Arranged marriage

An arranged marriage (also called exchange marriage) is a marriage in which the marital partners are chosen by others based on considerations other than pre-existing mutual attraction. Arranged marriages worldwide encompass a wide variety of procedures, cultural customs, length of courtship, as well as the practical and spiritual reasons for the matching of the marital partners. While arranged marriages have existed since ancient times, technological advances have expanded the avenues to facilite the matchings, meetings, and marriages. Rev. Sun Myung Moon has revived the tradition of arranged marriage as a way of strengthening families of true love and thereby promoting world peace.

Definitions

The term "arranged marriage" is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

Traditional arranged marriage: The parents choose the child's future spouse with no input from the child. In the unlikely case where the child refuses the choice of the parents, the child may be punished or disowned.

Modern arranged marriage: The parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice.

Modern arranged marriage with courtship: As in the modern arranged marriage, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision.

Introduction only: The parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse that they found through a personal recommendation or a website. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise (although premarital sex is usually frowned upon). The parents may try to influence the child's choice or generally pressure the child to choose someone soon.

Child marriage: The parents of a small child (even infants) arrange a future marriage with another child's parents. The children are betrothed or promised to each other. Often the two children never even meet each other until the wedding ceremony, when they are both of an acceptable marriageable age—which age differs based upon custom. In some cultures, the age is at or even before the onset of puberty. Many people who have been married in this way do grow to love and cherish their spouses after the marriage.

Exchange Marriage: This form of marriage involves a reciprocal exchange of spouses between two groups or tribes. For example, among the Australian Aborigines, the ideal model of any marriage contract is that two men of different groups should marry each other's sisters.

Forced Marriage: "It is also important to make a clear distinction between arranged marriages that are consensual and marriages that are arranged without the consent of the individuals involved. These are sometimes called Forced Marriages and are against the law in this country." (Quoted from The National Youth Agency (England) http://www.youthinformation.com/Templates/Internal.asp?NodeID=90221)

Mail Order: Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. A mail-order bride is selected by a man from a catalog of such women, sometimes with the assistance of a marriage agency. Mail-order husbands also exist through "reverse publications". Rather than waiting to be contacted, women can contact men directly from advertisements in publications. In this case, an arranged marriage may be beneficial because the man's parents can get to know the woman and her family to better ensure that she is not misrepresenting herself in order to simply immigrate to a wealthy country. Also, the woman's parents can learn about the man and his family to ensure that their daughter will be safe in a foreign country.

Love-cum-arranged marriage is a matrimony between a mutually acceptable and consenting couple that has been facilitated by the couple’s parents. Etymological Note: Cum is Latin for “with” or “together with.” (Quoted from Double-Tongued Word Wrester http://www.doubletongued.org/index.php/dictionary/love_cum_arranged_marriage)

Practice in Various Cultures

International

In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. For example, the man may be an American of Indian ancestry and the woman may be an Indian living in India who will move to America after the marriage.

Marriage in Islam

Among Muslims, an arranged marriage can refer to a marriage where husband and wife got acquainted during meetings initially arranged by their parents with the stated intention of finding a spouse. This process usually starts by the family asking questions about the personality, beauty, family, education, and finances of a potential partner. After finding someone that appears to be compatible, they make a recommendation for the couple to begin meeting. Islam prohibits unmarried, unrelated men and women being alone together and physical relationships are not part of the meetings. The couple makes the decision whether to accept the marriage or not since Islam prohibits marrying anyone against his or her will.

Shidduch

Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.

The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbor" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, based on the understanding that such a marriage is likely to be doomed without love.

The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, such as on his/her character and level of religious observance.

A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadkhan or "matchmaker"). A professional shadkhan often gets a fee for his/her services.

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover if they will get along. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not.

A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427). Matches were also often made as multitudes gathered at summer fairs. In the book, "Yeven Metzula (Abyss of Despair)" by Rabbi Nathan Nata Hanover, the author describes how thousands converged upon the fair in Poland in the years prior to the Chmielnicki massacres (1648-1649). The shadchan was often joked about in nineteenth century Haskala literature as if it was a relic of an uncivilized past, Over the past number of decades, the professional shadchan has made a strong comeback among many sections of Jewish society, especially in the Orthodox world. (http://www.projectgenesis.org/features/secondlook/shadchan.html)

Shim-pua marriage

A direct translation of "Shim-pua" is simply "little daughter-in-law." Shim-pua marriage (Taiwanese: sin-pū-á, sim-pū-á) was a Taiwanese tradition of arranged marriage, where a poor family, burdened by too many children, would sell a young daughter to a richer family for labor, and in exchange, the poorer family would be married into the richer family, through the daughter. The girl acted both as an adopted daughter to be married with a young male member of the adopted family in the future and free labor. Due to the lower-class status of the girls, discrimination was often present, and slavery-like treatment was not uncommon. Shim-pua marriage fell out of practice in the 1970s due to increased wealth from Taiwan's economic success making these arrangements unnecessary.

