Difference between revisions of "Love" - New World Encyclopedia

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[[Category:Politics and social sciences]]
 
[[Category:Philosophy and religion]]
 
  
 
[[Image:Francesco Hayez 008.jpg|thumb|200 px|''The Kiss'' by [[Francesco Hayez]], 1859]]
 
[[Image:Francesco Hayez 008.jpg|thumb|200 px|''The Kiss'' by [[Francesco Hayez]], 1859]]
'''Love''' is any of a number of [[emotion]]s and [[experience]]s related to a sense of strong [[affection]] or profound [[oneness (concept)|oneness]]. Depending on context, ''love'' can have a wide variety of intended meanings. [[Romantic love]] is seen as a deep, [[ineffability|ineffable]] [[feeling]] of intense and tender attraction shared in passionate or intimate [[interpersonal attraction|attraction]] and [[intimacy|intimate]] [[interpersonal relationship|interpersonal]] and [[human sexuality|sexual]] relationships. Love can also be conceived of as [[Platonic love]], [[familial love]], and, more casually, great affection for anything considered strongly pleasurable, desirable, or preferred, including activities and foods.  
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Popularly, '''Love''' is any of a number of [[emotion]]s and [[experience]]s related to a sense of strong [[affection]] or profound [[oneness (concept)|oneness]]. Depending on context, love can have a wide variety of intended meanings, including [[human sexuality|sexual attraction]]. Psychologists and religious teachings, however, define love more precisely, as living for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being.  
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The [[ancient Greece|ancient Greeks]] described love with a number of different words: ''Eros'' was impassioned, [[romance|romantic]] attraction; ''philia'' was [[friendship]]; ''xenia'' was kindness to the guest or stranger. ''[[Agape]]'' love, which the Greeks defined as unconditional giving, became the keystone of [[Christianity]], where it is exemplified in [[Christ]]'s sacrificial love on the cross. Some notion of transcendental love is a salient feature of all the world's faiths. "Compassion" ''(karuna)'' in [[Buddhism]] is similar to agape love; it is represented by the [[bodhisattva]], who vows not to enter [[Nirvana]] until he has saved all beings. Yet love encompasses all these dimensions, ''eros'' as well as ''agape.''
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Perhaps the best context in which to develop such love is the [[family]], where the love that is given and received is of various kinds. Closest to ''agape'' love is the sacrifice and investment that [[parent]]s willingly give on behalf of their [[child]]ren. Children, in turn, offer their parents [[filial piety|filial]] devotion and respect that grows more profound with the passing years. Siblings care for and help one another in various ways. The love between spouses is a world in itself. Grandparents bear a profound regard for their grandchildren. All of these types of love have their distinctive features.
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{{toc}}
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Love is universally desired, but love can be fraught with infidelity, deceit, possessiveness, unrealistic expectations, jealousy, and hate. Love, in fact, is at the root of much pain and [[conflict]] in the world. Marriages break down when the passion of romance cools. Religions like [[Buddhism]] and [[Roman Catholicism]] regard family love as incompatible with the higher life. Nevertheless, people still long for "true love," love that never fails. Psychologists and [[character education|character educators]] hold that much of the heartbreak of failed love could be avoided by education about the nature of love, and by cultivating the self to be able to love well.
  
 
==Definitions==
 
==Definitions==
The definition of '''love''' is the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection. Some tackle the difficulty of finding a universal definition for love by classifying it into types, such as passionate love, romantic love, and committed love. However, some of these types of love can be generalized into the category of sexual attraction.
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Love is notoriously difficult to define. This is partly a difficulty of the English language, which uses the word "love" to cover such a wide variety of things. That is why English borrows heavily from[[ancient Greece|ancient Greek]], which employed different terms to characterize different types of affectionate human relationships: ''Eros'' for passionate romantic relationships; ''philia'' for [[friendship]]; ''xenia'' for kindness to guests or stranger; and ''[[agape]]'' for unconditional, sacrificial giving, regardless of any return.  
 
 
In ordinary use, "love" usually refers to interpersonal love, an experience felt by a person for another person. Love often involves caring for or identifying with a person or thing, including oneself (compare with [[narcissism]]). Dictionaries tend to define "love" as deep affection or fondness.<ref name="oxford">''Oxford Illustrated American Dictionary'' (1998) + ''Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary'' (2000).</ref> In colloquial use, the most favored definitions of "love" involve [[altruism]], selflessness, friendship, union, family, and bonding or connecting with another.<ref>[http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/RP2-Love.html '04 Poll of 250 Chicagoans] – Institute of Human Thermodynamics (Chicago) Retrieved August 14, 2007.</ref>
 
  
The different aspects of love can be illustrated by comparing their corollaries and opposites. As a general expression of positive sentiment (a stronger form of "like"), love is commonly contrasted with [[hate]] (or with neutral [[apathy]]); as a less sexual and more mutual and "pure" form of romantic attachment, love is commonly contrasted with [[lust]]; and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, love is commonly contrasted with [[friendship]], although other connotations of love may be applied to close friendships as well.
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In East Asia, love is expressed through the so-called "Five Relationships:" between parent and child, between husband and wife, between siblings, between friends, and between a ruler and his subjects. This way of thinking suggests that love is manifested differently in different social and interpersonal contexts. Furthermore, even within one of these contexts—sexual love—love can take on different qualities, such as infatuation, romantic love, and committed love.  
  
The very existence of love is sometimes subject to debate. Some categorically reject the notion as false or meaningless. Others call it a recently-invented [[abstraction]], sometimes dating the "invention" to courtly Europe during or after the [[Middle Ages]]. Others maintain that love really exists, and is not an abstraction, but is undefinable, being essentially [[spirituality|spiritual]] or [[metaphysics|metaphysical]] in nature. Some [[psychologist]]s suggest that love is the action of lending one's "boundary" or "[[self-esteem]]" to another.  
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In striving for an accurate definition of love, one can begin by comparing its opposites. As an expression of unique regard, commitment, and special intimacy, "love" is commonly contrasted with "like;" as a romantic relationship that is not primarily sexual but includes commitment and care, "love" is commonly contrasted with "[[lust]];" and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, "love" is commonly contrasted with [[friendship]].
  
Love is a set of paradoxes: It is the most [[altruism|altruistic]] and the most selfish of human emotions; the most spiritual and the most physical; the most natural and the most irrational; the source of our deepest pleasures and our deepest agonies.
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Philosophers have long sought to define love. The Greek philosopher [[Empedocles]] (fourth century B.C.E.) argued that all motion in the universe was caused by the interplay of two forces: Love ''(philia)'' and strife ''(neikos)''. These two forces were said to intermingle with the [[classical element]]s—earth, water, air, and fire—with love serving as the binding power that links the various parts of existence harmoniously together. Most philosophers have recognized though that the essential quality of love is that it focuses on the other, not on the self. [[Thomas Jay Oord]] defined love as acting intentionally, in sympathetic response to others (including God), to promote overall well-being. [[Bertrand Russell]] described love as a condition of [[absolute value]], as opposed to relative value.  
  
==Contexts of love==
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Psychologists warn against a common misconception about love: To construe love as a feeling. According to [[Erich Fromm]] and M. Scott Peck, the popular usage of the word "love" to mean a fondness or affection felt by one person for another inevitably leads to disappointment, as feelings are fickle and affection can fade. They advocate the view that love is other-centered activity. In his classic, ''The Art of Loving,'' Fromm considers love to be an interpersonal and [[creativity|creative]] capacity of humans rather than an [[emotion]]. The key elements of love are "care, responsibility, respect," and "knowledge." Fromm argued that the common idea of "falling in love" was evidence of people's misunderstanding of the concept of love, as the [[narcissism]] and mistreatment of the object of such attention which often ensues are hardly creative. Fromm also stated that most people do not truly respect the autonomy of their partner, and are largely unaware of their partner's wants and needs. Genuine love involves concern for the other and the desire to satisfy their needs rather than one's own.<ref> Erich Fromm, ''The Art of Loving'' (Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006). ISBN 0061129739</ref> M. Scott Peck, in ''The Road Less Traveled,'' likewise taught that love is an activity or investment rather than a [[feeling]]. Peck even argues that romantic love is a destructive [[myth]], leading to unhealthy dependency. He differentiates between love and instinctive attractions, such as to the opposite sex or to babies. The feelings of affection that these instincts generate are not love, Peck argues; however he admits that a certain amount of affection and romance is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love.<ref>Scott Peck, ''The Road Less Traveled'' (Simon & Schuster, 1978). ISBN 0-671-25067-1</ref>
Love is to be found in a variety of contexts. Filial love, romantic love, sexual love, [[friendship]], [[compassion]], love of [[self]], love of [[God]] — these are all so different from each other as to have virtually nothing in common. We call them all "love," and somehow understand that they are all the same thing, but without understanding why.
 
  
===God's Love===
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An active definition of love fits best with popular understandings: In a poll of Chicago residents, the most favored definitions of "love" involve [[altruism]], selflessness, friendship, union, family, and an enduring bond to another human being.<ref>Institute of Human Thermodynamics, [http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/RP2-Love.html '04 Poll of 250 Chicagoans.] Retrieved August 14, 2007.</ref> Thus, a good working definition of love is "to live for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being."
[[God]]'s love is thought to be all-encompassing. Philosophers and theologians have debated the form God's love takes. Some argue that God is infinite in all of his attributes, love being one of them. [[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] argued that God's goodness necessarily overflows into creation. This could also be considered a form of God's love. Many consider themselves in a deep, personal relationship with God in which they are direct recipients of God's love and blessings. This is very common in [[evangelical]] churches.
 
  
Many take the passage "God is love" from 1 John 4:8 at its most literal, believing God to be the embodiment of the concept of love and that God is made manifest in the world in the form of love. This belief is not exclusive to those of Christian upbringing, but is held by many across a number of religions and is supported by holy texts in each. The Buddhist Gandavyuha Sutra says, "The Great Compassionate Heart is the essence of Buddhahood" and "To love is to know Me/ My innermost nature/ The truth that I am" comes from the Hindu Bhagavad Gita (18.55).
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==Contexts of Love==
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Love is to be found in a variety of contexts. Conjugal love, parental love, [[friendship]], [[compassion]], love of [[self]], love of country, love of [[God]]—"love" or its opposites can be found in all the diverse contexts for human relationships. This article's definition—to live for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being—describes behaviors and attitudes that span all these contexts.
  
 
===Family love===
 
===Family love===
 
[[Image:Grandma's Favorite.jpg|thumb|left|200 px|''Grandma's Favorite,'' by Georgios Iakovidis, 1893.]]
 
[[Image:Grandma's Favorite.jpg|thumb|left|200 px|''Grandma's Favorite,'' by Georgios Iakovidis, 1893.]]
The [[family]] is where most people are introduced to the experience of love. Family love takes different forms including conjugal love between spouses, parental love for children, children's love for their parents, and sibling relationships. Conjugal love is the natural union between spouses and is the sign of a healthy romantic relationship. This is where the [[human sexuality|sexual]] expression of love finds its natural place, blossoming and bearing fruit.
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The [[family]] is where most people are introduced to the experience of love. Family love takes different forms, including conjugal love between spouses, parental love for children, children's love for their parents, and sibling relationships.  
  
A parent's love for their child is natural, but may be severely tested throughout the course of the relationship between parents and children. Unless parents are mature enough to give unconditional love to their children, tensions and even [[conflict]]s develop. Indeed, many families are unfortunately estranged from one another. Early in life, children often do not appreciate the role parents have played in providing support emotionally and materially. [[Aristotle]] wrote that it is impossible for children to ever pay off the debt created by their parents raising them.  
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Children respond to their parents' caring by strongly bonding to their parents; from this early relationship they develop trust, empathy with others, and a sense of self-worth. Children's love includes feelings of respect and admiration for their parents, and is expressed by obedience and the desire to please their parents. Adult children will care for their aged parents and work to complete their parents' unfinished tasks and dreams. In Asia this type of love is called [[filial piety]]; yet it is fairly universal.  
  
The love felt between partners, for children, and by children can all be extended to grandparents who play an important part in the family dynamic of many cultures. Relationships between siblings are often tenuous. [[sibling rivalry|Sibling rivalries]] sometimes create insurmountable obstacles between siblings. Jealousy is often the cause of such strife. On the other hand, sibling relationships can also offer a tremendous source of support as they are usually close in age and can act as each other's friends and confidants.
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The opposite of a filial child is a spoiled child, who thinks and acts as though the universe revolves around him; this can be a problem especially in only children. Having siblings helps children shed self-centeredness and learn to share, to give, and to forgive. Parents can help older children become more other-centered by including them in the care of the new baby, activating altruism and rewarding it with praise. Like [[mentor]]ing relationships in school, sibling love often respects the asymmetry in age between the children, establishing complementary roles between elder and younger siblings. Siblings can be a tremendous source of support, as they are usually close in age and can act as each other's friends and confidants. On the other hand, [[sibling rivalry|sibling rivalries]] sometimes create serious strife between siblings. Parents can often do much to ameliorate sibling rivalries by showing unconditional regard for all their children.
  
===Self-love===
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Conjugal love is the natural union between spouses and is the sign of a healthy marriage. This is one area where the [[human sexuality|sexual]] expression of love finds its natural place, blossoming and bearing fruit.  
Self-love can be both a blessing and a curse. Confident people do better in life and are generally happier as a result (or vice versa). Self-love helps people deal with the everyday problems in life rather than dwelling on negatives.  
 
  
Although often beneficial, confidence can be the source of interpersonal trouble for some. Many people find over-confidence or [[narcissism]] abrasive. Self-love without reason can lead to harmful delusions that do not prepare people to realistically deal with life.
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Parents' love for their children naturally calls forth investment and sacrifice. This love may be tested as the children grow into adolescents with their own needs, distinctive personalities, and divergent values. Tensions may develop, unless the parents are mature enough to give unconditional love to their children. Early in life, children often do not appreciate the role parents have played in providing support emotionally and materially. This is something the adult child realizes, making for strong bonds of gratitude and obligation in later life. [[Aristotle]] wrote that it is impossible for children to ever pay off the debt owed to their parents for raising them.  
  
Yet, without being able to love oneself, relationships of love with others are often difficult, since it is hard to love others while hating oneself, and even harder to receive love when feeling unworthy.  
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Grandparents have an innate need to give from their storehouse of knowledge and experience to enrich the younger generation. Opportunities to love grandchildren provide elders with "a higher sense of self."<ref>Eric H. Erikson, Joan M. Erikson, and Hellen Kivnick, ''Vital Involvement in Old Age: the Experience of Old Age in Our Time (New York: Norton, 1986), p. 53.</ref> As they watch their grown children shoulder the responsibility of parenthood, most are moved to help as much as they can. They give joyfully and share of their wisdom, knowing that their legacy will live on.
  
 
===Friendship===
 
===Friendship===
[[Friendship]] is a close relationship between people. This type of love provides a great support system for those involved. Friends often share interests, backgrounds, or jobs. Friends can act as sources of fun, advice, adventure, monetary support, and [[self-esteem]]. Such relationships are usually based on mutual respect and enjoyment, and do not have a sexual component.  
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[[Friendship]] is a close relationship between people. This type of love provides a great support system for those involved. Friends often share interests, backgrounds, or occupations. Friends can act as sources of fun, advice, adventure, monetary support, and [[self-esteem]]. Such relationships are usually based on mutual respect and enjoyment, and do not have a sexual component.  
  
===All things===
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Like sibling relationships, friendships offer opportunities to build skills in problem-solving, social communication, cooperation in groups, and conflict resolution. They are forerunners to adult relationships in the workplace and prepare young people for marriage—the "passionate friendship." According to psychologist Willard Hartrup:
The ability to love and care for all things is an essentially [[human]] quality. People often develop strong [[emotion]]al attachments to pet [[animal]]s, who may reciprocate with [[loyalty]] and dependent appreciation. As the highest form of [[life]] on our [[planet]], human beings are in a special position to care for all things as loving [[stewardship|steward]]s.  
 
  
Unfortunately, through our ignorance and selfish misuse of resources, we have failed in this responsibility, leading to the [[suffering]] of all things and numerous environmental problems. As people seek solutions to these issues, we are learning how to love the earth, all its wondrous features ([[mountain]]s, [[river]]s, [[ocean]]s, [[tree]]s, [[volcano]]s, and so on), and all its living creatures.
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<blockquote>Peer relations contribute substantially to both social and cognitive development and to the effectiveness with which we function as adults. Indeed, the single best childhood predictor of adult adaptation is not school grades, and not classroom behavior, but rather the adequacy with which the child gets along with other children. Children who… cannot establish a place for themselves in the peer culture are seriously at risk.<ref>Williard W. Hartup, “Having Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends: Relationships as Educational Contexts,” ERIC Digest, (The Educational Resources Information Center, University of Minnesota’s Center for Early Education and Development, 1992), p. 1.</ref></blockquote>
  
===Humankind===
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===Love in community===
Man's love of his fellow man is a controversial idea. There are competing schools of thought as to whether or not human beings naturally live in love or [[war]] with one another. [[Thomas Hobbes]], [[Niccolo Machiavelli]], and [[Karl Marx]] are among those philosophers who believed there to be a constant [[conflict]] between men. This school of thought argues that [[social contract]]s and force are necessary to maintain [[society]], and claim that [[altruism]] is unnatural. Other philosophers, such as [[Thomas Locke]] and [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], believed man to be inherently peaceful (although Rousseau posited that advanced society ruined this idyllic nature).
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Love is also needed in the larger spheres of life beyond family and friends. Community involvement takes many forms, including helping neighbors in need, joining in service activities, watching out for criminal activity, volunteering for duties in local government bodies, helping with disaster relief, and charitable giving. Such ways of love in community increase one's sense of self-worth and widen one's circle of adult friends.  
  
Sacrificial love occurs when one person loves another person or group of people so much that they are willing to sacrifice themselves for that person or group. [[Jesus Christ]] is an example of such love. A [[martyr]]s acts from this sacrificial love, willing to give up their life for the sake of what they believe to be the greater good for humankind.
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[[Patriotism]] at its best is expressed in voluntary sacrifice when one's country is under threat. Traditionally regarded as a virtue, it expresses solidarity with one's fellow-citizens and gratitude for the many benefits gained from one's country, its history, and the ideals it represents. In the modern world where [[nationalism]] is criticized for its partiality, people are coming to see themselves as members of a single global community and are expressing their global patriotism by volunteering for international service—for example, the American [[Peace Corps]], supporting [[Non-Governmental Organizations]] that serve the needs of the developing world, and charitable giving to help refugees and the victims of war and disaster throughout the world.
  
