

A "dating system" is any systemic means of improving matchmaking via rules or technology. It is a specialized meeting system where the objective of the meeting, be it live or phone or chat based, is to go on a live date with someone. Recently, "couple-dating" and "friend-dating" systems have also become popular, especially among those who met on dating systems and enjoy the interactions, but have settled down with mates.

The acceptance of dating systems has created something of a resurgence in the role of the traditional professional matchmaker. Those who find dating systems or services useful but prefer human intelligence and personal touches can choose from a wide range of such services now available.

The concept of matchmaking is also used in the business world and known as B2B Matchmaking, Business Events or Brokerage Events. In contradiction to social networking solutions, real meetings between business people are in focus. Trade fair organisations e.g. find this concept an added value for their exhibitors because it gives them the opportunity of advanced planned meetings.

Live dating systems do not typically impose a great deal of structure on the actual interaction between the individuals considering going on dates. This article is concerned with actual 'systems' that do more than simple introductions, and where interactions are often strongly structured, down to the details:

  • "Computer dating" systems of the early-to-mid 20th century, especially popular in the 1960s and 1970s, before the rise of sophisticated phone and computer systems, gave customers forms that they filled out with important tolerances and preferences, which were "matched by computer" to determine "compatibility" of the two customers.
  • "Video dating" systems of the 1980s and 1990s especially, where customers gave a performance on (typically VHS tape) video, which was viewable by other customers, usually in private, in the same facility. Some services would record and play back videos for men and women on alternate days to minimize the chance that customers would meet each other on the street.
  • "Phone dating" systems of about the same vintage, where customers call a common voice mail or phone-chat server at a common local phone number, and are connected with other (reputed) singles, and typically charged by the minute as if it were a long-distance call (often a very expensive one). A key problem of such systems was that they were hard to differentiate from a phone porn service.
  • Online dating services beginning in the 1990s, which may incorporate a form-, video-, or audio-/phone-based component, integrating them into a single "profile" and providing multiple means to communicate (including the telephone).

Speed Dating

A notable and recent live dating system that does not seem to have arisen in traditional matchmaking is speed dating, which relies to some degree on the transportation and communication facilities of a modern society, and reflects its accelerated pace of life.

Speed dating is a formalized matchmaking process whose purpose is to encourage people to meet a large number of new people. Its origins are credited to Rabbi Yaacov Deyo of Aish HaTorah, as a way to ensure that more Jewish singles met each other in large cities where they were outnumbered by non-Jews. It has been made more popular by its use dating game shows such as Fifth Wheel.

Supporters argue that speed dating saves time, as most people decide if they are romantically compatible very quickly, and first impressions are often permanent.

In the original idea of speed dating, men and women are rotated to meet each other for only eight minutes. At the end of each eight minutes, they are forced to the next round no matter how much they are enjoying the interaction (or dread the next one). At the end of the event participants submit to the organizers a list of who they would like to provide their contact information to. To maximize the number of interactions, organizers often depart from the original idea and set meeting times as low as one minute per person. If there is a match, contact information is forwarded to both parties. Contact information cannot be traded during the initial meeting, in order to reduce pressure (especially on women) to accept or reject a suitor to their face.

Proponents of speed dating cite its advantages as:

  • it allows singles to meet a large number of new people in one easy event;
  • it is especially efficient for busy professionals or those that have limited social circles;
  • it levels the playing field for men and women;
  • men do not have to play their traditional role as the aggressor since both men and women are forced to meet and interact
  • the structured interaction helps shy people to overcome their inhibitions;
  • the time limit ensures that no one is stuck talking to someone longer than they wish;
  • the matching process occurs after the event, ensuring people do not have to face rejection in person

Critics of speed dating claim:

  • it reinforces first impressions, which may not be reliable indicators of long-term compatibility.
  • it tends to put less extroverted subjects at a disadvantage.

Despite these criticisms, speed dating continues to grow in popularity.

Net Dating Service

A net dating service, also known as online dating or internet dating, is an example of a dating system and allows individuals, couples and groups to meet online and possibly develop relationship. Net dating services provide unmoderated matchmaking through the use of personal computers the Internet or even cell phones.

Such services generally allow people to provide personal information, then search for other individuals using criteria such as age range, gender and location. Most sites allow members to upload photos of themselves and browse the photos of others. Sites may offer additional services, such as webcasts, online chat, and message boards. Sites sometimes allow people to register for free but may offer services which require a monthly fee.

Many sites are broad-based, with members from a variety of backgrounds looking for different types of relationships. Other sites are more specific, based on the type of members, interests, and location.

Trends

U.S. residents spent $469.5 million on online dating and personals in 2004, the largest segment of “paid content” on the web, according to a study conducted by the Online Publishers Association (OPA) and comScore Networks.

At the end of November 2004, there were 844 lifestyle and dating sites, a 38 percent increase since the start of the year, according to Hitwise Inc. However, market share was increasingly being dominated by several large services, including Yahoo Personals, Match.com, American Singles, and eHarmony. eHarmony CEO Greg Forgatch noted that despite the growing number of sites catering to specific niches "to become a major player, it still takes a large number of people."

