Arranged marriage

In an arranged marriage, the marital partners are chosen by parents, community elders, matchmakers, or religious leaders in an effort to guide young people through the process of finding the right person to marry. Arranged marriages (also called exchange marriages) worldwide encompass a wide variety of procedures, cultural customs, length of courtship, as well as the practical and spiritual reasons for the matching of the marital partners. Generally, the matching is based on considerations other than pre-existing mutual attraction. Rev. Sun Myung Moon has revived the tradition of arranged marriage as a way to strengthen families of true love and thereby promote world peace.

Definitions

The term "arranged marriage" is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

Child marriage: The parents of a small child (even infants) arrange a future marriage with another child's parents. The children are betrothed or promised to each other. Often the two children never even meet each other until the wedding ceremony, when they are both of an acceptable marriageable age—which age differs based upon custom. In some cultures, the age is at or even before the onset of puberty. Many people who have been married in this way do grow to love and cherish their spouses after the marriage.

Exchange Marriage: This form of marriage involves a reciprocal exchange of spouses between two nations, groups, or tribes. For example, among the Australian Aborigines, the ideal model of any marriage contract is that two men of different groups should marry each other's sisters. International marriages are another example of exchange marriages.

Introduction only: The parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse that they found through a personal recommendation or a website. The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise (although premarital sex is usually frowned upon). The parents may try to influence the child's choice or generally pressure the child to choose someone soon.

Love-cum-arranged marriage is a matrimony between a mutually acceptable and consenting couple that has been facilitated by the couple’s parents. Etymological Note: Cum is Latin for “with" or “together with." (Quoted from Double-Tongued Word Wrester [1])

Mail Order: Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. A mail-order bride is selected by a man from a catalog of such women, sometimes with the assistance of a marriage agency. Mail-order husbands also exist through "reverse publications". Rather than waiting to be contacted, women can contact men directly from advertisements in publications. In this case, an arranged marriage may be beneficial because the man's parents can become aquainted the woman and her family to better ensure that she is not misrepresenting herself in order to simply immigrate to a wealthy country. Also, the woman's parents can learn about the man and his family to ensure that their daughter will be safe in a foreign country. [2]

Modern arranged marriage: The parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting such as an hour long walk around the neighborhood. The children will then choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice.

Modern arranged marriage with courtship: As in the modern arranged marriage, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision.

World Wide Web Services: For more information on matching and online services, see Matchmaker.

Practice in Various Cultures

Indian Subcontinent

In traditional Hindu society, the caste system doesn’t allow males and females to mix freely so young people rely on arranged marriages by their parents to find their spouse. Educational and economic backgrounds are taken into consideration by the parents. In today’s India, the caste system is not as rigid. It is possible to marry outside of the sub-caste, one’s own language, or province as long as it’s still within the same caste. Age and dowry are important aspects of the matching. The preferences of the couple are taken into account now with modern arranged marriages.

Since marriage is considered a marriage of the families rather than just the individuals, the process involved in an arranged marriage can be different depending on the communities and families. Generally it involves a search for a match, exchange of information and background checks, determining the marriage logistics (dowry, house, wedding expenses etc.), arrangement acceptance, and the beginning of an engagement period. [3]

"Watta satta" is a tribal custom in Pakistan to exchange brides between two clans. In order for you to marry your son, you must also have a daughter to marry in return. If there is no sister to exchange in return for a son's spouse, a cousin, or a distant relative can be matched. [4]

Another custom in tribal regions and rural areas of Pakistan is "Pait Likkhi." ("Pait" means stomach and "Likkhi" means written). This involves two families agreeing to marry their children before they are born or are still very young. The actual marriage takes place when groom and and bride are in their late teens or adults. All villagers stress that these marriage customs are Muslim and the rights and obligations of husband and wife follow Sharia, Islamic religious laws.

Unfortunately, some of the arranged marriages practices in Pakistan don't actually abide by Islamic religious laws. For instance, "Vani" is a child marriage custom in tribal areas. The young bride may spend her life paying for the crime of her male relatives. "Swara" is a child marriage custom tied to blood feuds among the different tribes and clans where the young girls are forcibly married to the members of different clans in order to resolve the feuds. The law in Pakistan prohibits women from marrying without parental consent. This is based on Islamic teachings in the Koran that require fathers to protect their daughters. This obligation has been interpreted as advocating arranged marriages. Specifically, it is seen as a father's duty to find suitable husbands for his daughters. However, he should not force them into unwanted marriages. [5]