==Cultural views==
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Rootedness in a loving family is an important foundation for love in community. Relationships in the family impart internal working models for relationships in the community. Studies of unusual altruism—people who rescued Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe, for example--indicate that the rescuers had warm relationships with their parents, thus increasing their empathy for others.<ref>Samuel P. and Pearl M. Oliner, ''The Altruistic Personality: Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe'' (New York: Free Press, 1988), p. 171.</ref> Children whose parents are of different races or religions are raised to practice tolerance and accept differences. Children who have warm, caring relationships with their parents and grandparents are more likely to be considerate to elderly people in general.
[[Image:Love-zh.png|180px|thumb|The traditional [[Chinese character]] for love (愛) consists of a [[heart]] (, in the middle) inside of "accept," "feel," or "perceive," which shows a graceful emotion.]]
 
  
Although there exist numerous cross-cultural unified similarities as to the nature and definition of love, such as a thread of commitment, tenderness, and passion common to all human existence, there are also differences. Some examples that have influenced modern societies, from both oriental and western cultures, follow.
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On the other hand, the negative social effects of [[family breakdown]] have been well documented.<ref>Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, ''The Case for Marriage'' (New York:
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Doubleday, 2000).</ref> Children of broken families are more likely to grow up to be prone to criminality, violence, and substance abuse. Crime rates have been shown to correlate with divorce and single parenting. Family life helps channel male aggressiveness into the constructive roles of responsible fatherhood. Family dysfunction, on the other hand, leaves mental and emotional scars which can impair relationships with co-workers, neighbors, and authority. The worst sociopaths—[[Adolf Hitler]] among them—were brutally abused as children.
  
===Chinese===
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===Love of the natural world===
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The ability to love and care for nature is an essentially [[human]] quality. People often develop strong [[emotion]]al attachments to [[pets]], who may reciprocate with [[loyalty]] and dependent appreciation. As the highest form of [[life]] on earth, human beings are in a special position to care for all things as loving [[stewardship|steward]]s. Love for nature is encouraged by a sense of dependence and indebtedness to the earth, and [[gratitude]] for its provision, which sustains life and health. The natural world inspires us with its beauty and mystery—the poet William Blake wrote of seeing “a world in a grain of sand, And a heaven in a wild flower.”<ref>William Blake, “Auguries of Innocence,” from ''Poems'' (1863).</ref> Urban life far removed from nature impoverishes the emotions, or as the Lakota express it, “When a man moves away from nature his heart becomes hard.” This principle has been put to use in prison programs that rehabilitate inmates through involvement in gardening.<ref>“Catherine Sneed,” ''Giraffe Project Hero,'' [http://www.giraffe.org Giraffe Heroes Project] Retrieved September 9, 2007.</ref>
  
Chinese has several terms that can be translated as forms of love.  
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[[Hunting]], [[fishing]], and other sporting activities in nature promote the love of nature, and sportsmen often have a strong desire to preserve it unspoiled for subsequent generations. Thus it was the great sportsman [[Theodore Roosevelt]] who established the U.S. [[National Parks]] system. The solution to environmental problems begins by learning how to love the earth, all its wondrous features—[[mountain]]s, [[river]]s, [[ocean]]s, [[tree]]s, and so on—and all its living creatures.
  
''Ai'' (愛) is used as a verb "to love," or as a noun, especially in ''aiqing'' (愛情), "love" or "romance." In [[mainland China]] since 1949, ''[[airen]]'' (愛人), originally "lover," or more literally, "love person") became the dominant word for "spouse.".
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Love of the things of the wider world begins with one's home environment and the things one uses: The house and yard, the car, and the spaces in which people live. Daily chores, cleaning, and repairing the things people use, is a way of loving those things. The environment responds to this love; there are numerous anecdotes, for example, about how an owner who loves his automobile can coax even a broken vehicle to run. A clean house and a well-running automobile add comfort and joy to life.
  
''[[Lian]]'' (戀) is not generally used alone, but instead as part of such terms as "being in love" (談戀愛, ''tan lian'ai''—also containing ''ai'') or "lover" (戀人, ''lianren'').
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===Love in work===
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"Work is your love made visible," said the poet [[Kahlil Gibran]]. The challenges of work can be an opportunity to express love, by appreciating one's given task from a transcendent perspective as one's small part in creating the great Universe. [[Martin Luther King, Jr.]] once remarked:
  
In [[Confucianism]], ''[[lian]]'' is a virtuous benevolent love. Lian should be pursued by all human beings, and reflects a moral life. The Chinese philosopher [[Mozi]] developed the concept of ''ai'' (愛) in reaction to Confucian ''lian''. ''Ai'', in [[Mohism]], is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, without regard to reciprocation. Extravagance and offensive war are inimical to ''ai''. Although Mozi's thought was influential, the Confucian ''lian'' is how most Chinese conceive of love.
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<blockquote>Even if it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, go out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures; sweep streets like Handel and Beethoven composed music; sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry; sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, "Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well."<ref>Martin Luther King, Jr., [http://www.abettertoday.com/three_dimensions_of_a_complete_l.htm “The Three Dimensions of a Complete Life,”] delivered at New Covenant Baptist Church, Chicago, Illinois, April 9, 1967. Retrieved October 8, 2007.</ref></blockquote>
  
''Zaolian'' ([[Simplified Chinese|Simplified]]: 早恋, [[Traditional Chinese|Traditional]]: 早戀, [[pinyin]]: ''zǎoliàn''), "[[puppy love]]" or literally "early love," is a contemporary term in frequent use for romantic feelings or attachments among children or adolescents. ''Zaolian'' describes both relationships among a teenage boyfriend and girlfriend, as well as the "[[crush]]es" of early adolescence or childhood. The concept essentially indicates a prevalent belief in contemporary Chinese culture that due to the demands of their studies (especially true in the highly competitive educational system of China), youth should not form romantic attachments lest they jeopardize their chances for success in the future. Reports have appeared in Chinese newspapers and other media detailing the prevalence of the phenomenon and its perceived dangers to students and the fears of parents.
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A day of hard work ends with refreshment, relaxation, and peace, all the sweeter if a person has given his or her all to the work of the day. The rewards of work include pride in a job well done, camaraderie with co-workers, respect, learning, gratitude from those for whom the work is performed, expressed in both monetary and non-monetary terms. Work performed with love thus elevates the worker in innumerable ways.
  
''Qing'' (), commonly meaning "feeling" or "emotion," often indicates "love" in several terms. It is contained in the word ''aiqing'' (愛情); ''qingren'' (情人) is a term for "lover.
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===God's love===
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[[God]]'s love is widely seen as his benevolence, mercy, and care upon human beings. This belief is not exclusive to those of [[Christian]] upbringing, but is held by people across all religions and is supported by holy texts in each. In [[Islam]], the Qur'an describes God as "the Merciful, the Compassionate." The Jewish psalms praise God for his "loving-kindness" ''(chesed)'', by which he has preserved and guided his people throughout history. The Buddhist Gandavyuha Sutra says, "The Great Compassionate Heart is the essence of Buddhahood." The [[Christianity|Christian]] Bible states, "God is love" (1 John 4:8). God's love is recognized in Jesus, who gave his life on the cross for human salvation, and through Jesus is seen the character of God the Father, who gave his only begotten Son for the sake of sinners. Many believers of all faiths consider themselves in a deep, personal relationship with God in which they are direct recipients of God's love and blessings, and of God's forgiveness for the sins of their former lives.  
  
''Gănqíng'' (感情), the feeling of a relationship, is an [[emotion]]al attachment toward another person or anything. A person will express love by building good ''gănqíng'', accomplished through helping or working for another.
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[[Augustine of Hippo|St. Augustine]] argued that God's goodness necessarily overflows into creation. The author of the letters of John wrote, "We love, because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). People who are inspired by the love of God feel joy to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their beloved; which in the absence of God's love they would not do. The [[Bhagavad Gita]] states, "To love is to know Me/My innermost nature/The truth that I am" (18.55). Not only in the human world, but the beauty of nature can be regarded as an expression of God's love.  
  
''[[Yuanfen]]'' (緣份) is a connection of bound destinies. A meaningful relationship is often conceived of as dependent strong ''yuanfen''. A similar conceptualization in English is, "They were made for each other," "fate," or "destiny."
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The Bible commands, "you should love the Lord your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:4). The covenant relationship to God requires humans to respond to God's love by loving God in return. The Christian saints beginning with [[Saint Paul|Paul]] endured many tribulations in their efforts to love God and do his will by preaching Christ to the unbelieving people. In the Qur'an, the believers are called "God's helpers" (61:14).  
  
===Japanese===
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God's love is often seen as universal love. The concept that God needs people's help to do his will, which is to bring justice and peace to the earth, implies that there are myriads of opportunities to love God through loving other people and helping them in their distress. The Bible teaches, "If God so loved us, we also ought to love one another" (1 John 4:12). The Buddhist saint [[Nagarjuna]] wrote: "Compassion is a mind that savors only mercy and love for all sentient beings" (Precious Garland 437). The [[Bhagavad Gita]] describes in lofty terms the state of spiritual union encompassing all beings: "I am ever present in those who have realized Me in every creature. Seeing all life as My manifestation, they are never separated from Me. They worship Me in the hearts of all, and all their actions proceed from Me" (6:30-31).
  
The two most common words for love in Japanese are ''ai'' (愛) and ''koi'' (恋).  Generally speaking, most forms of non-romantic love are expressed using the former, while romantic love is expressed using the latter. In [[Japanese Buddhism]], ''ai'' (愛) is passionate caring love, and a fundamental desire. It can develop towards either selfishness or selflessness and enlightenment.
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===Self-love===
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Self-love, depending on how it is construed, can be either the bane of genuine love or a necessary foundation for loving in all contexts. Where self-love is construed as self-centeredness, placing concern for self first, as in [[narcissism]], it can be viewed entirely in the negative. The effort to live for the sake of the other that is genuine love requires giving up territories of self-centeredness at every turn.  
  
"Parental love," for example, is ''oya no ai'' (親の愛), while "to be in love with" is ''koi suru'' (恋する). There are of course exceptions. The word ''aijin'' (愛人) means "lover" and implies an illicit, often extra-marital relationship, whereas ''koibito'' (恋人) has the connotation of "boyfriend," "girlfriend," or "partner."
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Yet, without being able to love oneself, loving others is often difficult. It is hard to love others while hating oneself, and even harder to receive love when feeling unworthy. People need to love themselves enough to care for their health and strive to better themselves. The victories they gain in life give confidence, and confident people do better in life and are generally happier as a result (or vice versa). Self-love creates a positive attitude towards life that helps people deal with the everyday problems, rather than dwelling on negatives.  
  
In everyday conversation, however, ''ai'' (愛) and ''koi'' (恋) are rarely used. Rather than using ''ai shiteiru'' (愛している) or ''koi shiteiru'' (恋している) to say "I love you," for example, most Japanese would say ''daisuki desu'' (大好きです), which literally means "I really like you" — ''suki'' (好き) being the same word used to express preferences for food, music, and so forth, as in ''sushi ga suki desu'' (寿司が好きです), or "I like [[sushi]]."  Rather than diluting the sentiment, however, the implied meaning of "love" is understood.
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Loving oneself begins with the childhood experiences of loving parents. Abandoned babies, children raised in institutions or shuttled from foster home to foster home, find it difficult in later years to love deeply and make lasting bonds with other people.<ref>Selma H. Fraiberg, ''The Magic Years'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1959), p. 293.</ref> Children also need to experience the obligations that loving parents impose, that responsibility and kindness win parental approval. From these experience, they learn to find self-worth in conquering the challenges of life's journey and striving in the realms of love.
  
''[[Amae]]'' (甘え), a Japanese word meaning "indulgent dependence," is part of the child-rearing culture of Japan. Japanese mothers are expected to hug and indulge their children, and children are expected to reward their mothers by clinging and serving. Some [[sociologist]]s (most notably, [[Doi Takeo|Takeo Doi]]) have suggested that Japanese social interactions in later life are modeled on the mother-child amae.
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Philosopher [[Thomas Aquinas]] posed the "problem of love" as whether the desire to do [[good]] for another is solely because the lover sees someone worth loving, or if a little [[self-interest]] is always present in the desire to do good for another. Aquinas understood that human expressions of love are always based partly on love of [[self]] and similitude of being:
  
===Greek===
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<blockquote>Even when a man loves in another what he loves not in himself, there is a certain likeness of proportion: because as the latter is to that which is loved in him, so is the former to that which he loves in himself.<ref> Thomas Aquinas, ''Summa Theologica'' (New York: Benziger Bros., 1948).</ref></blockquote>
[[Greek language|Greek]] distinguishes several different senses in which the word "love" is used.  For example, ancient Greek has the words ''philia'', ''eros'', ''agape'', ''storge'' and ''xenia''. However, with Greek as with many other languages, it has been historically difficult to separate the meanings of these words totally.  At the same time the ancient Greek text of the [[Bible]] has examples of the [[verb]] ''agapo'' being used with the same meaning as ''phileo''.
 
  
''[[Agapē|Agape]]'' ({{polytonic|&#x1f00;γ&#x1f71;πη}} ''&#x61;&#x67;á&#x70;ē'') means "love" in modern day Greek. The term ''s'agapo'' means ''I love you'' in Greek. The word ''agapo'' is the verb "to love." It generally refers to a "pure," ideal type of love rather than the physical attraction suggested by ''eros''. However, there are some examples of ''agape'' used to mean the same as ''eros''. It has also been translated as "love of the soul."
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Other thinkers, notably the Russian philosopher [[Vladimir Solovyov]], have recognized that the essential quality of love is that it focuses on the other, not on the self. In ''The Meaning of Love,'' he wrote that love
  
''[[Eros (love)|Eros]]'' ({{polytonic|&#x1f14;ρως}} ''é&#x72;ō&#x73;'') is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Greek word ''erota'' means "in love." Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth. Lovers and philosophers are all inspired to seek truth by eros. Some translations list it as "love of the body."
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<blockquote>forces us with all our being to acknowledge for another the same absolute central significance which, because of the power of our egoism, we are conscious of only in our selves.<ref>Vladimir Solovyov, ''The Meaning of Love'' (Lindisfarne Books, 1995). ISBN 0940262185</ref></blockquote>
  
''[[Philia]]'' ({{polytonic|φιλ&#x1f77;α}} ''&#x70;&#x68;&#x69;&#x6c;í&#x61;''), means friendship in modern Greek, a dispassionate virtuous love, was a concept developed by [[Aristotle]]. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. Philia is motivated by practical reasons; one or both of the parties benefit from the relationship.  
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==Personal development of competencies for loving==
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Love as an act of giving, living for the other, requires a set of competencies that one learns through a lifetime. Thus, [[Erich Fromm]] wrote of ''The Art of Loving.''<ref>Erich Fromm, ''The Art of Loving'' (Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006). ISBN 0061129739</ref> He acknowledged that people seek love desperately, and often inappropriately, which he attributed to the fact that "the desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man." Yet since love is an interpersonal and [[creativity|creative]] capacity of humans rather than an [[emotion]], the essential elements of love—including empathy, caring, responsibility, and the wisdom to act in a way that will really benefit the other—are "arts" that must be learned.  
  
''[[Storge]]'' ({{polytonic|στοργή}} ''storgē'') means affection in modern Greek; it is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring.
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===The family as the school of love===
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The [[family]] is the primary locus where most people cultivate their [[character]] and learn how to love. The family of origin is the context for a child's lessons about love and [[virtue]], as he or she relates to parents and siblings. The challenges of [[marriage]] and [[parenting]] bring further lessons. Precisely because of this crucial role in character development, family dysfunction is the origin of some of the deepest emotional and psychological scars. Experiences of childhood [[sexual abuse]], parents' [[divorce]], and so forth lead to serious problems later in life.  
  
''[[Xenia (Greek)|Xenia]]'' (ξενία ''philoxenía''), meaning hospitality in modern Greek, was an extremely important practice in ancient Greece. It was an almost ritualized friendship formed between a host and their guest, who could previously have been strangers. The host fed and provided quarters for the guest, who was only expected to repay with gratitude. The importance of this can be seen throughout Greek mythology, in particular Homer's ''[[Iliad]]'' and ''[[Odyssey]]''.
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The family structure provides the basic context for [[psychological development|human development]], as its members take on successive roles as children, siblings, spouses, parents, and grandparents. As educator Gabriel Moran put it, "The family teaches by its form."<ref>Gabriel Moran, ''Religious Education Development: Images for the Future'' (Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1983), p. 169.</ref> These different roles in the family describe a developmental sequence, the later roles building upon the earlier ones. Each role provides opportunities to develop a particular type of love, and carries with it specific [[norm]]s and duties. For this reason, the family has been called "the school of love."
  
===Latin===
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Even though the family may be unsurpassed as a school of love, it can also convey bias and prejudice when love in the family is not on the proper foundation, cautions the [[Confucianism|Confucian]] ''Doctrine of the Mean.'' To rectify this problem, one must back up to consider the individual and the training he or she requires to be capable of true love.  
[[Image:baglione.jpg|right|thumb|200px|'Sacred Love versus Profane Love' by Giovanni Baglione]]
 
The [[Latin]] language has several different verbs corresponding to the English word "love."
 
  
''[[Amare]]'' is the basic word for "to love," as it still is in Italian today. The Romans used it both in an affectionate sense, as well as in a Romantic or sexual sense. From this verb come ''amans'', a lover, amator, "professional lover," often with the accessory notion of lechery, and ''amica'', "girlfriend" in the English sense, often as well being applied euphemistically to a [[prostitution|prostitute]]. The corresponding noun is ''amor'', which is also used in the plural form to indicate "love affairs" or "sexual adventures." This same root also produces ''amicus'', "friend."
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===Mind-body training to curb self-centeredness===
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Among the most important tasks in developing the ability to love others is to curb self-centeredness. Self-centeredness and the desires of the body can override the [[conscience]], which naturally directs the mind towards the good—what is best for everyone. Concern with the self can easily override the conscience's promptings to do altruistic deeds—sweep a neighbor's walk, give money to a passing beggar, or stop to help a motorist stuck on the road-side. "I don't have time," or "I need that money for my own kids," becomes a person's self-talk, and the conscience is overridden. Negative peer pressure, motivated by the self's desire to "fit in," can lead to cruel and unloving behavior. Sexual desire can lead to deceit and exploitation, to taking advantage of a friend who deserves better with blandishments of "I love you" for the sake of nothing more than the body's gratification.  
  