Unification Church Exchange Marriages

The vast majority of members' marriages were arranged by Rev. Sun Myung Moon personally. In recent years parents have been helping to arrange their children's choice of spouse and church leaders have been suggesting matches.

Many members considered it the ultimate test of their faith to accept a match arranged by Rev. Sun Myung Moon, and the church's increasingly large marriage blessings have attracted much notice. Many of the arranged marriages paired people from different countries, races and cultures. Moon teaches that such "exchange marriages" will help build connections among the divided human family, as people stretch their hearts to love spouse, in-laws and children. For participants, it is an expression of faith to entrust the choice of one's spouse to a parental figure through whom they believe God works.

Candidates for matching are educated, counseled, interviewed and screened by church elders. The application form includes a disclosure about past relationships, in the form of a confession, and a commitment to purity and living for the sake of others. After being matched, people consult with each other and decide whether to accept the match. The Church states that its members enter into arranged marriage as a free choice. While turning down a match is not encouraged, people have requested and obtained an alternate match.

Critics find it hard to imagine how people could marry strangers under the direction of the church leader. Some members consider the church and its practices poorly understood by outsiders.

Thousands of Unificationists have been matched by Rev. Sun Myung Moon, another church leader, or by their parents. It is understood that candidates for matching generally share the same views about the nature of love and the centrality of family. Generally, it is believed that wherever the person came from in the world, that person shares a great deal of common experience.

Each partner in a marriage can assist each other to overcome weak points of character. Marriage is viewed as a process of growing not only closer to each other but also growing in character and love for God (vertically) and others (horizontally). Marriage is viewed as the beginning of an adventure of joy as well as a rewarding challenge of learning to live for the sake of others.

It is believed that working out great differences in culture can set up a spiritual situation that helps resolve some of the history of conflict. One example of this could be a couple that has ancestors who fought against the home countries of each other in a past war. Perhaps parents of the couple hated or held resentment toward the citizens of their spouse’s country. When that couple has children, the grandparents tend to love those grandchildren regardless of their past experiences.

Exchange marriages contribute to a world of peace by transcending the barriers of race, culture, ethnicity and religion. When an international couple creates harmony between each other in spite of different nationalities, cultures, and/or religions, it helps prepare the way to do it on a global level. The marriages of Unificationists are dedicated consciously and from the beginning for the sake of world peace.

"Imagine two enemy families who have cursed each other throughout their lives, people who would never dream of living together. What would happen if these families joined together through an exchange Holy Marriage Blessing? A son from one family and a daughter from the other family become husband and wife, love each other and build a happy home. Would the parents in each family curse their own children? When their son loves this beautiful daughter of a hated enemy, and she as their daughter-in-law gives birth...the grandparents would smile with pleasure. In time the two lineages that were once soaked with enmity will be transformed." (Quoted from "God’s Ideal Family and the Kingdom of the Peaceful, Ideal World", by Rev. Sun Myung Moon in 2006)

Evaulations

The debate surrounds one main question: can an individual be trusted to make his or her own decision about choosing a mate, and if not, can the parents do a better job of it?

Compounding that, the debate depends on variables such as the closeness of the family, whether divorce is acceptable, and societal expectations which can vary greatly among and within cultures.

Critic's Views

The process of shidduchim is under a fair bit of criticism, mainly for being "unromantic". Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with a medical history or active disease, people from broken homes, orphans and people who have been out of touch with Judaism for a period of their lives. Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages. Opponents will note that there are times when the matchmakers select a potential spouse that serves their interests or the family's interests and not necessarily to the couple’s pleasure. (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990).

Adaptation difficulties: Brides face cultural, and linguistic barriers in their new countries and with their husbands. Some husbands are unfamiliar with their wives' culture, language, food preferences or religious practices.

Misrepresentation:

• Female brides enter a marriage solely to obtain a work permit, permanent residence or citizenship in a more desirable country.

• Men seek mail-order brides solely as a diversion or for sex with no intent of marriage, or no intent of forging a serious, caring relationship.

Sham marriage: The couple marries with knowledge that the marriage is solely for the purpose of obtaining legal status for the woman in the destination country. This is frequently arranged as a business transaction. This occurs more commonly with foreigners already in the country and not with mail order brides. Immigration (USCIS) can punish this with a $250,000 fine and five year prison sentence.