The online dating trend has also become very successful in Europe in the past decade. Not only has match.com opened local branches in European countries to cater to their particular culture and language, but also a French company, Meetic, has become one of the top sites. Their success has encouraged new start-ups and niche sites to come on board.

Problems with Online Dating Services

The main problem with most online dating services is that many profiles are not actually real persons. It has become a habit of some companies to plant "fake" profiles that are in reality advertisements to other sites or...in some cases a lure to get the person to continue the service after he has cancelled by receiving a message from a supposedly interested person. There are however, free dating sites that users do not have to pay for to use and reply to messages.

In addition, many services contain quantitative profile options that engender misrepresentations. Members of online dating sites are not trusting the descriptions of their fellow members. There have been numerous studies on customer satisfaction with online dating sites and the lack of trust with other members is the most overwhelming concern. According to Keynote, 61% of customers are concerned that members are misrepresenting themselves. Unfortunately, the members of online dating sites have little control with the way they are represented due to the limited options offered through descriptions and characteristics.


Matchmaker Moon, Sun Myung

Background

Since 1960, Reverend and Mrs. Moon has married successively larger numbers of couples most of which were matched by him either in person or by picture. In 1961, 36 couples, and in later years 72, 124, 430, 777, 1,800 and 8,000 couples have taken their wedding vows on the same day. On August 25, 1992, in Seoul, Korea, 30,000 couples blessed by Reverend and Mrs. Moon came from many different faiths and from more than 130 different nations. The spectacular 1992 event included couples who simultaneously participated in the ceremony via satellite from as far away as Africa.

On the foundation of shared faith, common values and a commitment to God, marriage to a unknown partner becomes possible, workable and successful. Indeed, couples that start with this foundation find that a deep romance is the fruit of a steadily maturing relationship leading to joyful family life.

Marriage to someone not previously known may seem strange. Yet spouses who thought they knew each other before marriage, years later, recognize how little they really knew their partner beforehand. The bleak statistics of marriage based on romantic love tend to confirm this.

Dr. Paul Johnson, noted historian and author, encountered many of the young men and women arriving at Seoul's Kimpo Airport prior to the 1992 ceremony. Writing in "The Spectator", Johnson offers us his perspective on their shared adventure: "What aroused my interest was being told that many of the 30,000 brides and grooms had never actually met, though they had corresponded and exchanged photographs. They had been matched up, as it were, by the Rev. Moon personally. Most people in the West find this outrageous, but we are in a minority"

There are over three billion people in just six Eastern countries (China, India, Pakistan, Indonesia, Bangladesh and Vietnam), making our Western societies together look puny. The likelihood is that most of the marriages generated by this huge mass will be arranged by parents or families, in one way or another, as they always have been. But parents and families are often motivated by unworthy considerations, usually financial. So it may be that matching by a disinterested outsider, concerned only with decorum, compatibility and in Rev. Moon's case, world peace, would be an improvement.

In 1991, an American novelist expressed in literary form another perception of the historical significance of the marriages performed by Reverend and Mrs Moon. While acknowledging the difficulty westerners have conceptualizing marriage within a communal framework, he understood that this holds out what may be the only hope for humankind: "The point of mass marriage," says Scott to Brita, "Is to show that we have to survive as a community instead of individuals" [2]

Reflections by Moon, Sun Myung

"When I see you I understand immediately how you feel towards your match. I can accurately foretell the spiritual outcome of a couple. When I match you, I don't match you on the same level that you are. Instead, my mind is looking down upon you from the very highest viewpoint.

My reputation for matchmaking is already very high in Korea. There is a Korean philosophy about matchmaking, which is a very consistent philosophy or system of study that has existed for a very long time. There are many matchmakers in Korea who have studied this art and have made many matches in their lifetime. Many times, members have gone to them and have shown them their match and they were very shocked by how good it was. These matchmakers admitted they could not have done any better.

There is a way in which you were born and I can understand about that. My matchmaking abilities didn't come late in life, but from very early on, people recognized my abilities. When I was very young I would see a couple and tell right away if it was a good couple or not. Soon, people started to come to me and show me pictures and ask me if it was a good match or not. For years and years I studied and practiced in this area of life.

The quality of people is different. One is going on an upward curve and the other is going down. Someone may be at the very top of their own prosperity and they are going in a downward curve. Another person may be just starting to go up. This is just the natural way of life. You have to have the right kind of harmony. If one moves faster than the other, a spouse may be left behind and die. Marriage is a very important thing"

"The most important event in one's life is taking a spouse, getting married. In America, this most serious thing is taken in a foolish way. Some people meet each other and in the same day they are married. Some people don't even bother about marriage, but just freely come together and then never see each other again. This kind of thing produces a deep scar each time"

"Don't think, 'Well, everybody is getting married and I am just one of them.' That isn't so. The quality of your marriage is very different. Look at the ocean. There are many depths and colors in the ocean. Your marriages are like that. Each one is very unique. You have to feel that mystical quality towards your marriage. Think about how a man and woman who were once strangers now come to live together, and come to know each other as no one else. It is a very deep thing if you think about it. A very mysterious thing if you really stop to consider it." [3]

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