Complicating the picture somewhat, Latin sometimes uses ''amare'' where English would simply say "to like;" this notion, however, is much more generally expressed in Latin by ''placere'' or ''delectare'', which are used more colloquially, and the latter of which is used frequently in the love poetry of Catullus.
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To deal with this problem, people need training in [[self-discipline]], the fruit of continuous practice of good deeds by curbing the more body-centered desires to conform to those of the mind. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “With self-discipline most anything is possible.” Self-discipline is fundamental to character growth, which in turn is fundamental to the capacity to give genuine love. This training begins at a young age:
  
''[[Diligere]]'' often has the notion "to be affectionate for," "to esteem," and rarely if ever is used of romantic love. This word would be appropriate to describe the friendship of two men. The corresponding noun ''diligentia'', however, has the meaning "diligence," "carefulness," and has little semantic overlap with the verb.
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<blockquote>In a revealing study, preschoolers were given a choice of eating one marshmallow right away or holding out for fifteen minutes in order to get two marshmallows. Some youngsters ate the treat right away. Others distracted themselves to control their bodies from grabbing the treat; they were duly rewarded with two marshmallows. A follow-up study conducted years later when the children graduated from high school found that those who had displayed the ability to delay gratification even at that young age grew up to be more confident, persevering, trustworthy, and had better social skills; while the grabbers were more troubled, resentful, jealous, anxious, and easily upset.<ref>Uichi Shoda, Walter Mischel, and Philip K. Peake, “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies from Preschool Delay of Gratification,” ''Developmental Psychology'' 26/6 (1990), pp. 978-986.</ref></blockquote>
  
''[[Observare]]'' is a synonym for ''diligere''; despite the cognate with English, this verb and its corresponding noun ''observantia'' often denotes "esteem" or "affection."
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Thus, even a modicum of self-control at an early age sets up a pattern that leads to greater self-mastery.
  
''[[Caritas]]'' is used in Latin translations of the Christian Bible to mean "charitable love." This meaning, however, is not found in Classical pagan Roman literature. As it arises from a conflation with a Greek word, there is no corresponding verb.
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Many religious teachings focus on [[asceticism|ascetic]] practices to subjugate the desires of the flesh, in order to liberate the higher mind from its slavery to the body. In the Hindu [[Upanishads]], the self is described as a rider, the body as a chariot, the intellect as the charioteer and the mind as the reins. The physical senses are likened to the power of the horses thundering down the mazes of desire (Katha Upanishad 1.3.3-6). This image shows that unless self-discipline is strong, the desires of the flesh enslave a person. Therefore, a person needs to establish self-control as a basis for his or her actions with others. “Who is strong? He who controls his passions,” states the Mishnah (Abot 4.1).<ref>R. Travers Herford, ed., ''The Ethics of the Talmud: Sayings of the Fathers'' (New York: Schocken Books, 1925, 1962).</ref>
  
==Religious views==
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Contemporary society’s fondness for maximum individual [[freedom]] and [[autonomy]] presents challenges to those who would discipline themselves, and who would strengthen the moral will of those under their care. On one hand, society imposes far less external controls on individual behavior than it traditionally has; social expectations are quite lax on every matter from etiquette to sexual behavior. This would suggest that the locus of control must reside within the individual as never before. Yet there has probably never been less social support for individual self-control. Western consumer-oriented society exalts comfort and self-indulgence and scorns restraint and discipline. To instill self-control in oneself or others goes against the cultural tide. Yet it is an essential task. To conquer the realm of the body is an awesome responsibility which every person must undertake.  
Whether religious love can be expressed in similar terms to interpersonal love is in itself a matter for philosophical debate. Most [[religion]]s use the term "love" to express the [[devotion]] the follower has to their deity, or to a living [[guru]] or religious teacher who may be viewed as an incarnation of the deity. Some traditions encourage the development of passionate love in the believer for the deity.
 
  
This love can be expressed by [[prayer]], service, good deeds, and personal [[sacrifice]]. Reciprocally, the followers may believe that the deity loves them  and all of creation.
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The religious traditions advocate two basic means to mind and body unity. One is to weaken the influence of the body by denying its desires. “Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God,” exhorts St. Paul (Romans 12:1). This is the path of [[asceticism]], which includes such training methods as [[fasting]], reducing the amount of sleep, taking frequent cold showers, and quitting bad habits like smoking. The [[obedience]] of military life and living a simple and non-indulgent lifestyle are also recommended. The second path to mind-body unity is to reinforce the strength of the mind through various methods, including [[prayer]], [[meditation]], study of Scripture, mindfulness (becoming aware of one's states of mind and refraining from acting during unstable states like anger and complaint), setting and achieving worthy goals, respect for parents, and other lessons of family life.
  
Religions describe true human love as grounded in divine love: passages such as 1 John 4 and 1 Corinthians 13 of the [[Christian]] [[Bible]], the ''[[Bhagavad Gita]]'', and the [[Buddhism|Buddhist]] ''Metta Sutta'' describe divine love as universal, flowing impartially to all beings.<ref>[http://www.unification.net/ws/theme024.htm World Scripture] Retrieved August 14, 2007.</ref>
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To love even when it is difficult: This requires the capability of the mind to assert itself over the demands of the body. Through efforts to reduce the pull of the flesh while enhancing our moral and spiritual strength, the mind and body can be brought into unity. The heart is thus liberated to give of itself freely and unselfishly.
  
Religions also recognize that the highest standard of love is that of love in the family—love for children and love for spouse are the most intense of human loves. Thus a Buddhist ''sutra'' states that the [[bodhisattva]] loves everyone as though they were a loved only child. On the other hand, the [[Confucianism|Confucian]] ''Doctrine of the Mean'' cautions that love in the family can be biased; without the right foundation it is not true love.  
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==Conjugal Love==
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[[Image:SwansHeart.jpg|thumb|400px|right|Swans forming a heart, a common symbol for love; scientists have recently begun to study the chemistry of [[pair bonding]] in animals as models for [[human bonding]].]]
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Conjugal love, including its [[human sexuality|sexual]] expression, is perhaps the most formidable of loves. It is inextricably intermingled not only with the impulse to bond for life but also the creation of life, and the passing down of genes and lineage. The power of sexual love is as deep and elemental as the wind or the sea and just as impossible to tame or even fully comprehend. For this reason, educating for true love necessarily involves imparting insights about sexuality and coaching in directing this marvelous force.
  
While the world's religions have different descriptions of love, they all regard love as the essence of what is most important in life.
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Sex within its rightful place of marriage is an expression of deepest trust and affection, bonding the two partners together in deep communion and joy. Spouses’ physical communion is the origin of families, which in turn are the schools for learning love and what it means to be human. Sex outside of marriage, however, is like a fire outside of its hearth, a threat to all concerned. It is uniquely prone to compulsiveness that overrides the conscience. Psychologist Rollo May differentiated between the impulse for love and the drive for sex, saying, "For human beings, the more powerful need is not sex per se but for relationships, intimacy, acceptance, and affirmation." Hence casual sex is built on the vain hope that satisfying the sexual impulses of the body will somehow satisfy the loneliness of the heart.<ref>Rollo May, ''Love and Will'' (New York: Norton, 1969).</ref> For these reasons, religious traditions and societies throughout history have provided strong guidelines for sexual expression. “The moral man,” reads a Confucian text, “finds the moral law beginning in the relation between man and woman” (Doctrine of the Mean 12).<ref>Lin Yutang, trans., ''The Wisdom of Confucius'' (New York: Random House, 1938).</ref>
  
====Bahai====
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===The link between sex and love===
According to the [[Bahai]] faith,  
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The sex instinct is the biological counterpart to the spiritual heart impulse to love. Ethicist Lewis B. Smedes describes sexuality as the “human impulse towards intimate communion,”<ref>Lewis B. Smedes, ''Sex for Christians'' (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Eerdmans), p. 19.</ref> which impels one towards a close connection with another person.
  
<blockquote>This is the truth and there is naught beyond the truth save error. Know thou assuredly that
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The very sex organs themselves give obvious testimony in biology to the principle of living for another and with another. This is at the core of what [[Pope John Paul II]] called the “nuptial meaning of the body,” that is, its capacity for union and communion through selfless giving.<ref>Christopher West, [http://www.ccli.org/marriage/west2.shtml The Pope's Theology of the Body, Part II.] Retrieved October 8, 2007.</ref> Rabbi Shmuley Boteach observes that sex is “simply the only human activity that physically necessitates another human being.”<ref>Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, [http://shamash3.shamash.org/listarchives/oxford-judaism/950219 The Role of the Emotions in Religion.] Retrieved October 8, 2007.</ref> In this sense, the genital organs symbolize the desire of the heart for conjugal oneness. The sexual parts of the body are the only organs that cannot fulfill their fullest function without their counterpart in a member of the opposite sex; they are almost useless otherwise. It is the same with the spiritual heart; it cannot find fulfillment without the beloved either. Indeed, the heart and the sexual parts are connected. One moves the other; there is a mysterious link of reinforcement between the communion of lovers’ hearts and union of their genitals.  
:Love is the mystery of divine revelations! Love is the effulgent manifestation!
 
:Love is the spiritual fulfillment! Love is the light of the Kingdom!
 
:Love is the breath of the Holy Spirit inspired into the human spirit!
 
:Love is the cause of the manifestation of the Truth (God) in the phenomenal world!
 
:Love is the necessary tie proceeding from the realities of things through divine creation!
 
:Love is the means of the most great happiness in both the material and spiritual worlds!
 
:Love is a light of guidance in the dark night!
 
:Love is a bond between the Creator and the creature in the inner world!
 
:Love is the cause of development to every enlightened man!
 
:Love is the greatest law in this vast universe of God!
 
:Love is the one law which causeth and controlleth order among the existing atoms!
 
:Love is the universal magnetic power between the planets and stars shining in the lofty firmament!
 
:Love is the cause of unfoldment to a searching mind, of the secrets deposited in the universe by the Infinite!
 
:Love is the spirit of life in the bountiful body of the world!
 
:Love is the cause of the civilization of nations in this mortal world!
 
:Love is the highest honor to every righteous nation!
 
:(Abdu'l-Baha, Tablets of Abdu'l-Baha v3, p. 525)</blockquote>
 
  
====Buddhism====
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Thus, the man offers his body to the woman for her to experience the meaning of her own physical sexuality, and vice versa. This primal, inescapable need draws the two sexes to bridge the divide and lend their strengths and concede their weakness for one another. In this way, the sexual urge embodies the innate push of masculinity and femininity towards oneness, towards greater love and completeness.
In [[Buddhism]], ''[[Kāma]]'' is sensuous, sexual love. It is an obstacle on the path to [[enlightenment (Buddhism)|enlightenment]], since it is self-centered.
 
  
''[[Karuna|Karunā]]'' is compassion and mercy, which reduces the [[suffering]] of others. It is complementary to wisdom, and is necessary for enlightenment.
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This correspondence between the spiritual heart and the physical reproductive organs is the basis for the universal regard for sexual modesty, even among peoples who do not wear clothes. Just as individuals show self-respect by revealing their heart only to special people in their lives, so people honor the sexual parts of the body by hiding them from public view. If the body is the temple of the spirit, then this area represents the innermost sanctuary, the holiest place, the shrine and palace of love. A sense of the sacredness of the genital organs may have been behind the ancient Roman custom of men making oaths with their hand on their private parts. Certainly it helps to explain why Yahweh asked of Hebrew males to be circumcised and bear the mark of their special covenant with Him there.
  
''[[Advesa]]'' and ''[[metta|maitrī]]'' are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. Instead, in Buddhism it refers to detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare.
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===Sacredness of sexuality===
  
The [[Bodhisattva]] ideal in Tibetan Buddhism involves the complete renunciation of oneself in order to take on the burden of a suffering world. The strongest motivation one has in order to take the path of the Bodhisattva is the idea of salvation within unselfish love for others.
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[[Image:baglione.jpg|right|thumb|200px|'Sacred Love versus Profane Love' by Giovanni Baglione]]
 
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The way that partners utterly lose themselves during physical union has always suggested its transcendent side. This is one of the reasons people have historically posited sex as a spiritually elevating force in itself, heedless of its moral context, and even worshiped it. This perennial fallacy, coupled with the pernicious power of sex in general—not to mention the ease with which even spiritually based personal relationships can become sexualized and destructive—have all contributed to why some of the world religions tend to scrupulously separate sex from matters relating to God.
====Christianity====
 
In [[Christianity]], love is most famously described by [[Saint Paul]]:
 
<blockquote>"Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." [[1 Corinthians]] 13:4–7 (NIV)</blockquote>
 
 
 
The [[New Testament]] only used two Greek words for love: ''[[agapē]]'' and ''[[philia]]''. However, there are several Greek words for Love.
 
*''Agapē''. In the New Testament, ''[[agapē]]'' is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is parental love seen as creating goodness in the world, it is the way God is seen to love humanity, and it is seen as the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for others.
 
*''Philia''. Also used in the New Testament, ''[[philia]]'' is a human response to something that is found to be delightful.  Also known as "brotherly love."
 
*''[[Eros (love)|Eros]]'' (sexual love) is never used in the New Testament.
 
*''[[Storge]]'' (needy child-to-parent love) only appears in the compound word ''philostorgos'' (Rom 12:10).
 
 
 
Saint Paul glorified ''agapē'' love in the quote above from [[1 Corinthians]] 13, and as the most important virtue of all: "Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." (1 Cor 13:8 NIV).
 
 
 
Christianity teaches that because of [[God]]'s ''agapē'' love for humanity he sacrificed his son for us. [[John the Apostle]] wrote, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." ([[Gospel of John|John]] 3:16–17 KJV)
 
 
 
Christians believe that the greatest commandment is "thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment"; in addition to the second, "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." These are what [[Jesus Christ]] called the two greatest commandments (see Mark 12:28–34, Luke 10:25-28, Matthew 22:37-39, Matthew 7:12; cf. Deuteronomy 6:5, Deuteronomy 11:13, Deuteronomy 11:22, Leviticus 19:18, Leviticus 19:34).
 
 
 
In the [[Gospel of John]], Jesus said: "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my [[Disciple (Christianity)|disciples]], if you love one another." (NIV, John 13:34-35; cf. John 15:17). Jesus also taught "[[Expounding of the Law#Love for enemies|Love your enemies]]." (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27).
 
  
Christians also believe that God is the source and essence of love, "He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love." ([[1 John]] 4:8 KJV)
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Thus, although sex and spirituality are not commonly discussed together, it is simply a further reflection of the unique and paradoxical position humans occupy as spiritual yet embodied beings. Sexuality in many ways reflects this most dramatically. The sex urge is an instinctual drive yet it allows participants to co-create with God an eternal being (a child). It is a spiritual impulse towards oneness, even as it craves bodily expression and sensual play.
  
====Hinduism====
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Likewise, one can surmise that God would be attracted to lovemaking between a fully mature husband and wife, mirroring as it does the fullness of the Divine heart. The couple's self-giving resonates with the self-giving nature of God. The unity of man and woman reflects the unity of masculinity and femininity in the Godhead. The conception of a child invites the presence of God in that moment, the creation of a new spiritual being.  
In [[Hinduism]] ''[[kāma]]'' is pleasurable, sexual love, personified by the god [[Kama (Hinduism)|Kama]]. For many Hindu schools it is the third end in life. In contrast to ''kāma'', ''[[prema]]'' or ''prem'' refers to elevated love. ''[[Karuna]]'' is compassion and mercy, which reduces the suffering of others.
 
  
''Bhakti'' is a Sanskrit term from Hinduism meaning "loving devotion to the supreme God." Hindu writers, theologians, and philosophers have distinguished nine forms of devotion that they call [[bhakti]].  
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Recognizing the sacredness of sexuality, Judaism teaches that that the ''Shekhinah'' (the feminine aspect of God) is present in marital relations, and encourages couples should make love on the Sabbath, the holiest day of the week. Islam has couples consecrating their lovemaking by offering a prayer. Buddhism and Hinduism contain secret [[Tantra|Tantric]] teachings for initiates who have reached the requisite spiritual level to harness the powerful force of sexuality for self-realization.
  
''Prema'' has the ability to melt [[karma]] which is also known as the moving force of our past actions, intentions and reactions to our experience in life. When we love everything, the force of karma that is in relation to those things, events or circumstances slowly starts going towards peacefulness, relaxation and freedom and we find ourselves in a "state of love."
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The holiness of sexuality may be the reason behind many of the religious traditions’ prohibitions against fornication, adultery, and lesser offenses. This negative emphasis invites charges of sexual repression. Yet one can argue that the purpose of these prohibitions is to highlight the sacredness, the unique importance and beauty of sexuality, and therefore it is a tribute to a fundamentally positive view of sex. In the Bible, even the older man is reminded, “Let your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5.18-19).
  
====Islam====
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===Ascertaining the quality of conjugal love===
There are no direct references in [[Islam]] stating that God is love, but amongst the 99 names of God ([[Allah]]), there is the name ''Al-Wadud'' or "the Loving One," which is found in Surah 11:90 as well as Surah 85:14. It refers to God as being "full of loving kindness."
+
Young people can benefit from a clear-eyed discussion about the nature of love that helps them distinguish between true conjugal love and its myriad of counterfeits. Conjugal love itself involves many elements, including romantic love, [[human sexuality|sex]], deep [[friendship]], and mature commitment to a life-long relationship. Inspiring examples from the culture and one’s own family and neighbors can illuminate ennobling ties between men and women.  
  
In Islam, love is more often than not used as an incentive for sinners to aspire to be as worthy of God's love as they may. One still has God's love, but how the person evaluates his own worth is to his own and God's own counsel. All who hold the faith have God's love, but to what degree or effort he has pleased God depends on the individual itself.  
+
====Love vs. infatuation====
 +
The most basic distinction is between genuine love and [[infatuation]]—the common feeling of love based mainly on sexual attraction and passion. Infatuation is characteristic of immature, self-centered "love." Couples whose feelings for one another are at the level of infatuation enjoy the passion of sexual love without the volitional aspect of living for the sake of the other in rough times as well as in good times. Their love lacks the integrity to weather the storms that are inevitable in any relationship. Their judgments about love is mainly self-centered—how their partner makes them feel loved—rather than judging themselves over how they might give more to their partner. The attraction is largely external—looks, income, status—rather than cherishing the other for his or her good heart and character. Infatuations start up quickly and fade over time. They foster self-absorption within the couple to the exclusion of others.  
  