Stereotyping: Asian mail-order brides are frequently portrayed as submissive, obedient, loyal, soft-spoken, meek, devoted, cooperative, and family-oriented. Men and women from other regions are also frequently stereotyped.

Fraud:

• Like all kinds of Internet businesses, some marriage agencies operate entirely as a scheme to defraud male clients. [[1]]

• Just as in other marriages, women risk involvement with abusive partners or domestic slavery. Due to the nature of the mail-order bride relationship, there is a popular perception that mail-order brides may find themselves married to husbands who do not care for or respect them. It is difficult to find documentation of such claims. Three mail order brides have been murdered in the past 20 years compared to thousands of other American brides who have been murdered [[2]]. Because other brides vastly outnumber mail-order brides, of course, these statistics do not show that a mail-order bride is more or less likely to be abused or murdered than an American woman.

Personal Decisions: Opponents often believe that only individuals have the right to make decisions like this one, and that they will ultimately be happier making their own decisions. A major concern is that people will "find themselves stuck in marriages with persons decidedly not of their own choosing...whom they may find personally repulsive" (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990). In such a culture, the chemistry between the partners is a primary consideration.

Proponents' Views

Purpose of Marriage: Proponents of arranged marriage often feel that individuals can be too easily influenced by the effects of love to make a logical choice (Fox, 1975). In these societies, including China, the intragenerational relationship of the family is much more valued then the marital relationship. The whole purpose of the marriage is to have a family (Reaves, 1994). But, even if they do not love each other at first, a greater understanding between the two would develop, aided by their often similar social class, religious, political, and cultural backgrounds (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990). Proponents may also feel that marriages simply based on romance are doomed to failure due to the partners having unreasonable expectations of each other and with the relationship having little room for improvement (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990).

Trust in Parents: Furthermore, proponents believe that parents can be trusted to make a match that is in the best interests of their children. They hold that parents have much practical experience to draw from and not be misguided by emotions and hormones (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990). Love has been known to blind people to potential problems in the relationship such as the Arabic saying which states: "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra".

Marriage Effort and Support: It has been said that in some cultures where divorce is forbidden or uncommon, arranged marriage would work out nicely because both husband and wife would accept the marriage producing their best efforts to make it a success instead of breaking up in times of conflict. In addition to this, it is common for families to be involved in the relationship and therefore natural for the families to feel connected to the lives of the couple. This tends to create a web of support for the couple.

Different Backgrounds: In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. The parents may be happier and feel secure knowing that their son is to marry a person of their own country and/or culture even though they may settle in the more prosperous place. The networking available for families through the internet creates the resource for this to take place quite conveniently.

Couples from different cultures may be intrigued to learn about how they grew up differently. This situation can multiply outward to influence others to have a broader understanding of people.

Conclusion

The critics and proponents of arranged marriage agree that true love is the main component for a happy marriage and family. Spiritual and cultural backgrounds and practices play a large part in arranged marriages. While some critics like to see a couple get to know each other before the marriage, many proponents of arranged marriage accept this process to take place after the commitment of marriage.

Part of the difference in views stems from the basic motivation for the marriage in the first place such as this quote illustrates: “What method other than exchange marriage will empower Whites and Blacks, Jews and Muslims, Orientals and Westerners, and people of all races to live as one human family?” (Reverend Dr. Sun Myung Moon "God's Ideal Family - the Model for World Peace" September 12, 2005 - Lincoln Center, New York, New York)

The bottom line is that arranged marriages have existed since ancient times and have continued to be not only accepted but developed along with the technological advances of this era.

References

ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

• Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1568711328.

• Fox, Greer Litton. Love Match and Arranged Marriage in a Modernizing Nation: Mate Selection in Ankara Turkey. Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 37, No. 1 1975-02 pp. 180-193

• Reaves, Jo. NEWS: Marriage in China Not So Different than in the West. Asian Pages. St. Paul: May 31, 1994.Vol.4, Iss. 18; pg. 4

• Xu Xiaohe; Martin King Whyte. Love Matches and Arranged Marriages: A Chinese Replication Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 52, No. 3. (Aug., 1990), pp. 709-722.

External links

• End The Madness, support for singles who have suffered stigma in the shidduch process.
• The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
• Arranged Marriages? chabad.org
• Child Marriage - (Bal Vivaaha)
• Forced child marriage tests Pakistan law - BBC news
• The "Mail-order Bride" Industry and Its Impact on U.S. Immigration

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