Oriental Culture

Even though arranged marriages were once the norm in Chinese society, it is the common practice now for people to choose their own spouse. However, after the couple decides to marry, the parents, or older relatives, take over all the arrangements observing traditional customs. In Chinese culture, a marriage is not just between two people, but an establishing of a relationship between two families as well. The groom's parents investigate the reputation and lineage of the bride’s family. A meeting will take place for the families to meet, usually with the bride and groom present. The bride’s family will take this opportunity to ask about the status and wealth of the groom’s family as well as ensure their daughter will be treated well. If the parents are not happy about the background of the other family, a wedding will not occur. If both families accept the match, the traditions of negotiating the wedding and engagement continue according to their customs. [[6]]

Shim-pua marriage (Taiwanese: sin-pū-á, sim-pū-á) was a Taiwanese tradition of arranged marriage, where a poor family, burdened by too many children, would sell a young daughter to a richer family for labor, and in exchange, the poorer family would be married into the richer family, through the daughter. The girl acted both as an adopted daughter to be married with a young male member of the adopted family in the future and free labor. Shim-pua marriage fell out of practice in the 1970s due to increased wealth from Taiwan's economic success making these arrangements unnecessary.

In modern Japan, it is estimated that 30% of all marriages are the more traditional arranged marriages called "omiai". Those seeking an arranged marriage enlist the help of a "nakodo". After being matched, the couple meets and decides if they feel suitable for each other. The parents are usually present at the first meeting. The couple continues to meet socially over a period of time before deciding to marry. [7]

In Korea, traditionally, the primary emphasis for marriages was on lineage and prosperity of the family. The decline or fall of the husband's family was greatly affected by the marriage so marriage between different social classes was rare (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.622). A matchmaker would relay information about the social and economic status as well as other factors such as virginity to the family of the couple. Often these agreements for the future wedding were made when the participants were very young. Arranged marriages are rare today except in rural areas (Hakwon-sa Ltd. 1963, p.628). According to the Korean Overseas Information Service of 1987, page 241, there are two basic paths to mate selection. One is the traditional way of the past where the couple did not meet one another until the wedding. Today's method still involves a matchmaker but the couple makes the final decision for marriage. This process, called "chungmae", allows the couple to meet but several traditional procedures are followed, [8]

Marriage in Islam

Among Muslims, an arranged marriage can refer to a marriage where husband and wife got acquainted during meetings initially arranged by their parents with the stated intention of finding a spouse. This process usually starts by the family asking questions about the personality, beauty, family, education, and finances of a potential partner. After finding someone that appears to be compatible, they make a recommendation for the couple to begin meeting. Islam prohibits unmarried, unrelated men and women being alone together and physical relationships are not part of the meetings. The couple makes the decision whether to accept the marriage or not since Islam prohibits marrying anyone against his or her will.

Marriage in Judaism

Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכי׿) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.

The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbor" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, based on the understanding that such a marriage is likely to be doomed without love.

In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and only follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, such as on his/her character and level of religious observance.

A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadkhan or "matchmaker"). A professional shadkhan often charges a fee for his/her services.

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether there will be an engagement or not.

Unification Church Exchange Marriages

The vast majority of members have asked Rev. Sun Myung Moon to choose their spouse because they believe he is a man of God who is able to connect to God directly and is able to recognize the best spouse for each person. Members believe God is the best matchmaker! Marriage is viewed as a process of growing not only closer to each other but also growing in character and love for God (vertically) and others (horizontally). Each partner in a marriage can assist each other to overcome weak points of character. Marriage is viewed as the beginning of an adventure of joy as well as a rewarding challenge of learning to live for the sake of others.

Many members participate in "exchange marriages". It is believed that working out great differences in culture can set up a spiritual situation that helps resolve some of the history of conflict. One example of this could be a couple that has ancestors who fought against the home countries of each other in a past war. Perhaps parents of the couple hated or held resentment toward the citizens of their spouse’s country. When that couple has children, the grandparents tend to love those grandchildren regardless of their past experiences.

Exchange marriages contribute to a world of peace by transcending the barriers of race, culture, ethnicity and religion. When an international couple creates harmony between each other in spite of different nationalities, cultures, and/or religions, it helps prepare the way to do it on a global level. The marriages of Unificationists are dedicated consciously and from the beginning for the sake of world peace.

"Imagine two enemy families who have cursed each other throughout their lives, people who would never dream of living together. What would happen if these families joined together through an exchange Holy Marriage Blessing? A son from one family and a daughter from the other family become husband and wife, love each other and build a happy home. Would the parents in each family curse their own children? When their son loves this beautiful daughter of a hated enemy, and she as their daughter-in-law gives birth...the grandparents would smile with pleasure. In time the two lineages that were once soaked with enmity will be transformed." (Sun Myung Moon)

In recent years parents have been helping to arrange their children's choice of spouse and church leaders have been suggesting matches. It is understood that candidates for matching generally share the same views about the nature of love and the centrality of family. Generally, it is believed that wherever the person came from in the world, that person shares a great deal of common experience.