This ''[[Ishq]]'', or divine love, is the emphasis of [[Sufism]]. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is often referred to as the religion of Love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through Love humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace.
+
A simple expedient to separate such self-centered infatuation from genuine love is for the couple to abstain from sexual relations. "Ask the partner to wait until marriage for sex," recommends purity educator Mike Long, "and by their response you’ll know if he or she loves you."<ref>Mike Long, “Everyone is NOT Doing It!: Emotional Roller Coaster,” Abstinence Education Video Series, M.L. Productions, 2002.</ref> This is an application of the classic Biblical definition: "Love is patient and kind… Love does not insist on its own way" (1 Corinthians 13.3-4).
  
====Judaism====
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====Triangular model of love====
{{Quote box|
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A more complete theory of conjugal love has been put forth by psychologist [[Robert Sternberg]], who posits three different components: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.  
width=35%
 
|align=right
 
|quote="And you shall love the <small>[[Tetragrammaton|Lord]]</small> your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might."
 
|source=[[Deuteronomy]] 6:5|}}
 
  
In [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]] ''[[Ahava (Judaism)|ahava]]'' is the most commonly used term for both interpersonal love and love of God. Other related but dissimilar terms are ''[[Chen (Judaism)|chen]]'' (grace) and ''[[Chesed (Judaism)|chesed]]'', which basically combines the meaning of "affection" and "compassion" and is sometimes rendered in English as "loving-kindness."
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#[[Intimacy]]—which encompasses the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
 +
#[[passion (emotion)|Passion]]—which encompasses the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
 +
#[[Commitment]]—which encompasses, in the short term, the decision that one loves another, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love.
  
[[Judaism]] employs a wide definition of love, both between people and between man and the Deity. As for the former, the [[Torah]] states: "Love your neighbor like yourself" ([[Leviticus]] 19:18). As for the latter, one is commanded to love God "with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might" ([[Deuteronomy]] 6:5), taken by the [[Mishnah]] (a central text of the Jewish [[oral law]]) to refer to good deeds, willingness to sacrifice one's life rather than commit certain serious transgressions, willingness to sacrifice all one's possessions and being grateful to the Lord despite adversity (tractate Berachoth 9:5, tractate Sanhedrin 74a). [[Rabbinic literature]] differs how this love can be developed, e.g. by contemplating Divine deeds or witnessing the marvels of nature  (Maimonides' Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Yesoday HaTorah, Chapter 2).
+
Intimacy is a form of love by which two people can share secrets and various details of their personal lives. Intimacy is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Passion, born of sexual attraction, is shown in infatuation as well as romantic love. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is going to last forever.   
 
 
As for love between marital partners, this is deemed an essential ingredient to life: "See life with the wife you love" ([[Ecclesiastes]] 9:9). The Biblical book [[Song of Solomon|Song of Songs]] is a considered a romantically-phrased metaphor of love between God and his people, but in its plain reading reads like a love song.
 
 
 
The twentieth-century rabbi [[Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler]] is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point-of-view as "giving without expecting to take" (from his ''Michtav me-Eliyahu'', vol. I), as can be seen from the word for love ''ahava'', as the root of the word is ''hav'', to give. Romantic love ''per se'' has few echoes in Jewish literature, although the medieval rabbi [[Judah Halevi]] wrote romantic poetry in Arabic in his younger years.
 
 
 
====Mythology====
 
Different cultures have deified love in their [[mythology|mythologies]], typically in both male and female form. Even though in monotheistic religions, God is considered to represent love, there are often [[angel]]s or similar beings that represent love as well. The following are examples of gods and goddesses of love in different mythologies.
 
* [[Áine]] &mdash; goddess of fertility and passionate love in [[Irish mythology]]
 
* [[Amor]] or [[Cupid]] &mdash; god of passionate love in [[Roman mythology]]
 
* [[Antheia]] &mdash; goddess in [[Crete|Cretan]] mythology of love, flowers, gardens, and marshes
 
* [[Aonghus]] or Aengus &mdash; god of beauty, youth, and sensual love in Irish mythology
 
* [[Aphrodite]] &mdash; goddess of beauty and passionate love in [[Greek mythology]]
 
* [[Astarte]] &mdash; goddess of love in Canaanite mythology
 
* [[Eros (god)|Eros]] &mdash; god of passionate love in Greek mythology
 
* [[Freyja]] &mdash; goddess of love, fertility and war in [[Norse mythology]]
 
* [[Haniel]] &mdash; angel of Venus, and of eros, in Judeo-Christian mythology.
 
* [[Inanna]] &mdash; goddess of love and war in [[Sumerian mythology]]
 
* [[Ishtar]] &mdash; goddess of love and war in [[Babylonian mythology]]
 
* [[Kama (Hinduism)|Kama]] &mdash; god of sensual love in [[Hindu mythology]]
 
* [[Mihr]] &mdash; spirit of love in [[Persian mythology]]
 
* [[Rati]] &mdash; goddess of passionate love in Hindu mythology
 
* [[Raphael (archangel)|Raphael]] &mdash; angel of love (agape) in Judeo-Christian mythology.
 
* [[Venus (mythology)|Venus]] &mdash; goddess of beauty and passionate love in Roman mythology
 
* [[Xochipilli]] &mdash; the god of love, games, beauty, dance, flowers, maize, and song in [[Aztec mythology]]
 
 
 
==Philosophical views==
 
People, throughout history, have often considered phenomena such as "love at first sight" or "instant friendships" to be the result of an uncontrollable [[force]] of attraction or affinity.<ref>{{cite book | last = Fisher | first = Helen | title = Why We Love – the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love | publisher = Henry Holt and Company | year = 2004 | id = ISBN 0-8050-6913-5}}</ref>  One of the first to theorize in this direction was the Greek philosopher [[Empedocles]], who in the fourth century B.C.E. argued for the existence of two forces, love (''philia'') and strife (''neikos''), which were used to account for the causes of motion in the universe. These two forces were said to intermingle with the [[classical element]]s—earth, water, air, and fire—in such a manner that love served as the binding power linking the various parts of existence harmoniously together. 
 
 
 
Later, [[Plato]] interpreted Empedocles' two agents as "attraction" and "repulsion," stating that their operation is conceived in an alternate sequence.<ref>{{cite book | last = Jammer | first = Max  | title = Concepts of Force | publisher = Dover Publications, Inc. | year = 1956 | id = ISBN 0-486-40689-X}}</ref> From these arguments, Plato originated the concept of "likes attract," such that earth is attracted to earth, water to water, and fire to fire. In modern terms this is often phrased in terms of "birds of a feather flock together."
 
 
 
The "problem of love" questions whether the desire to do [[good]] for another is based solely on the outward ability to love another person because the lover sees something (or someone) worth loving, or if a little [[self-interest]] is always present in the desire to do good for another. This "problem" centers on [[Thomas Aquinas]]' understanding that human expressions of love are always based partly on love of [[self]] and similitude of being:
 
<blockquote>Even when a man loves in another what he loves not in himself, there is a certain likeness of proportion: because as the latter is to that which is loved in him, so is the former to that which he loves in himself.<ref> Thomas Aquinas, ''Summa Theologica'' (New York: Benziger Bros., 1948)</ref></blockquote>
 
 
 
Many philosophers have recognized though, that the essential quality of love is that it focuses on the other, not on the self. Russian philosopher [[Vladimir Solovyov]] in his ''The Meaning of Love'', noted that love
 
<blockquote>forces us with all our being to acknowledge for another the same absolute central significance which, because of the power of our egoism, we are conscious of only in our selves.<ref> Vladimir Solovyov ''The Meaing of Love'' (Lindisfarne Books 1995 ISBN 0940262185)</ref></blockquote>
 
 
 
[[Bertrand Russell]] described love as a condition of "absolute value," as opposed to [[relative value]]. [[Thomas Jay Oord]] defined love as acting intentionally, in sympathetic response to others (including God), to promote overall well-being.
 
 
 
=== Platonic love ===
 
 
 
In the fourth century B.C.E., the Greek philosopher [[Plato]], disciple of [[Socrates]] and teacher of [[Aristotle]], positioned the view that one would never love a person in that person’s totality, because no person represents goodness or beauty in totality. At a certain level, one does not even love the person at all. Rather, one loves an abstraction or image of the person’s best qualities. Plato never considered that one would love a person for his or her unique qualities, because the ideas are abstractions that do not vary. In love, we thus look for the best embodiment of a universal truth in a person rather than that of an idiosyncratic truth.
 
 
 
Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an [[affection]]ate relationship into which the [[sex]]ual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual [[friendship]] between two [[Heterosexuality|heterosexual]] people of the opposite sexes.
 
 
 
Ironically, the very [[eponym]] of this love, Plato, as well as [[Socrates]] and others, belonged to the community of men who desired boys and engaged in erotic pedagogic friendships with youths. The concept of platonic love thus arose within the context of the debate pitting mundane sexually expressed [[pederasty]] against the philosophic – or chaste – pederasty elaborated in Plato's writings.
 
[[Image:Plato i sin akademi, av Carl Johan Wahlbom (ur Svenska Familj-Journalen).png|thumb|left|200 px|Plato and his companions.]]
 
 
 
This modern interpretation is a misunderstanding of the nature of the [[Platonic idealism|Platonic ideal]] of love, which from its origin was that of a [[chaste]] but passionate love, based not on lack of interest but virtuous restraint of sexual desire. In its original Platonic form, this love was meant to bring the lovers closer to wisdom and the Platonic [[Form]] of Beauty.  It is described in depth in Plato's [[Phaedrus (Plato)|''Phaedrus'']] and ''[[Symposium (Plato)|Symposium]]''.  In the ''Phaedrus'', it is said to be a form of divine madness that is a gift from the gods, and that its proper expression is rewarded by the gods in the afterlife; in the ''Symposium'', the method by which love takes one to the form of beauty and wisdom is detailed. 
 
 
 
Because of the common modern definition, platonic love can be seen as paradoxical in light of these philosophers' life experiences and teachings. Plato and his peers did not teach that a man's relationship with a youth should lack an [[erotic]] dimension, but rather that the longing for the beauty of the boy is a foundation of the friendship and love between those two. However, having acknowledged that the man's erotic desire for the youth magnetizes and energizes the relationship, they countered that it is wiser for this eros to not be sexually expressed, but instead be redirected into the intellectual and emotional spheres.
 
 
 
To resolve this confusion, French scholars found it helpful to distinguish between ''amour platonique'' (the concept of non-sexual love) and ''amour platonicien'' (love according to Plato). When the term "Platonic love" is used today, it generally does not describe this aspect of Plato's views of love.
 
 
 
==Scientific views==
 
Throughout history, [[philosophy]] and [[religion]] have done the most speculation on the phenomenon of love. In more recent times, the sciences of [[psychology]], [[biology]], [[anthropology]], and [[neuroscience]] have added to the understanding of the nature and function of love.
 
 
 
Biological models of sex tend to see it as an [[instinct]]ual and physical drive, just like [[hunger]] or [[thirst]]. Psychological theories view love from a more social and cultural perspective. There are elements of truth in both views &mdash; certainly love is influenced by [[hormone]]s (such as [[oxytocin]]) and [[pheromone]]s, and how people think and behave in love is influenced by one’s conceptions of love. 
 
 
 
[[Anthropology|Anthropologist]] [[Helen Fisher]] divided the experience of love into three partly-overlapping stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust exposes people to others, romantic attraction encourages people to focus their energy on mating, and attachment involves tolerating the spouse long enough to rear a child into infancy.
 
 
 
===Biological understandings===
 
 
 
[[Image:Pyrrhososma nymphula Luc Viatour.jpg|275px|left|thumb|Mating of [[Large Red Damselfly]] (Pyrrhosoma nymphula) with male on top, in [[Ciney]], [[Belgium]], configured in the shape of a [[heart]], a common symbol of [[love]].]]
 
 
 
The conventional view in [[biology]] is that there are two major drives in love &mdash; [[human sexuality|sexual attraction]] and [[attachment theory|attachment]]. Attraction can be stimulated by the action of [[pheromone]]s, similar to that found in many species. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead infants to become attached to their primary caregivers. 
 
 
 
Studies in [[neuroscience]] have indicated that a consistent number of chemicals are present in the [[brain]] when people testify to feeling love. More specifically, higher levels of [[testosterone]] and [[estrogen]] are present during the lustful or sexual phase of a relationship. [[Dopamine]], [[norepinephrine]], and [[serotonin]] are more commonly found during the attraction phase of a relationship. [[Oxytocin]] and [[vasopressin]] seemeto be more closely linked to long term bonding and relationships characterized by strong attachments.
 
 
 
Research has shown that the chemicals triggered responsible for passionate love and long-term attachment love seem to be more particular to the activities in which both participate rather than to the nature of the specific people involved.<ref> Lauren Slater "Love: The Chemical Reaction" ''National Geographic'' February 2006</ref> The serotonin effects of being in love have a similar chemical appearance to [[obsessive-compulsive disorder]]; which could explain why a person in love cannot think of anyone else. The long-term attachment felt after the initial "in love" passionate phase of the relationship ends is a result of chemicals such as [[oxytocin]]. 
 
 
 
[[Lust]] is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes [[mating]], and involves the increased release of chemicals such as [[testosterone]] and [[estrogen]]. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. [[Interpersonal attraction|Attraction]] is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in [[neuroscience]] have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including [[dopamine]], [[norepinephrine]], and [[serotonin]], which act similar to [[amphetamine]]s, stimulating the brain's [[pleasure center]] and leading to side-effects such as an increased [[heart rate]], loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.<ref name="human">Robert Winston, ''Human''. (Dorling Kindersley Publishers Ltd. 2004 ISBN 140530233X</ref> Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years and studies have found that a protein molecule known as the [[nerve growth factor]] (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these levels return to as they were after one year.<ref>Emanuele, E. Polliti, P, Bianchi, M. Minoretti, P. Bertona, M., & Geroldi, D. (2005). “Raised plasma nerve growth factor levels associated with early-stage romantic love.” ''Psychoneuroendocrinology'', Nov. 09. [http://www.biopsychiatry.com/lovengf.htm Abstract] Retrieved August 14, 2007. </ref>
 
 
 
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. [[Attachment theory|Attachment]] is the [[human bonding|bonding]] which promotes relationships that last for many years, and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as [[marriage]] and [[children]], or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals [[oxytocin]] and [[vasopressin]] than short-term relationships have.<ref name="human"/>
 
 
 
===Psychological understandings===
 
[[Image:SwansHeart.jpg|thumb|400px|right|Swans forming a heart, a common symbol for love; scientists have recently begun to study the chemistry of [[pair bonding]] in animals as models for [[human bonding]].]]
 
[[Psychology]] depicts love as a [[cognition|cognitive]] and social phenomenon. A variety of [[psychologist]]s have developed their own understandings of love; a sample of the more influential ones are described below.
 
 
 
====Erich Fromm====
 
[[Erich Fromm]] developed a unique definition of love in ''The Art of Loving.'' Fromm regarded human beings as uniquely endowed with the powers of love and [[reason]]. He acknowledged that people seek love desperately, albeit often inappropriately, which he attributed to the fact that "the desire for interperson fusion is the most powerful striving in man."<ref> Erich Fromm ''The Art of Loving'' (Harper Perennial Modern Classics 2006 ISBN 0061129739)</ref>
 
 
Fromm considered love to be an interpersonal and [[creativity|creative]] capacity of humans rather than an [[emotion]]. The elements of Fromm's concept of love were care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Fromm actually argued that the common idea "falling in love" was evidence of people's misunderstanding of the concept of true love, as the [[narcissism]] and mistreatment of the object of such attention often associated with such a view of love are hardly creative. Fromm also stated that few people in society respect the autonomy of others and are completely unaware of the wants and needs of others. Thus, for Fromm, love involves concern for the other and the desire to satisfy their needs rather than one's own.
 
 
 
====Scott Peck====
 
[[Scott Peck]] published his views on love in ''The Road Less Traveled,'' published in 1978. Peck believes love to be the engine of spiritual growth. Like Fromm, Peck does not support the traditional concept of romantic love, agreeing that love is not an emotion. To Peck, love is an activity or investment rather than [[feeling]]. Peck even argues that romantic love is a destructive [[myth]], leading to unhealthy dependency. Peck also seeks to differentiate between love and cathexis, which is what explains attractions to the opposite sex, the instinct for cuddling pets and pinching babies' cheeks. However, cathexis is not love. All the same, true love cannot begin in isolation, and so suggests that a certain amount of cathexis is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love.<ref name="peck">{{cite book | title=The Road Less Traveled | id=ISBN 0-671-25067-1 | last=Peck | first=Scott | publisher=Simon & Schuster | year=1978 | page=169}}</ref>
 
 
 
==== John Money ====
 
 
 
Abnormal sexology researcher [[John Money]] developed the concept of "lovemaps," defined as a set of love attachment predispositions, or neurological love templates, developed or acquired through association in early youth. According to Money, a lovemap is "a developmental representation or template in the [[mind]] and in the [[brain]] depicting the idealized lover and the idealized program of sexuoerotic activity projected in imagery or actually engaged in with that lover." These lovemaps help to explain why people like particular [[human sexuality|sexual]] experiences, particularly abnormal ones such as [[necrophilia]] or [[coprophilia]]. Although the concept of lovemaps originally developed from studies of atypical love, it has been applied to discussions of love in general.
 
 
 
====Robert Sternberg====
 
[[Robert Sternberg]] formulated a [[triangular theory of love]] with three different components of love: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.{{ref|sternberg1}}
 
 
 
#[[Intimacy]] – which encompasses the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
 
#[[passion (emotion)|Passion]] – which encompasses the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
 
#[[commitment|Decision/Commitment]] – which encompasses, in the short term, the decision that one loves another, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love.
 
 
 
Intimacy is a form by which two people can share secrets and various details of their personal lives. Intimacy is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is going to last forever. The last and most common form of love is sexual attraction and passion. Passionate love is shown in infatuation as well as romantic love.
 
The “amount” of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components; the “kind” of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other.   
 
  
 
These three components, pictorially labeled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences:   
 
These three components, pictorially labeled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences:   
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|'''Infatuation'''
 
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The size of the triangle functions to represent the amount of love - the bigger the triangle the greater the love.  The shape of the triangle functions to represent the kind of love, which typically varies over the course of the relationship: ''passion-stage'' (right-shifted triangle), ''intimacy-stage'' (apex-triangle), ''commitment-stage'' (left-shifted triangle), typically. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.”  Typically, couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long term with anyone else, they weather their few storms gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with each other.<ref>{{cite book|author=Sternberg, Robert |title=Cupid's Arrow - the Course of Love through Time|publisher=Cambridge University Press|year=1998|id=ISBN 0-521-47893-6}}</ref>
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The size of the triangle functions to represent the amount of love--the bigger the triangle, the greater the love.  The shape of the triangle functions to represent the kind of love, which typically varies over the course of the relationship: ''passion-stage'' (right-shifted triangle), ''intimacy-stage'' (apex-triangle), ''commitment-stage'' (left-shifted triangle), typically.  
  
==Love in culture==
+
Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.”  Typically, couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long term with anyone else, they weather their few storms gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with each other.<ref>Robert Sternberg, ''Cupid's Arrow: The Course of Love through Time'' (Cambridge University Press, 1998). ISBN 0-521-47893-6</ref>
 +
 
 +
===Biological understandings===
 +
[[Image:Pyrrhososma nymphula Luc Viatour.jpg|250px|left|thumb|Mating of [[Large Red Damselfly]] (Pyrrhosoma nymphula) with male on top, in [[Ciney]], [[Belgium]], configured in the shape of a [[heart]], a common symbol of [[love]].]]
 +
Biological models of sexual love support the above psychological theories. Some biologists and anthropologists posit two major drives: [[human sexuality|Sexual attraction]] and [[attachment theory|attachment]]. Others divide the experience of love into three partly-overlapping stages: Lust, attraction, and attachment. Attraction can be stimulated by the action of [[pheromone]]s, similar to that found in many species. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead infants to become attached to their primary caregivers. It involves tolerating the spouse long enough to rear a child.
 +
 
 +
Studies in [[neuroscience]] have indicated that a consistent number of chemicals are present in the [[brain]] when people testify to feeling love. More specifically, higher levels of [[testosterone]] and [[estrogen]] are present during the lustful or sexual phase of a relationship. [[Dopamine]], [[norepinephrine]], and [[serotonin]] are commonly found during the attraction phase of a relationship. [[Oxytocin]] and [[vasopressin]] seem to be closely linked to long term bonding and relationships characterized by strong attachments.
 +
 
 +
[[Lust]] is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes [[mating]], and involves the increased release of chemicals such as [[testosterone]] and [[estrogen]]. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. [[Interpersonal attraction|Attraction]] is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops as commitment to an individual mate forms. As two people fall in love, their brains release chemicals, including [[dopamine]], [[norepinephrine]], and [[serotonin]], which act similar to [[amphetamine]]s, stimulating the brain's [[pleasure center]] and leading to effects such as an increased [[heart rate]], loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.<ref>Robert Winston, ''Human'' (Dorling Kindersley Publishers Ltd., 2004). ISBN 140530233X</ref> The serotonin effects of being in love have a similar chemical appearance to [[obsessive-compulsive disorder]]; which could explain why a person in love cannot think of anyone else.<ref> Lauren Slater, "Love: The Chemical Reaction," ''National Geographic'' (2006).</ref> Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years and studies have found that a protein molecule known as the [[nerve growth factor]] (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these levels return to as they were after one year.<ref>E. Polliti Emanuele, Bianchi P., M. Minoretti, M. P. Bertona & Geroldi, D. [http://www.biopsychiatry.com/lovengf.htm “Raised plasma nerve growth factor levels associated with early-stage romantic love"], ''Psychoneuroendocrinology,'' (2005). Retrieved August 14, 2007. </ref>
 +
 
 +
Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. [[Attachment theory|Attachment]] is the [[human bonding|bonding]] which promotes relationships that last for many years, and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as [[marriage]] and [[children]], or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals [[oxytocin]] and [[vasopressin]] than short-term relationships have.
 +
 
 +
The biological perspective views love as an [[instinct]]ual and physical drive, just like [[hunger]] or [[thirst]]. Psychological and philosophical perspectives emphasize the mental and spiritual aspects, including feelings and volition. There are elements of truth in all views&mdash;as the constitution of human physiology works in concert with the mind to make love a holistic and all-encompassing experience.
 +
 
 +
===The myth of "falling in love"===
 +
One insidious fallacy pushed upon people from all sides is the myth of “falling in love:” Only an overwhelming, irresistible attraction springing up spontaneously between two people can lead to true and lasting love between them. The only challenge is to find the right person who arouses this feeling. If later on problems arise and the feeling should wane, this means this was the wrong person after all and the relationship should end.
 +
 
 +
This misunderstanding neglects the volitional aspect of loving. “While it sounds romantic to ‘fall’ in love, the truth is that we decide who we want to love,” asserts high school relationship educator Charlene Kamper.<ref>Charlene Kamper, ''Connections: Relationships and Marriage, Teachers Manual'' (Berkeley, California: The Dibble Fund for Marital Enhancement, 1996), p. 35.</ref> While it is true that the feeling aspect of love—as a strong state of liking—is beyond control, the intentional aspect—as a chosen attitude and behavior—is not. The latter can influence the former. In other words, the decision to love can encourage the feeling of love.<ref>Lori H. Gordon, ''Passage to Intimacy'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993), p. 28.</ref>
 +
 
 +
A person of character in a committed relationship will make effort to love whether or not he or she feels loving at the time.<ref>M. Scott Peck, ''The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993), pp. 119-120.</ref> This, of course, is the ordinary experience of parents who actively fulfill the duties of love even in the absence of warm feelings, and find their hearts renewed and affection restored. All religious exhortations to love one’s neighbor and even one’s adversary are based on the idea of love as a decision. Though everyone wants to be fond of their spouse without effort, just as one would with a friend, the reality is that in both marriage and friendship, love demands a large measure of doing what one does not feel like doing.
 +
 
 +
Understanding love as involving an act of will brings in the element of choice. This can be a source of freedom and security for youth, who often struggle with fears that certain flaws mean no one can love them or that married love will someday vanish. “If we fall out of love,” they wonder, “how can we bring it back?” They can learn it is possible to generate love even when it is not readily flowing. Indeed, if a man and woman have prepared themselves for lasting love—by the training they received in their own families, by cultivating self-control, and so on—a strong and affectionate connection builds or rebuilds between them that only deepens and strengthens over time.
 +
 
 +
Since it is not whom one loves that counts as much as how one loves, youth do not have to wait helplessly to bump into the “right person.” They can be getting practice and building confidence in becoming loving persons where they are right now. Furthermore, the notion of love as an active verb helps young people grasp the key difference between maturity and immaturity—the immature focus on being loved; the mature focus on giving love.
 +
 
 +
==Religious teachings on Love as an ethical and spiritual ideal==
 +
 
 +
Religions lift up those qualities that make for "true love"—love that helps those experiencing it live fuller lives. These include love for and from [[God]]; love within a [[family]], including conjugal love; [[friendship]]; love for the community, and general [[altruism]]. 
 +
 
 +
====In Christianity====
 +
The [[Christianity|Christian]] ideal of love is most famously described by [[Saint Paul]]:
 +
<blockquote>Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NIV).</blockquote>
 +
 
 +
Christianity lifts up the Greek term ''[[Agapē]]'' to describe such love. ''Agapē'' love is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is the essence of parental love, ever creating goodness in the world; it is the way God is seen to love humanity. It was because of [[God]]'s ''agapē'' love for humanity he sacrificed his Son. [[John the Apostle]] wrote, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16 KJV).
 +
 
 +
Furthermore, ''agapē'' is the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for others. In the above quote from Saint Paul, he added as the most important virtue of all: "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV). Jesus taught, "Love your enemies" (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27), in keeping with the character of ''agapē'' as unconditional love, given without any expectation of return. Loving in this way is incumbent on all Christians, as [[John the Apostle]] wrote:
 +
 
 +
<blockquote>If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4.20).</blockquote>
 +
 
 +
====In Islam====
 +
[[Islam]] also lifts up the ideal that one should love even one's enemies. A well-known [[Hadith]] says, "A man is a true Muslim when no other Muslim has to fear anything from either his tongue or his hand." (Bukhari).
 +
 
 +
Among the 99 names of God ([[Allah]]) are "the Compassionate," "the Merciful," and "the Loving One" ''(Al-Wadud)''. God's love is seen as an incentive for sinners to aspire to be as worthy of God's love as they may. All who hold the faith have God's love, but to what degree or effort he has pleased God depends on the individual itself.
 +
 
 +
This ''[[Ishq]],'' or divine love, is a chief emphasis of [[Sufism]]. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is often referred to as the religion of Love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved, with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through love, humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace.
 +
 
 +
====In Judaism====
 +
{{Quote box|
 +
width=35%
 +
|align=right
 +
|quote="And you shall love the <small>[[Tetragrammaton|Lord]]</small> your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might."
 +
|source=[[Deuteronomy]] 6:5|}}
 +
 
 +
[[Judaism]] employs a wide definition of love, both between people and between humans and the Deity. As for the former, the [[Torah]] states, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18). As for the latter, one is commanded to love God "with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:5), taken by the [[Mishnah]] (a central text of the Jewish [[oral law]]) to refer to good deeds, willingness to sacrifice one's life rather than commit certain serious transgressions, willingness to sacrifice all one's possessions, and being grateful to the Lord despite adversity (Berachoth 9:5, Sanhedrin 74a).
 +
 
 +
The twentieth century rabbi [[Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler]] is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point of view as "giving without expecting to take" (''Michtav me-Eliyahu'', vol. I), as can be seen from the Hebrew word for love ''ahava,'' as the root of the word is ''hav,'' to give.
 +
 
 +
As for love between marital partners, this is deemed an essential ingredient to life: "See life with the wife you love" ([[Ecclesiastes]] 9:9). The Biblical book [[Song of Solomon|Song of Songs]] is a considered a romantically-phrased metaphor of love between God and his people, but in its plain reading reads like a love song. However, romantic love ''per se'' has few echoes in Jewish literature.
 +
 
 +
====In Buddhism====
 +
[[Buddhism]] clearly teaches the rejection of ''[[Kāma]],'' sensuous, sexual love. Since it is self-centered, it is an obstacle on the path to [[enlightenment (Buddhism)|enlightenment]]. Rather, Buddhism advocates these higher forms of love:
 +
 
 +
*''[[Karuna|Karunā]]'' is compassion and mercy, which reduces the [[suffering]] of others. It is complementary to wisdom, and is necessary for enlightenment.
 +
 
 +
*''[[Advesa]]'' and ''[[metta|maitrī]]'' are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. This ideal of Buddhist love is given from a place of detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare. The ''Metta Sutta'' describes divine love as universal, flowing impartially to all beings:
 +
 
 +
<blockquote>May all beings be happy and secure, may their hearts be wholesome! Whatever living beings there be: feeble or strong, tall, stout or medium, short, small or large, without exception; seen or unseen, those dwelling far or near, those who are born or those yet unborn—may all beings be happy!<br/>
 +
 
 +
Let none deceive another, nor despise any person whatsoever in any place. Let him not wish any harm to another out of anger or ill-will. Just as a mother would protect her only child at the risk of her own life, even so, let him cultivate a boundless heart towards all beings. Let his thoughts of boundless love pervade the whole world: above, below, and across without any obstruction, without any hatred, without
 +
any enmity. Whether he stands, walks, sits or lies down, as long as he is awake, he should develop this mindfulness. This, they say, is the noblest living here. (Sutta Nipata 143-151)<ref>World Scripture, [http://www.unification.net/ws/theme024.htm True Love.] Retrieved October 8, 2007.</ref></blockquote>
 +
 
 +
*In Tibetan Buddhism, the [[Bodhisattva]] ideal involves the complete renunciation of oneself in order to take on the burden of a suffering world. Since even the aspiration for personal salvation can involve a sense of self, the bodhisattva rejects it as an unwholesome state, and instead puts the salvation of others ahead of his own salvation. The strongest motivation to take the path of the Bodhisattva is the limitless sacrificial love of a parent towards her only child, now cultivated to the extent that one can love all beings universally in this way.
 +
 
 +
====In Confucianism====
 +
[[Image:Love-zh.svg|180px|thumb|The traditional [[Chinese character]] for love (愛) consists of a [[heart]] (心, in the middle) inside of "accept," "feel," or "perceive," which shows a graceful emotion.]]
 +
 
 +
In [[Confucianism]], true love begins with the heart's foundation of benevolence (''ren,'' 仁). The philosopher [[Zhu Xi]] regarded ''ren'' as a universal principle and the basis for love and harmony among all beings:
 +
 
 +
<blockquote>Benevolence (仁) is simple undifferentiated gentleness. Its energy is the springtime of the universe, and its principle is the mind of living things in the universe (Zhu Xi).</blockquote>
 +
 
 +
However, benevolence must be cultivated in actual human relationships. This is ''[[lian]]'' (戀), the virtuous benevolent love that is cultivated in the family and society. The practice of loving relationships is the sum of the moral life. More than that, it is through participating in these relationships that a person's identity and worth are formed.
 +
 
 +
The Chinese philosopher [[Mo-tzu]] developed a second concept of love, ''ai'' (愛), which is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, and without regard to reciprocation. It is close to the Christian concept of [[agape]] love. Confucianism also calls for love for all beings, but sees such social love as an extension of the elements of love learned in the family.
 +
 
 +
====Hinduism====
 +
In [[Hinduism]] ''bhakti'' is a Sanskrit term meaning "loving devotion to the supreme God." Hindu writers, theologians, and philosophers have distinguished nine forms of devotion that they call [[bhakti]]. As regards human love, Hinduism distinguishes between ''kāma,'' or sensual, sexual love, with ''[[prema]],'' which refers to elevated love. It also speaks of ''[[Karuna]],'' compassion and mercy which reduces the suffering of others.
 +
 
 +
''Prema'' has the ability to melt [[karma]] which is also known as the moving force of past actions, intentions, and reactions to experience in life. When people love all things, the force of karma that is in relation to those things, events, or circumstances slowly starts going towards peacefulness, relaxation, and freedom and people find themselves in a "state of love."
 +
 
 +
Thus, all the major religions agree that the essential characteristic by which true love can be identified is that it focuses not on the needs of the self, but is concerned with those of others. Each adds its unique perspective to this essential truth.
 +
 
 +
== Platonic love ==
 +
In the fourth century B.C.E., the Greek philosopher [[Plato]] posited the view that one would never love a person in that person’s totality, because no person represents goodness or beauty in totality. At a certain level, one does not even love the person at all. Rather, one loves an abstraction or image of the person’s best qualities. Plato never considered that one would love a person for his or her unique qualities, because the ideas are abstractions that do not vary. In love, humanity thus looks for the best embodiment of a universal truth in a person rather than that of an idiosyncratic truth.
  
[[Image:Dante and beatrice.jpg|thumb|250px|Dante looked longingly at Beatrice Portinari as she passed by him with Lady [[Vanna]] (in red) in ''Dante and Beatrice'', by [[Henry Holiday]]]]
+
Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an [[affection]]ate relationship into which the [[sex]]ual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual [[friendship]] between two [[Heterosexuality|heterosexual]] people of the opposite sex.
Love is one of the most featured themes in all of culture, more than knowledge, [[money]], power, or even [[life]] itself. Love is the absolute, eternal desire of all human beings, and as such it is the most popular topics in all the arts. For as long as there have been [[song]]s and the written word, there have been works dedicated to love.  
 
  
The type of love often featured is unrequited love. The first century B.C.E. Roman poet [[Catullus]] wrote about his unrequited love for [[Lesbia]] ([[Clodia]]) in several of his Carmina. Perhaps the most famous example in Western culture of unrequited love is [[Dante Alighieri]] for Beatrice. Dante apparently spoke to Beatrice only twice in his life, the first time when he was nine years old and she was eight. Although both went on to marry other people, Dante nevertheless regarded Beatrice as the great love of his life and his "[[muse]]." He made her the guide to [[Heaven]] in his work ''[[The Divine Comedy]]''. Additionally, all of the examples in Dante's manual for poets, [[La Vita Nuova]], are about his love for Beatrice. The prose which surrounds the examples further tells the story of his lifelong devotion to her.  
+
[[Image:Plato i sin akademi, av Carl Johan Wahlbom (ur Svenska Familj-Journalen).png|thumb|left|200 px|Plato and his companions.]]
 +
Ironically, the very [[eponym]] of this love, Plato, as well as [[Socrates]] and others, belonged to the community of men who engaged in erotic pedagogic friendships with boys. The concept of platonic love thus arose within the context of the debate pitting mundane sexually expressed [[pederasty]] against the philosophic—or chaste—pederasty elaborated in Plato's writings. Hence, the modern meaning of Platonic love misunderstands the nature of the [[Platonic idealism|Platonic ideal]] of love, which from its origin was that of a [[chaste]] but passionate love, based not on lack of interest but virtuous restraint of sexual desire. This love was meant to bring the lovers closer to wisdom and the Platonic [[Form]] of Beauty. It is described in depth in Plato's [[Phaedrus (Plato)|''Phaedrus'']] and ''[[Symposium (Plato)|Symposium]].''  In the ''Phaedrus,'' it is said to be a form of divine madness that is a gift from the gods, and that its proper expression is rewarded by the gods in the afterlife; in the ''Symposium,'' the method by which love takes one to the form of beauty and wisdom is detailed.
  
[[Shakespeare]] touched on the topic in his plays ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]'', ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]]'' and ''[[Twelfth Night]]''. A more threatening unrequited lover, Roderigo, is shown in ''[[Othello]]''.
+
Plato and his peers did not teach that a man's relationship with a youth should lack an [[erotic]] dimension, but rather that the longing for the beauty of the boy is a foundation of the friendship and love between those two. However, having acknowledged that the man's erotic desire for the youth magnetizes and energizes the relationship, they countered that it is wiser for this eros to not be sexually expressed, but instead be redirected into the intellectual and emotional spheres.  
  
Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians for decades. [[Blues]] artists incorporated it heavily; it is the topic of [[B.B. King]]'s ''Lucille'' and "[[The Thrill is Gone]]," [[Ray Charles]]' ''What'd I Say''. [[Eric Clapton]]'s band [[Derek and the Dominos]] devoted a whole album to the topic, ''[[Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs]]'', which included such famous songs as ''[[Layla]]'' and ''Bell Bottom Blues''. Many [[Rock n' Roll]] musicians also based songs on unrequited love; from [[The Eagles]] all the way to [[Led Zeppelin]], almost every classic rock band has at least one song on the topic.  
+
Because of its common, modern definition, Platonic love can be seen as paradoxical in light of these philosophers' life experiences and teachings. To resolve this confusion, French scholars found it helpful to distinguish between ''amour platonique'' (the concept of non-sexual love) and ''amour platonicien'' (love according to Plato). When the term "Platonic love" is used today, it generally does not describe this aspect of Plato's views of love.
  