Evaluations

The debate surrounds one main question: can an individual be trusted to make his or her own decision about choosing a mate, and if not, can the parents do a better job of it?

Compounding that, the debate depends on variables such as the closeness of the family and societal expectations which can vary greatly among and within cultures.

Critic's Views

Critics are concerned about a person's ability to adapt to another person from a different background especially if the spouses haven't had a chance to spend time together before their marriage. Brides face cultural, and linguistic barriers in their new countries and with their husbands. Some husbands are unfamiliar with their wives' culture, language, food preferences or religious practices.

Another problem that critics could mention is that fact that some parents or matchmakers may have stereotyped ideas and the spouses and/or families may be disappointed. For example: Asian brides are frequently portrayed as submissive, obedient, loyal, soft-spoken, meek, devoted, cooperative, and family-oriented.

Opponents often believe that only individuals have the right to make decisions like this one, and that they will ultimately be happier making their own decisions.(Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990). In such a culture, the chemistry between the partners is a primary consideration.

Proponents' Views

Proponents of arranged marriage often feel that individuals can be too easily influenced by the effects of love to make a logical choice (Fox, 1975). In these societies, including China, the intragenerational relationship of the family is much more valued then the marital relationship. The whole purpose of the marriage is to have a family (Reaves, 1994). Religious couples believe their marriage centers on God and through that connection, true love will emerge between them. If their spouse is introduced to them by their parents or religious leaders, the couple can make the first step toward centering their marriage on a higher purpose rather than their own individual desires.

Furthermore, proponents believe that parents can be trusted to make a match that is in the best interests of their children. They hold that parents have much practical experience to draw from and not be misguided by emotions and hormones (Xiaohe & Whyte, 1990). Love has been known to blind people to potential problems in the relationship such as the Arabic saying which states: "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". In addition to this, it is common for families to be involved in the relationship and therefore natural for the families to feel connected to the lives of the couple. This tends to create a web of support for the couple.

Couples from different cultures may be intrigued to learn about how they grew up differently. This situation can multiply outward to influence others to have a broader understanding of people.

Conclusion

The critics and proponents of arranged marriage agree that true love is the main component for a happy marriage and family. Spiritual and cultural backgrounds and practices play a large part in arranged marriages. While some critics like to see a couple spend more time together before the marriage in order to understand each other's character and personality, many proponents of arranged marriage accept this process to take place after the commitment of marriage.

Part of the difference in views stems from the basic motivation for the marriage in the first place such as this quote illustrates: “What method other than exchange marriage will empower Whites and Blacks, Jews and Muslims, Orientals and Westerners, and people of all races to live as one human family?" (Sun Myung Moon) However, marrying the son or daughter of your enemy does not always bring reconciliation. For instance, some exchange marriages in Pakistan take place in order for the parent to "pay" for a crime (such as murder) and the daughter of the criminal spends her life suffering at the mercy of the resentful family. The key to overcoming past resentments or feuds is the whole purpose desire of the couple and their relationship to God.

Arranged marriages have existed since ancient times and have continued to be not only accepted but developed along with the technological advances of this era. When the relationship between two people is based on self-centered desires, any kind of marriage is doomed to produce difficulties. In the same way, when a couple centers their love on a higher purpose and strives to live for the sake of others, including their spouse, obstacles can be overcome naturally and such a couple can find happiness not only for themselves but for their family, society, nation, and world.

References
ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1568711328.

Fox, Greer Litton. Love Match and Arranged Marriage in a Modernizing Nation: Mate Selection in Ankara Turkey. Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 37, No. 1 1975-02 pp. 180-193

Reaves, Jo. NEWS: Marriage in China Not So Different than in the West. Asian Pages. St. Paul: May 31, 1994.Vol.4, Iss. 18; pg. 4

Xu Xiaohe; Martin King Whyte. Love Matches and Arranged Marriages: A Chinese Replication Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 52, No. 3. (Aug., 1990), pp. 709-722.

"God’s Ideal Family and the Kingdom of the Peaceful, Ideal World", by Rev. Sun Myung Moon in 2006

"God's Ideal Family - the Model for World Peace" by Rev. Sun Myung Moon, September 12, 2005, Lincoln Center, New York, New York

External links

1. Double-Tongued Word Wrester

2. The "Mail-order Bride" Industry and Its Impact on U.S. Immigration

3. Indian Arranged Marriages

4. Watta Satta: Exchange Marriage and Women’s Welfare in Rural Pakistan

5. SEX AND MARRIAGE:An Introduction to The Cultural Rules Regulating Sexual Access and Marriage

6. Chinatown Online, Marriage customs and preparation

7. Getting Married in Japan

8. Mate Sellection and Marriage in Korea

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