Not all songs of love are unrequited, however. Many feature the theme of new love, "falling in love"
+
==Love in culture==
:Take my hand, take my whole life too
 
:For I can't help falling in love with you (''Can't Help Falling in Love'' sung by [[Elvis Presley]])
 
and the joy and anticipation of "endless love" together:
 
:Two hearts,
 
:Two hearts that beat as one
 
:Our lives have just begun. (''Endless Love'' by [[Lionel Ritchie]])
 
  
Others find the greatest love to be from [[God]], or in loving oneself:
+
[[Image:Dante and beatrice.jpg|thumb|250px|Dante looked longingly at Beatrice Portinari as she passed by him with Lady [[Vanna]] (in red) in ''Dante and Beatrice'', by [[Henry Holiday]]]]
:Learning to love yourself
+
Love is one of the most featured themes in all of culture, more than knowledge, [[money]], power, or even [[life]] itself. Love is the absolute, eternal desire of all human beings, and as such it is the most popular topic in all the arts. For as long as there have been [[song]]s and the written word, there have been works dedicated to love.  
:It is the greatest love of all (''Greatest Love of All'' sung by [[Whitney Houston]])
 
Perhaps, learning to love yourself is the greatest love because it opens the way to receive love from others.
 
  
==True love vs. false love==
+
The type of love often featured is unrequited love. The first century B.C.E..E. Roman poet [[Catullus]] wrote about his unrequited love for [[Lesbia]] ([[Clodia]]) in several of his Carmina. Perhaps the most famous example in Western culture of unrequited love is [[Dante Alighieri]] for Beatrice. Dante apparently spoke to Beatrice only twice in his life, the first time when he was nine years old and she was eight. Although both went on to marry other people, Dante nevertheless regarded Beatrice as the great love of his life and his "[[muse]]." He made her the guide to [[Heaven]] in his work, ''[[The Divine Comedy]].'' Additionally, all of the examples in Dante's manual for poets, [[La Vita Nuova]], are about his love for Beatrice. The prose which surrounds the examples further tells the story of his lifelong devotion to her.  
Though the definition and concept of love varies from society to society, a few types of love can be considered to be universally held as "true." True love is nurturing and powerful. This type of love helps those experiencing it live fuller lives. These include love for and from [[God]]; love within a [[family]], including conjugal love which itself involves many elements such as romantic love, [[human sexuality|sex]], and deep [[friendship]]; [[self-esteem|love for one's self]] in the context of recognition of one abilities and value in relation to [[society]]; and [[altruism|love for others]]. True love is a powerful blessing for any person who experiences it.  
 
  
The [[Christian]] [[Bible]] says,  
+
[[Shakespeare]] tackled the topic in his plays, ''[[Romeo and Juliet]],'' ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream]],'' and ''[[Twelfth Night]].'' A more threatening unrequited lover, Roderigo, is shown in ''[[Othello]].''
<blockquote>There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because he first loved us. If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4.18-20).</blockquote>
 
  
Love benefits all of those who partake in it, even the love of one's enemies. The [[Islam]]ic ''Hadith of Bukhari'' says, "A man is a true Muslim when no other Muslim has to fear anything from either his tongue or his hand."
+
Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians for decades. [[Blues]] artists incorporated it heavily; it is the topic of [[B.B. King]]'s "Lucille" and "The Thrill is Gone," [[Ray Charles]]'s "What'd I Say." [[Eric Clapton]]'s band, Derek and the Dominos devoted a whole album to the topic, ''Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs.'' From [[The Eagles]] all the way to [[Led Zeppelin]], almost every classic [[Rock and roll|rock]] band has at least one song on the topic of love.  
  
Thus, the essential characteristic by which true love can be identified is that it focuses not on the needs of the self, but is concerned with those of the other(s).<ref>''Educating for True Love'' (International Educational Foundation 2006 ISBN 1891958070)</ref>
+
A theme in much popular music is that of new love, "falling in love:"
 +
:Take my hand, take my whole life too
 +
:For I can't help falling in love with you ("Can't Help Falling in Love" sung by [[Elvis Presley]])
  
In opposition to true love is false love. False loves are those not fulfilling to their participants emotionally or spiritually. False love can be distracting and actually hurt those in pursuit of it. The first of these is unrequited love, which is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. Beyond unrequited love is [[lust]] in which someone only wishes to engage in physical sex acts without commitment. Lustful love is also made manifest in the use of [[pornography]] or the committing of sex [[crime]]s such as [[rape]]. Additional forms of false love include [[adultery]] and [[incest]], which are forms of loving the wrong people. Finally, there is a perversion of self-love, [[narcissism]], in which a person loves themselves more than is appropriate.
+
The singers may be anticipating the joy of "endless love" together:
 +
:Two hearts,
 +
:Two hearts that beat as one
 +
:Our lives have just begun. ("Endless Love" by [[Lionel Ritchie]])
  
False love can lead to [[feeling]]s such as [[depression (depression)|depression]], low [[self-esteem]], [[anxiety]], and mood swings such as swift changes between depression and [[Euphoria (emotion)|euphoria]]. False love can lead to [[conflict]] between people as much as lack of love does.
+
These songs reflect the celebration of adolescence in American culture, with its rather shallow and unrealistic view of romantic love. Compared to the tradition of unrequited love, there is little here that speaks to love as a life-long bond, persevering and enduring despite disappointments and hardships.
  
 
==Notes==
 
==Notes==
Line 390: Line 346:
  
 
==References==
 
==References==
* Roger Allen, Hillar Kilpatrick, and Ed de Moor, eds. ''Love and Sexuality in Modern Arabic Literature''. London: Saqi Books, 1995.
+
* Allen, Roger, Hillar Kilpatrick, and Ed de Moor (eds.). ''Love and Sexuality in Modern Arabic Literature.'' London: Saqi Books, 1995.
* Shadi Bartsch and Thomas Bartscherer, eds. ''Erotikon: Essays on Eros, Ancient and Modern''. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2005.
+
* Bartsch, Shadi and Thomas Bartscherer (eds). ''Erotikon: Essays on Eros, Ancient and Modern.'' Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2005.
* Mary Baker Eddy, "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. 2006  
+
* Eddy, Baker M. ''Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures.'' The Christian Science Board of Directors, 2006. ISBN 978-0879523060
 
* Devine, Tony, Joon Ho Seuk, and Andrew Wilson. ''Cultivating Heart and Character: Educating for Life's Most Essential Goals.'' Chapel Hill, NC: Character Development Publishing, 2000. ISBN 1892056151
 
* Devine, Tony, Joon Ho Seuk, and Andrew Wilson. ''Cultivating Heart and Character: Educating for Life's Most Essential Goals.'' Chapel Hill, NC: Character Development Publishing, 2000. ISBN 1892056151
* Helen Fisher. ''Why We Love: the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love''
+
* Fisher, Helen. ''Why We Love: the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.'' Holt Paperbacks, 2004. ISBN 978-0805077964
* Fromm, Erich. 2006. ''The Art of Loving''. Harper Perennial Modern Classics. ISBN 0061129739
+
* Froböse, Gabriele, and Rolf Froböse. Michael Gross (Trans.). ''Lust and Love: Is it More Than Chemistry?'' Royal Society of Chemistry, 2006. ISBN 0854048677
* Gabriele Froböse, Rolf Froböse, Michael Gross (Translator): ''Lust and Love: Is it more than Chemistry?'' Publisher: Royal Society of Chemistry, ISBN 0-85404-867-7, (2006).  
+
* Fromm, Erich. ''The Art of Loving.'' Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006. ISBN 0061129739
* Johnson, P (2005) 'Love, Heterosexuality and Society'. Routledge: London.
+
* Johnson, P. ''Love, Heterosexuality and Society.'' Routledge: London, 2005.
* Thomas Jay Oord, Science of Love: The Wisdom of Well-Being. Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation Press, 2004.
+
* Jones, Del. "One of USA's Exports: Love, American Style." ''USA Today'', 2006.  
* Peck, M. Scott. 2003. ''The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition : A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth''. Touchstone. ISBN 0743243153
+
* Oord, Thomas J. ''Science of Love: The Wisdom of Well-Being.'' Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation Press, 2004. ISBN 978-1932031706
* R. J. Sternberg. ''A triangular theory of love''. 1986. Psychological Review, 93, 119&ndash;135
+
* Peck, M. Scott. ''The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values ,and Spiritual Growth.'' Touchstone,2003. ISBN 0743243153
* R. J. Sternberg. ''Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories''. 1987. Psychological Bulletin, 102, 331&ndash;345
+
* Sternberg, R. J. "A triangular theory of love." ''Psychological Review,'' 93(119) (1986): 135.
*Sternberg, R. J. 1998. ''Cupid's Arrow - the Course of Love through Time''. Cambridge University Press. ISBN 0-521-47893-6
+
* Sternberg, R. J. "Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories." ''Psychological Bulletin'', 102(331) (1987): 345.
* Dorothy Tennov. ''A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It "Limerence": The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov''. Greenwich, CT: The Great American Publishing Society (GRAMPS)
+
* Sternberg, R. J. ''Cupid's Arrow--the Course of Love through Time.'' Cambridge University Press,1998. ISBN 0521478936
* Wood, Wood and Boyd. ''The World of Psychology''. 5th edition. 2005. Pearson Education, 402&ndash;403
+
* Tennov, Dorothy. ''Love and Limerence.'' Scarborough House,1979.  ISBN 0812823281
* Jones, Del. "One of USA's Exports: Love, American Style" ''USA Today'': February, 14, 2006.
+
* Tennov, Dorothy. ''A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It "Limerence": The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov''. Greenwich, CT: The Great American Publishing Society (GRAMPS).
* Tennov, Dorothy. 1979. ''Love and Limerence''. Scarborough House. ISBN 0812823281
+
* Wood, Samuel E., Ellen Green Wood, and Denise Boyd. ''The World of Psychology.'' 6th edition. Pearson Education, 2007. ISBN 978-0205499410
  
 
==External links==
 
==External links==
 +
All links retrieved July 21, 2014.
 +
* [http://www.beautifulislam.net/tellmemore/god_and_love.htm God and Love] Beautiful Islam. 
 +
* [http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?AID=42538 Love: An Anthology] Compiled by Yanki Tauber  Chabad.org.
 +
* [http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/RP2-Love.html#anchor_54 Thermodynamics, Psychology, Chemistry, and Love]
 +
* [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4240579.stm Unrequited love can be a 'killer'] BBC News.
  
* [http://www.students.emory.edu/HYBRIDVIGOR/issue1/thermo.htm The Thermodynamics of Love] Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
* [http://www.humanthermodynamics.com/RP2-Love.html#anchor_54 Thermodynamics, Psychology, Chemistry, and Love] Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
* [http://www.practical-philosophy.org.uk/Volume4Articles/PlatoTheoryOfLove.htm Plato's Theory of Love] Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
* [http://www.chabad.org/article.asp?AID=42538 Love: An Anthology] Compiled by Yanki Tauber  Chabad.org. Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
* [http://www.beautifulislam.net/tellmemore/god_and_love.htm God and Love] Beautiful Islam. Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
* [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4240579.stm Unrequited love can be a 'killer'] BBC News. Retrieved August 11, 2007.
 
  
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[[Category:Philosophy and religion]]
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[[Category:Politics and social sciences]]
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[[Category:Lifestyle]]
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[[Category:Marriage and family]]
 
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Revision as of 14:49, 21 July 2014


The Kiss by Francesco Hayez, 1859

Popularly, Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness. Depending on context, love can have a wide variety of intended meanings, including sexual attraction. Psychologists and religious teachings, however, define love more precisely, as living for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being.

The ancient Greeks described love with a number of different words: Eros was impassioned, romantic attraction; philia was friendship; xenia was kindness to the guest or stranger. Agape love, which the Greeks defined as unconditional giving, became the keystone of Christianity, where it is exemplified in Christ's sacrificial love on the cross. Some notion of transcendental love is a salient feature of all the world's faiths. "Compassion" (karuna) in Buddhism is similar to agape love; it is represented by the bodhisattva, who vows not to enter Nirvana until he has saved all beings. Yet love encompasses all these dimensions, eros as well as agape.

Perhaps the best context in which to develop such love is the family, where the love that is given and received is of various kinds. Closest to agape love is the sacrifice and investment that parents willingly give on behalf of their children. Children, in turn, offer their parents filial devotion and respect that grows more profound with the passing years. Siblings care for and help one another in various ways. The love between spouses is a world in itself. Grandparents bear a profound regard for their grandchildren. All of these types of love have their distinctive features.

Love is universally desired, but love can be fraught with infidelity, deceit, possessiveness, unrealistic expectations, jealousy, and hate. Love, in fact, is at the root of much pain and conflict in the world. Marriages break down when the passion of romance cools. Religions like Buddhism and Roman Catholicism regard family love as incompatible with the higher life. Nevertheless, people still long for "true love," love that never fails. Psychologists and character educators hold that much of the heartbreak of failed love could be avoided by education about the nature of love, and by cultivating the self to be able to love well.

Definitions

Love is notoriously difficult to define. This is partly a difficulty of the English language, which uses the word "love" to cover such a wide variety of things. That is why English borrows heavily fromancient Greek, which employed different terms to characterize different types of affectionate human relationships: Eros for passionate romantic relationships; philia for friendship; xenia for kindness to guests or stranger; and agape for unconditional, sacrificial giving, regardless of any return.

In East Asia, love is expressed through the so-called "Five Relationships:" between parent and child, between husband and wife, between siblings, between friends, and between a ruler and his subjects. This way of thinking suggests that love is manifested differently in different social and interpersonal contexts. Furthermore, even within one of these contexts—sexual love—love can take on different qualities, such as infatuation, romantic love, and committed love.

In striving for an accurate definition of love, one can begin by comparing its opposites. As an expression of unique regard, commitment, and special intimacy, "love" is commonly contrasted with "like;" as a romantic relationship that is not primarily sexual but includes commitment and care, "love" is commonly contrasted with "lust;" and as an interpersonal relationship with romantic overtones, "love" is commonly contrasted with friendship.

Philosophers have long sought to define love. The Greek philosopher Empedocles (fourth century B.C.E.) argued that all motion in the universe was caused by the interplay of two forces: Love (philia) and strife (neikos). These two forces were said to intermingle with the classical elements—earth, water, air, and fire—with love serving as the binding power that links the various parts of existence harmoniously together. Most philosophers have recognized though that the essential quality of love is that it focuses on the other, not on the self. Thomas Jay Oord defined love as acting intentionally, in sympathetic response to others (including God), to promote overall well-being. Bertrand Russell described love as a condition of absolute value, as opposed to relative value.

Psychologists warn against a common misconception about love: To construe love as a feeling. According to Erich Fromm and M. Scott Peck, the popular usage of the word "love" to mean a fondness or affection felt by one person for another inevitably leads to disappointment, as feelings are fickle and affection can fade. They advocate the view that love is other-centered activity. In his classic, The Art of Loving, Fromm considers love to be an interpersonal and creative capacity of humans rather than an emotion. The key elements of love are "care, responsibility, respect," and "knowledge." Fromm argued that the common idea of "falling in love" was evidence of people's misunderstanding of the concept of love, as the narcissism and mistreatment of the object of such attention which often ensues are hardly creative. Fromm also stated that most people do not truly respect the autonomy of their partner, and are largely unaware of their partner's wants and needs. Genuine love involves concern for the other and the desire to satisfy their needs rather than one's own.[1] M. Scott Peck, in The Road Less Traveled, likewise taught that love is an activity or investment rather than a feeling. Peck even argues that romantic love is a destructive myth, leading to unhealthy dependency. He differentiates between love and instinctive attractions, such as to the opposite sex or to babies. The feelings of affection that these instincts generate are not love, Peck argues; however he admits that a certain amount of affection and romance is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love.[2]

An active definition of love fits best with popular understandings: In a poll of Chicago residents, the most favored definitions of "love" involve altruism, selflessness, friendship, union, family, and an enduring bond to another human being.[3] Thus, a good working definition of love is "to live for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being."

Contexts of Love

Love is to be found in a variety of contexts. Conjugal love, parental love, friendship, compassion, love of self, love of country, love of God—"love" or its opposites can be found in all the diverse contexts for human relationships. This article's definition—to live for the sake of another, motivated by heart-felt feelings of caring, affection, and responsibility for the other's well-being—describes behaviors and attitudes that span all these contexts.

Family love

Grandma's Favorite, by Georgios Iakovidis, 1893.

The family is where most people are introduced to the experience of love. Family love takes different forms, including conjugal love between spouses, parental love for children, children's love for their parents, and sibling relationships.

Children respond to their parents' caring by strongly bonding to their parents; from this early relationship they develop trust, empathy with others, and a sense of self-worth. Children's love includes feelings of respect and admiration for their parents, and is expressed by obedience and the desire to please their parents. Adult children will care for their aged parents and work to complete their parents' unfinished tasks and dreams. In Asia this type of love is called filial piety; yet it is fairly universal.

The opposite of a filial child is a spoiled child, who thinks and acts as though the universe revolves around him; this can be a problem especially in only children. Having siblings helps children shed self-centeredness and learn to share, to give, and to forgive. Parents can help older children become more other-centered by including them in the care of the new baby, activating altruism and rewarding it with praise. Like mentoring relationships in school, sibling love often respects the asymmetry in age between the children, establishing complementary roles between elder and younger siblings. Siblings can be a tremendous source of support, as they are usually close in age and can act as each other's friends and confidants. On the other hand, sibling rivalries sometimes create serious strife between siblings. Parents can often do much to ameliorate sibling rivalries by showing unconditional regard for all their children.

Conjugal love is the natural union between spouses and is the sign of a healthy marriage. This is one area where the sexual expression of love finds its natural place, blossoming and bearing fruit.

Parents' love for their children naturally calls forth investment and sacrifice. This love may be tested as the children grow into adolescents with their own needs, distinctive personalities, and divergent values. Tensions may develop, unless the parents are mature enough to give unconditional love to their children. Early in life, children often do not appreciate the role parents have played in providing support emotionally and materially. This is something the adult child realizes, making for strong bonds of gratitude and obligation in later life. Aristotle wrote that it is impossible for children to ever pay off the debt owed to their parents for raising them.

Grandparents have an innate need to give from their storehouse of knowledge and experience to enrich the younger generation. Opportunities to love grandchildren provide elders with "a higher sense of self."[4] As they watch their grown children shoulder the responsibility of parenthood, most are moved to help as much as they can. They give joyfully and share of their wisdom, knowing that their legacy will live on.

Friendship

Friendship is a close relationship between people. This type of love provides a great support system for those involved. Friends often share interests, backgrounds, or occupations. Friends can act as sources of fun, advice, adventure, monetary support, and self-esteem. Such relationships are usually based on mutual respect and enjoyment, and do not have a sexual component.

Like sibling relationships, friendships offer opportunities to build skills in problem-solving, social communication, cooperation in groups, and conflict resolution. They are forerunners to adult relationships in the workplace and prepare young people for marriage—the "passionate friendship." According to psychologist Willard Hartrup:

Peer relations contribute substantially to both social and cognitive development and to the effectiveness with which we function as adults. Indeed, the single best childhood predictor of adult adaptation is not school grades, and not classroom behavior, but rather the adequacy with which the child gets along with other children. Children who… cannot establish a place for themselves in the peer culture are seriously at risk.[5]

Love in community

Love is also needed in the larger spheres of life beyond family and friends. Community involvement takes many forms, including helping neighbors in need, joining in service activities, watching out for criminal activity, volunteering for duties in local government bodies, helping with disaster relief, and charitable giving. Such ways of love in community increase one's sense of self-worth and widen one's circle of adult friends.

Patriotism at its best is expressed in voluntary sacrifice when one's country is under threat. Traditionally regarded as a virtue, it expresses solidarity with one's fellow-citizens and gratitude for the many benefits gained from one's country, its history, and the ideals it represents. In the modern world where nationalism is criticized for its partiality, people are coming to see themselves as members of a single global community and are expressing their global patriotism by volunteering for international service—for example, the American Peace Corps, supporting Non-Governmental Organizations that serve the needs of the developing world, and charitable giving to help refugees and the victims of war and disaster throughout the world.

Rootedness in a loving family is an important foundation for love in community. Relationships in the family impart internal working models for relationships in the community. Studies of unusual altruism—people who rescued Jews in Nazi-occupied Europe, for example—indicate that the rescuers had warm relationships with their parents, thus increasing their empathy for others.[6] Children whose parents are of different races or religions are raised to practice tolerance and accept differences. Children who have warm, caring relationships with their parents and grandparents are more likely to be considerate to elderly people in general.

On the other hand, the negative social effects of family breakdown have been well documented.[7] Children of broken families are more likely to grow up to be prone to criminality, violence, and substance abuse. Crime rates have been shown to correlate with divorce and single parenting. Family life helps channel male aggressiveness into the constructive roles of responsible fatherhood. Family dysfunction, on the other hand, leaves mental and emotional scars which can impair relationships with co-workers, neighbors, and authority. The worst sociopaths—Adolf Hitler among them—were brutally abused as children.

Love of the natural world

The ability to love and care for nature is an essentially human quality. People often develop strong emotional attachments to pets, who may reciprocate with loyalty and dependent appreciation. As the highest form of life on earth, human beings are in a special position to care for all things as loving stewards. Love for nature is encouraged by a sense of dependence and indebtedness to the earth, and gratitude for its provision, which sustains life and health. The natural world inspires us with its beauty and mystery—the poet William Blake wrote of seeing “a world in a grain of sand, And a heaven in a wild flower.”[8] Urban life far removed from nature impoverishes the emotions, or as the Lakota express it, “When a man moves away from nature his heart becomes hard.” This principle has been put to use in prison programs that rehabilitate inmates through involvement in gardening.[9]

Hunting, fishing, and other sporting activities in nature promote the love of nature, and sportsmen often have a strong desire to preserve it unspoiled for subsequent generations. Thus it was the great sportsman Theodore Roosevelt who established the U.S. National Parks system. The solution to environmental problems begins by learning how to love the earth, all its wondrous features—mountains, rivers, oceans, trees, and so on—and all its living creatures.

Love of the things of the wider world begins with one's home environment and the things one uses: The house and yard, the car, and the spaces in which people live. Daily chores, cleaning, and repairing the things people use, is a way of loving those things. The environment responds to this love; there are numerous anecdotes, for example, about how an owner who loves his automobile can coax even a broken vehicle to run. A clean house and a well-running automobile add comfort and joy to life.

Love in work

"Work is your love made visible," said the poet Kahlil Gibran. The challenges of work can be an opportunity to express love, by appreciating one's given task from a transcendent perspective as one's small part in creating the great Universe. Martin Luther King, Jr. once remarked:

Even if it falls to your lot to be a street sweeper, go out and sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures; sweep streets like Handel and Beethoven composed music; sweep streets like Shakespeare wrote poetry; sweep streets so well that all the host of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, "Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well."[10]

A day of hard work ends with refreshment, relaxation, and peace, all the sweeter if a person has given his or her all to the work of the day. The rewards of work include pride in a job well done, camaraderie with co-workers, respect, learning, gratitude from those for whom the work is performed, expressed in both monetary and non-monetary terms. Work performed with love thus elevates the worker in innumerable ways.

God's love

God's love is widely seen as his benevolence, mercy, and care upon human beings. This belief is not exclusive to those of Christian upbringing, but is held by people across all religions and is supported by holy texts in each. In Islam, the Qur'an describes God as "the Merciful, the Compassionate." The Jewish psalms praise God for his "loving-kindness" (chesed), by which he has preserved and guided his people throughout history. The Buddhist Gandavyuha Sutra says, "The Great Compassionate Heart is the essence of Buddhahood." The Christian Bible states, "God is love" (1 John 4:8). God's love is recognized in Jesus, who gave his life on the cross for human salvation, and through Jesus is seen the character of God the Father, who gave his only begotten Son for the sake of sinners. Many believers of all faiths consider themselves in a deep, personal relationship with God in which they are direct recipients of God's love and blessings, and of God's forgiveness for the sins of their former lives.

St. Augustine argued that God's goodness necessarily overflows into creation. The author of the letters of John wrote, "We love, because he first loved us" (1 John 4:19). People who are inspired by the love of God feel joy to sacrifice themselves for the sake of their beloved; which in the absence of God's love they would not do. The Bhagavad Gita states, "To love is to know Me/My innermost nature/The truth that I am" (18.55). Not only in the human world, but the beauty of nature can be regarded as an expression of God's love.

The Bible commands, "you should love the Lord your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:4). The covenant relationship to God requires humans to respond to God's love by loving God in return. The Christian saints beginning with Paul endured many tribulations in their efforts to love God and do his will by preaching Christ to the unbelieving people. In the Qur'an, the believers are called "God's helpers" (61:14).

God's love is often seen as universal love. The concept that God needs people's help to do his will, which is to bring justice and peace to the earth, implies that there are myriads of opportunities to love God through loving other people and helping them in their distress. The Bible teaches, "If God so loved us, we also ought to love one another" (1 John 4:12). The Buddhist saint Nagarjuna wrote: "Compassion is a mind that savors only mercy and love for all sentient beings" (Precious Garland 437). The Bhagavad Gita describes in lofty terms the state of spiritual union encompassing all beings: "I am ever present in those who have realized Me in every creature. Seeing all life as My manifestation, they are never separated from Me. They worship Me in the hearts of all, and all their actions proceed from Me" (6:30-31).

Self-love

Self-love, depending on how it is construed, can be either the bane of genuine love or a necessary foundation for loving in all contexts. Where self-love is construed as self-centeredness, placing concern for self first, as in narcissism, it can be viewed entirely in the negative. The effort to live for the sake of the other that is genuine love requires giving up territories of self-centeredness at every turn.

Yet, without being able to love oneself, loving others is often difficult. It is hard to love others while hating oneself, and even harder to receive love when feeling unworthy. People need to love themselves enough to care for their health and strive to better themselves. The victories they gain in life give confidence, and confident people do better in life and are generally happier as a result (or vice versa). Self-love creates a positive attitude towards life that helps people deal with the everyday problems, rather than dwelling on negatives.

Loving oneself begins with the childhood experiences of loving parents. Abandoned babies, children raised in institutions or shuttled from foster home to foster home, find it difficult in later years to love deeply and make lasting bonds with other people.[11] Children also need to experience the obligations that loving parents impose, that responsibility and kindness win parental approval. From these experience, they learn to find self-worth in conquering the challenges of life's journey and striving in the realms of love.

Philosopher Thomas Aquinas posed the "problem of love" as whether the desire to do good for another is solely because the lover sees someone worth loving, or if a little self-interest is always present in the desire to do good for another. Aquinas understood that human expressions of love are always based partly on love of self and similitude of being:

Even when a man loves in another what he loves not in himself, there is a certain likeness of proportion: because as the latter is to that which is loved in him, so is the former to that which he loves in himself.[12]

Other thinkers, notably the Russian philosopher Vladimir Solovyov, have recognized that the essential quality of love is that it focuses on the other, not on the self. In The Meaning of Love, he wrote that love

forces us with all our being to acknowledge for another the same absolute central significance which, because of the power of our egoism, we are conscious of only in our selves.[13]

Personal development of competencies for loving

Love as an act of giving, living for the other, requires a set of competencies that one learns through a lifetime. Thus, Erich Fromm wrote of The Art of Loving.[14] He acknowledged that people seek love desperately, and often inappropriately, which he attributed to the fact that "the desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man." Yet since love is an interpersonal and creative capacity of humans rather than an emotion, the essential elements of love—including empathy, caring, responsibility, and the wisdom to act in a way that will really benefit the other—are "arts" that must be learned.

The family as the school of love

The family is the primary locus where most people cultivate their character and learn how to love. The family of origin is the context for a child's lessons about love and virtue, as he or she relates to parents and siblings. The challenges of marriage and parenting bring further lessons. Precisely because of this crucial role in character development, family dysfunction is the origin of some of the deepest emotional and psychological scars. Experiences of childhood sexual abuse, parents' divorce, and so forth lead to serious problems later in life.

The family structure provides the basic context for human development, as its members take on successive roles as children, siblings, spouses, parents, and grandparents. As educator Gabriel Moran put it, "The family teaches by its form."[15] These different roles in the family describe a developmental sequence, the later roles building upon the earlier ones. Each role provides opportunities to develop a particular type of love, and carries with it specific norms and duties. For this reason, the family has been called "the school of love."

Even though the family may be unsurpassed as a school of love, it can also convey bias and prejudice when love in the family is not on the proper foundation, cautions the Confucian Doctrine of the Mean. To rectify this problem, one must back up to consider the individual and the training he or she requires to be capable of true love.

Mind-body training to curb self-centeredness

Among the most important tasks in developing the ability to love others is to curb self-centeredness. Self-centeredness and the desires of the body can override the conscience, which naturally directs the mind towards the good—what is best for everyone. Concern with the self can easily override the conscience's promptings to do altruistic deeds—sweep a neighbor's walk, give money to a passing beggar, or stop to help a motorist stuck on the road-side. "I don't have time," or "I need that money for my own kids," becomes a person's self-talk, and the conscience is overridden. Negative peer pressure, motivated by the self's desire to "fit in," can lead to cruel and unloving behavior. Sexual desire can lead to deceit and exploitation, to taking advantage of a friend who deserves better with blandishments of "I love you" for the sake of nothing more than the body's gratification.

To deal with this problem, people need training in self-discipline, the fruit of continuous practice of good deeds by curbing the more body-centered desires to conform to those of the mind. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “With self-discipline most anything is possible.” Self-discipline is fundamental to character growth, which in turn is fundamental to the capacity to give genuine love. This training begins at a young age:

In a revealing study, preschoolers were given a choice of eating one marshmallow right away or holding out for fifteen minutes in order to get two marshmallows. Some youngsters ate the treat right away. Others distracted themselves to control their bodies from grabbing the treat; they were duly rewarded with two marshmallows. A follow-up study conducted years later when the children graduated from high school found that those who had displayed the ability to delay gratification even at that young age grew up to be more confident, persevering, trustworthy, and had better social skills; while the grabbers were more troubled, resentful, jealous, anxious, and easily upset.[16]

Thus, even a modicum of self-control at an early age sets up a pattern that leads to greater self-mastery.

Many religious teachings focus on ascetic practices to subjugate the desires of the flesh, in order to liberate the higher mind from its slavery to the body. In the Hindu Upanishads, the self is described as a rider, the body as a chariot, the intellect as the charioteer and the mind as the reins. The physical senses are likened to the power of the horses thundering down the mazes of desire (Katha Upanishad 1.3.3-6). This image shows that unless self-discipline is strong, the desires of the flesh enslave a person. Therefore, a person needs to establish self-control as a basis for his or her actions with others. “Who is strong? He who controls his passions,” states the Mishnah (Abot 4.1).[17]

Contemporary society’s fondness for maximum individual freedom and autonomy presents challenges to those who would discipline themselves, and who would strengthen the moral will of those under their care. On one hand, society imposes far less external controls on individual behavior than it traditionally has; social expectations are quite lax on every matter from etiquette to sexual behavior. This would suggest that the locus of control must reside within the individual as never before. Yet there has probably never been less social support for individual self-control. Western consumer-oriented society exalts comfort and self-indulgence and scorns restraint and discipline. To instill self-control in oneself or others goes against the cultural tide. Yet it is an essential task. To conquer the realm of the body is an awesome responsibility which every person must undertake.

The religious traditions advocate two basic means to mind and body unity. One is to weaken the influence of the body by denying its desires. “Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God,” exhorts St. Paul (Romans 12:1). This is the path of asceticism, which includes such training methods as fasting, reducing the amount of sleep, taking frequent cold showers, and quitting bad habits like smoking. The obedience of military life and living a simple and non-indulgent lifestyle are also recommended. The second path to mind-body unity is to reinforce the strength of the mind through various methods, including prayer, meditation, study of Scripture, mindfulness (becoming aware of one's states of mind and refraining from acting during unstable states like anger and complaint), setting and achieving worthy goals, respect for parents, and other lessons of family life.

To love even when it is difficult: This requires the capability of the mind to assert itself over the demands of the body. Through efforts to reduce the pull of the flesh while enhancing our moral and spiritual strength, the mind and body can be brought into unity. The heart is thus liberated to give of itself freely and unselfishly.

Conjugal Love

Swans forming a heart, a common symbol for love; scientists have recently begun to study the chemistry of pair bonding in animals as models for human bonding.

Conjugal love, including its sexual expression, is perhaps the most formidable of loves. It is inextricably intermingled not only with the impulse to bond for life but also the creation of life, and the passing down of genes and lineage. The power of sexual love is as deep and elemental as the wind or the sea and just as impossible to tame or even fully comprehend. For this reason, educating for true love necessarily involves imparting insights about sexuality and coaching in directing this marvelous force.

Sex within its rightful place of marriage is an expression of deepest trust and affection, bonding the two partners together in deep communion and joy. Spouses’ physical communion is the origin of families, which in turn are the schools for learning love and what it means to be human. Sex outside of marriage, however, is like a fire outside of its hearth, a threat to all concerned. It is uniquely prone to compulsiveness that overrides the conscience. Psychologist Rollo May differentiated between the impulse for love and the drive for sex, saying, "For human beings, the more powerful need is not sex per se but for relationships, intimacy, acceptance, and affirmation." Hence casual sex is built on the vain hope that satisfying the sexual impulses of the body will somehow satisfy the loneliness of the heart.[18] For these reasons, religious traditions and societies throughout history have provided strong guidelines for sexual expression. “The moral man,” reads a Confucian text, “finds the moral law beginning in the relation between man and woman” (Doctrine of the Mean 12).[19]

The link between sex and love

The sex instinct is the biological counterpart to the spiritual heart impulse to love. Ethicist Lewis B. Smedes describes sexuality as the “human impulse towards intimate communion,”[20] which impels one towards a close connection with another person.

The very sex organs themselves give obvious testimony in biology to the principle of living for another and with another. This is at the core of what Pope John Paul II called the “nuptial meaning of the body,” that is, its capacity for union and communion through selfless giving.[21] Rabbi Shmuley Boteach observes that sex is “simply the only human activity that physically necessitates another human being.”[22] In this sense, the genital organs symbolize the desire of the heart for conjugal oneness. The sexual parts of the body are the only organs that cannot fulfill their fullest function without their counterpart in a member of the opposite sex; they are almost useless otherwise. It is the same with the spiritual heart; it cannot find fulfillment without the beloved either. Indeed, the heart and the sexual parts are connected. One moves the other; there is a mysterious link of reinforcement between the communion of lovers’ hearts and union of their genitals.

Thus, the man offers his body to the woman for her to experience the meaning of her own physical sexuality, and vice versa. This primal, inescapable need draws the two sexes to bridge the divide and lend their strengths and concede their weakness for one another. In this way, the sexual urge embodies the innate push of masculinity and femininity towards oneness, towards greater love and completeness.

This correspondence between the spiritual heart and the physical reproductive organs is the basis for the universal regard for sexual modesty, even among peoples who do not wear clothes. Just as individuals show self-respect by revealing their heart only to special people in their lives, so people honor the sexual parts of the body by hiding them from public view. If the body is the temple of the spirit, then this area represents the innermost sanctuary, the holiest place, the shrine and palace of love. A sense of the sacredness of the genital organs may have been behind the ancient Roman custom of men making oaths with their hand on their private parts. Certainly it helps to explain why Yahweh asked of Hebrew males to be circumcised and bear the mark of their special covenant with Him there.

Sacredness of sexuality

'Sacred Love versus Profane Love' by Giovanni Baglione

The way that partners utterly lose themselves during physical union has always suggested its transcendent side. This is one of the reasons people have historically posited sex as a spiritually elevating force in itself, heedless of its moral context, and even worshiped it. This perennial fallacy, coupled with the pernicious power of sex in general—not to mention the ease with which even spiritually based personal relationships can become sexualized and destructive—have all contributed to why some of the world religions tend to scrupulously separate sex from matters relating to God.

Thus, although sex and spirituality are not commonly discussed together, it is simply a further reflection of the unique and paradoxical position humans occupy as spiritual yet embodied beings. Sexuality in many ways reflects this most dramatically. The sex urge is an instinctual drive yet it allows participants to co-create with God an eternal being (a child). It is a spiritual impulse towards oneness, even as it craves bodily expression and sensual play.

Likewise, one can surmise that God would be attracted to lovemaking between a fully mature husband and wife, mirroring as it does the fullness of the Divine heart. The couple's self-giving resonates with the self-giving nature of God. The unity of man and woman reflects the unity of masculinity and femininity in the Godhead. The conception of a child invites the presence of God in that moment, the creation of a new spiritual being.

Recognizing the sacredness of sexuality, Judaism teaches that that the Shekhinah (the feminine aspect of God) is present in marital relations, and encourages couples should make love on the Sabbath, the holiest day of the week. Islam has couples consecrating their lovemaking by offering a prayer. Buddhism and Hinduism contain secret Tantric teachings for initiates who have reached the requisite spiritual level to harness the powerful force of sexuality for self-realization.

The holiness of sexuality may be the reason behind many of the religious traditions’ prohibitions against fornication, adultery, and lesser offenses. This negative emphasis invites charges of sexual repression. Yet one can argue that the purpose of these prohibitions is to highlight the sacredness, the unique importance and beauty of sexuality, and therefore it is a tribute to a fundamentally positive view of sex. In the Bible, even the older man is reminded, “Let your fountain be blessed and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5.18-19).

Ascertaining the quality of conjugal love

Young people can benefit from a clear-eyed discussion about the nature of love that helps them distinguish between true conjugal love and its myriad of counterfeits. Conjugal love itself involves many elements, including romantic love, sex, deep friendship, and mature commitment to a life-long relationship. Inspiring examples from the culture and one’s own family and neighbors can illuminate ennobling ties between men and women.

Love vs. infatuation

The most basic distinction is between genuine love and infatuation—the common feeling of love based mainly on sexual attraction and passion. Infatuation is characteristic of immature, self-centered "love." Couples whose feelings for one another are at the level of infatuation enjoy the passion of sexual love without the volitional aspect of living for the sake of the other in rough times as well as in good times. Their love lacks the integrity to weather the storms that are inevitable in any relationship. Their judgments about love is mainly self-centered—how their partner makes them feel loved—rather than judging themselves over how they might give more to their partner. The attraction is largely external—looks, income, status—rather than cherishing the other for his or her good heart and character. Infatuations start up quickly and fade over time. They foster self-absorption within the couple to the exclusion of others.

A simple expedient to separate such self-centered infatuation from genuine love is for the couple to abstain from sexual relations. "Ask the partner to wait until marriage for sex," recommends purity educator Mike Long, "and by their response you’ll know if he or she loves you."[23] This is an application of the classic Biblical definition: "Love is patient and kind… Love does not insist on its own way" (1 Corinthians 13.3-4).

Triangular model of love

A more complete theory of conjugal love has been put forth by psychologist Robert Sternberg, who posits three different components: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.

  1. Intimacy—which encompasses the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
  2. Passion—which encompasses the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
  3. Commitment—which encompasses, in the short term, the decision that one loves another, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love.

Intimacy is a form of love by which two people can share secrets and various details of their personal lives. Intimacy is usually shown in friendships and romantic love affairs. Passion, born of sexual attraction, is shown in infatuation as well as romantic love. Commitment, on the other hand, is the expectation that the relationship is going to last forever.

These three components, pictorially labeled on the vertices of a triangle, interact with each other and with the actions they produce and with the actions that produce them so as to form seven different kinds of love experiences:

Sternburg's Love Triangle
  intimacy passion commitment
Liking or friendship
x
   
Infatuation  
x
 
Empty love    
x
Romantic love
x
x
 
Companionate love
x
 
x
Fatuous love  
x
x
Consummate love
x
x
x

The size of the triangle functions to represent the amount of love—the bigger the triangle, the greater the love. The shape of the triangle functions to represent the kind of love, which typically varies over the course of the relationship: passion-stage (right-shifted triangle), intimacy-stage (apex-triangle), commitment-stage (left-shifted triangle), typically.

Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple.” Typically, couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long term with anyone else, they weather their few storms gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with each other.[24]

Biological understandings

Mating of Large Red Damselfly (Pyrrhosoma nymphula) with male on top, in Ciney, Belgium, configured in the shape of a heart, a common symbol of love.

Biological models of sexual love support the above psychological theories. Some biologists and anthropologists posit two major drives: Sexual attraction and attachment. Others divide the experience of love into three partly-overlapping stages: Lust, attraction, and attachment. Attraction can be stimulated by the action of pheromones, similar to that found in many species. Attachment between adults is presumed to work on the same principles that lead infants to become attached to their primary caregivers. It involves tolerating the spouse long enough to rear a child.

Studies in neuroscience have indicated that a consistent number of chemicals are present in the brain when people testify to feeling love. More specifically, higher levels of testosterone and estrogen are present during the lustful or sexual phase of a relationship. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are commonly found during the attraction phase of a relationship. Oxytocin and vasopressin seem to be closely linked to long term bonding and relationships characterized by strong attachments.

Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops as commitment to an individual mate forms. As two people fall in love, their brains release chemicals, including dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to effects such as an increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement.[25] The serotonin effects of being in love have a similar chemical appearance to obsessive-compulsive disorder; which could explain why a person in love cannot think of anyone else.[26] Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years and studies have found that a protein molecule known as the nerve growth factor (NGF) has high levels when people first fall in love, but these levels return to as they were after one year.[27]

Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding which promotes relationships that last for many years, and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests. It has been linked to higher levels of the chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin than short-term relationships have.

The biological perspective views love as an instinctual and physical drive, just like hunger or thirst. Psychological and philosophical perspectives emphasize the mental and spiritual aspects, including feelings and volition. There are elements of truth in all views—as the constitution of human physiology works in concert with the mind to make love a holistic and all-encompassing experience.

The myth of "falling in love"

One insidious fallacy pushed upon people from all sides is the myth of “falling in love:” Only an overwhelming, irresistible attraction springing up spontaneously between two people can lead to true and lasting love between them. The only challenge is to find the right person who arouses this feeling. If later on problems arise and the feeling should wane, this means this was the wrong person after all and the relationship should end.

This misunderstanding neglects the volitional aspect of loving. “While it sounds romantic to ‘fall’ in love, the truth is that we decide who we want to love,” asserts high school relationship educator Charlene Kamper.[28] While it is true that the feeling aspect of love—as a strong state of liking—is beyond control, the intentional aspect—as a chosen attitude and behavior—is not. The latter can influence the former. In other words, the decision to love can encourage the feeling of love.[29]

A person of character in a committed relationship will make effort to love whether or not he or she feels loving at the time.[30] This, of course, is the ordinary experience of parents who actively fulfill the duties of love even in the absence of warm feelings, and find their hearts renewed and affection restored. All religious exhortations to love one’s neighbor and even one’s adversary are based on the idea of love as a decision. Though everyone wants to be fond of their spouse without effort, just as one would with a friend, the reality is that in both marriage and friendship, love demands a large measure of doing what one does not feel like doing.

Understanding love as involving an act of will brings in the element of choice. This can be a source of freedom and security for youth, who often struggle with fears that certain flaws mean no one can love them or that married love will someday vanish. “If we fall out of love,” they wonder, “how can we bring it back?” They can learn it is possible to generate love even when it is not readily flowing. Indeed, if a man and woman have prepared themselves for lasting love—by the training they received in their own families, by cultivating self-control, and so on—a strong and affectionate connection builds or rebuilds between them that only deepens and strengthens over time.

Since it is not whom one loves that counts as much as how one loves, youth do not have to wait helplessly to bump into the “right person.” They can be getting practice and building confidence in becoming loving persons where they are right now. Furthermore, the notion of love as an active verb helps young people grasp the key difference between maturity and immaturity—the immature focus on being loved; the mature focus on giving love.

Religious teachings on Love as an ethical and spiritual ideal

Religions lift up those qualities that make for "true love"—love that helps those experiencing it live fuller lives. These include love for and from God; love within a family, including conjugal love; friendship; love for the community, and general altruism.

In Christianity

The Christian ideal of love is most famously described by Saint Paul:

Love is patient; love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4–7 NIV).

Christianity lifts up the Greek term Agapē to describe such love. Agapē love is charitable, selfless, altruistic, and unconditional. It is the essence of parental love, ever creating goodness in the world; it is the way God is seen to love humanity. It was because of God's agapē love for humanity he sacrificed his Son. John the Apostle wrote, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16 KJV).

Furthermore, agapē is the kind of love that Christians aspire to have for others. In the above quote from Saint Paul, he added as the most important virtue of all: "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV). Jesus taught, "Love your enemies" (Matthew 5:44, Luke 6:27), in keeping with the character of agapē as unconditional love, given without any expectation of return. Loving in this way is incumbent on all Christians, as John the Apostle wrote:

If anyone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen (1 John 4.20).

In Islam

Islam also lifts up the ideal that one should love even one's enemies. A well-known Hadith says, "A man is a true Muslim when no other Muslim has to fear anything from either his tongue or his hand." (Bukhari).

Among the 99 names of God (Allah) are "the Compassionate," "the Merciful," and "the Loving One" (Al-Wadud). God's love is seen as an incentive for sinners to aspire to be as worthy of God's love as they may. All who hold the faith have God's love, but to what degree or effort he has pleased God depends on the individual itself.

This Ishq, or divine love, is a chief emphasis of Sufism. Sufis believe that love is a projection of the essence of God to the universe. God desires to recognize beauty, and as if one looks at a mirror to see oneself, God "looks" at itself within the dynamics of nature. Since everything is a reflection of God, the school of Sufism practices to see the beauty inside the apparently ugly. Sufism is often referred to as the religion of Love. God in Sufism is referred to in three main terms which are the Lover, Loved, and Beloved, with the last of these terms being often seen in Sufi poetry. A common viewpoint of Sufism is that through love, humankind can get back to its inherent purity and grace.

In Judaism

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might."
Deuteronomy 6:5

Judaism employs a wide definition of love, both between people and between humans and the Deity. As for the former, the Torah states, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18). As for the latter, one is commanded to love God "with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:5), taken by the Mishnah (a central text of the Jewish oral law) to refer to good deeds, willingness to sacrifice one's life rather than commit certain serious transgressions, willingness to sacrifice all one's possessions, and being grateful to the Lord despite adversity (Berachoth 9:5, Sanhedrin 74a).

The twentieth century rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler is frequently quoted as defining love from the Jewish point of view as "giving without expecting to take" (Michtav me-Eliyahu, vol. I), as can be seen from the Hebrew word for love ahava, as the root of the word is hav, to give.

As for love between marital partners, this is deemed an essential ingredient to life: "See life with the wife you love" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). The Biblical book Song of Songs is a considered a romantically-phrased metaphor of love between God and his people, but in its plain reading reads like a love song. However, romantic love per se has few echoes in Jewish literature.

In Buddhism

Buddhism clearly teaches the rejection of Kāma, sensuous, sexual love. Since it is self-centered, it is an obstacle on the path to enlightenment. Rather, Buddhism advocates these higher forms of love:

  • Karunā is compassion and mercy, which reduces the suffering of others. It is complementary to wisdom, and is necessary for enlightenment.
  • Advesa and maitrī are benevolent love. This love is unconditional and requires considerable self-acceptance. This is quite different from the ordinary love, which is usually about attachment and sex, which rarely occur without self-interest. This ideal of Buddhist love is given from a place of detachment and unselfish interest in others' welfare. The Metta Sutta describes divine love as universal, flowing impartially to all beings:

May all beings be happy and secure, may their hearts be wholesome! Whatever living beings there be: feeble or strong, tall, stout or medium, short, small or large, without exception; seen or unseen, those dwelling far or near, those who are born or those yet unborn—may all beings be happy!

Let none deceive another, nor despise any person whatsoever in any place. Let him not wish any harm to another out of anger or ill-will. Just as a mother would protect her only child at the risk of her own life, even so, let him cultivate a boundless heart towards all beings. Let his thoughts of boundless love pervade the whole world: above, below, and across without any obstruction, without any hatred, without

any enmity. Whether he stands, walks, sits or lies down, as long as he is awake, he should develop this mindfulness. This, they say, is the noblest living here. (Sutta Nipata 143-151)[31]

  • In Tibetan Buddhism, the Bodhisattva ideal involves the complete renunciation of oneself in order to take on the burden of a suffering world. Since even the aspiration for personal salvation can involve a sense of self, the bodhisattva rejects it as an unwholesome state, and instead puts the salvation of others ahead of his own salvation. The strongest motivation to take the path of the Bodhisattva is the limitless sacrificial love of a parent towards her only child, now cultivated to the extent that one can love all beings universally in this way.

In Confucianism

The traditional Chinese character for love (愛) consists of a heart (心, in the middle) inside of "accept," "feel," or "perceive," which shows a graceful emotion.

In Confucianism, true love begins with the heart's foundation of benevolence (ren, 仁). The philosopher Zhu Xi regarded ren as a universal principle and the basis for love and harmony among all beings:

Benevolence (仁) is simple undifferentiated gentleness. Its energy is the springtime of the universe, and its principle is the mind of living things in the universe (Zhu Xi).

However, benevolence must be cultivated in actual human relationships. This is lian (戀), the virtuous benevolent love that is cultivated in the family and society. The practice of loving relationships is the sum of the moral life. More than that, it is through participating in these relationships that a person's identity and worth are formed.

The Chinese philosopher Mo-tzu developed a second concept of love, ai (愛), which is universal love towards all beings, not just towards friends or family, and without regard to reciprocation. It is close to the Christian concept of agape love. Confucianism also calls for love for all beings, but sees such social love as an extension of the elements of love learned in the family.

Hinduism

In Hinduism bhakti is a Sanskrit term meaning "loving devotion to the supreme God." Hindu writers, theologians, and philosophers have distinguished nine forms of devotion that they call bhakti. As regards human love, Hinduism distinguishes between kāma, or sensual, sexual love, with prema, which refers to elevated love. It also speaks of Karuna, compassion and mercy which reduces the suffering of others.

Prema has the ability to melt karma which is also known as the moving force of past actions, intentions, and reactions to experience in life. When people love all things, the force of karma that is in relation to those things, events, or circumstances slowly starts going towards peacefulness, relaxation, and freedom and people find themselves in a "state of love."

Thus, all the major religions agree that the essential characteristic by which true love can be identified is that it focuses not on the needs of the self, but is concerned with those of others. Each adds its unique perspective to this essential truth.

Platonic love

In the fourth century B.C.E., the Greek philosopher Plato posited the view that one would never love a person in that person’s totality, because no person represents goodness or beauty in totality. At a certain level, one does not even love the person at all. Rather, one loves an abstraction or image of the person’s best qualities. Plato never considered that one would love a person for his or her unique qualities, because the ideas are abstractions that do not vary. In love, humanity thus looks for the best embodiment of a universal truth in a person rather than that of an idiosyncratic truth.

Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not enter, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex.

Plato and his companions.

Ironically, the very eponym of this love, Plato, as well as Socrates and others, belonged to the community of men who engaged in erotic pedagogic friendships with boys. The concept of platonic love thus arose within the context of the debate pitting mundane sexually expressed pederasty against the philosophic—or chaste—pederasty elaborated in Plato's writings. Hence, the modern meaning of Platonic love misunderstands the nature of the Platonic ideal of love, which from its origin was that of a chaste but passionate love, based not on lack of interest but virtuous restraint of sexual desire. This love was meant to bring the lovers closer to wisdom and the Platonic Form of Beauty. It is described in depth in Plato's Phaedrus and Symposium. In the Phaedrus, it is said to be a form of divine madness that is a gift from the gods, and that its proper expression is rewarded by the gods in the afterlife; in the Symposium, the method by which love takes one to the form of beauty and wisdom is detailed.

Plato and his peers did not teach that a man's relationship with a youth should lack an erotic dimension, but rather that the longing for the beauty of the boy is a foundation of the friendship and love between those two. However, having acknowledged that the man's erotic desire for the youth magnetizes and energizes the relationship, they countered that it is wiser for this eros to not be sexually expressed, but instead be redirected into the intellectual and emotional spheres.

Because of its common, modern definition, Platonic love can be seen as paradoxical in light of these philosophers' life experiences and teachings. To resolve this confusion, French scholars found it helpful to distinguish between amour platonique (the concept of non-sexual love) and amour platonicien (love according to Plato). When the term "Platonic love" is used today, it generally does not describe this aspect of Plato's views of love.

Love in culture

Dante looked longingly at Beatrice Portinari as she passed by him with Lady Vanna (in red) in Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday

Love is one of the most featured themes in all of culture, more than knowledge, money, power, or even life itself. Love is the absolute, eternal desire of all human beings, and as such it is the most popular topic in all the arts. For as long as there have been songs and the written word, there have been works dedicated to love.

The type of love often featured is unrequited love. The first century B.C.E. Roman poet Catullus wrote about his unrequited love for Lesbia (Clodia) in several of his Carmina. Perhaps the most famous example in Western culture of unrequited love is Dante Alighieri for Beatrice. Dante apparently spoke to Beatrice only twice in his life, the first time when he was nine years old and she was eight. Although both went on to marry other people, Dante nevertheless regarded Beatrice as the great love of his life and his "muse." He made her the guide to Heaven in his work, The Divine Comedy. Additionally, all of the examples in Dante's manual for poets, La Vita Nuova, are about his love for Beatrice. The prose which surrounds the examples further tells the story of his lifelong devotion to her.

Shakespeare tackled the topic in his plays, Romeo and Juliet, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Twelfth Night. A more threatening unrequited lover, Roderigo, is shown in Othello.

Unrequited love has been a topic used repeatedly by musicians for decades. Blues artists incorporated it heavily; it is the topic of B.B. King's "Lucille" and "The Thrill is Gone," Ray Charles's "What'd I Say." Eric Clapton's band, Derek and the Dominos devoted a whole album to the topic, Layla & Other Assorted Love Songs. From The Eagles all the way to Led Zeppelin, almost every classic rock band has at least one song on the topic of love.

A theme in much popular music is that of new love, "falling in love:"

Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you ("Can't Help Falling in Love" sung by Elvis Presley)

The singers may be anticipating the joy of "endless love" together:

Two hearts,
Two hearts that beat as one
Our lives have just begun. ("Endless Love" by Lionel Ritchie)

These songs reflect the celebration of adolescence in American culture, with its rather shallow and unrealistic view of romantic love. Compared to the tradition of unrequited love, there is little here that speaks to love as a life-long bond, persevering and enduring despite disappointments and hardships.

Notes

  1. Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006). ISBN 0061129739
  2. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled (Simon & Schuster, 1978). ISBN 0-671-25067-1
  3. Institute of Human Thermodynamics, '04 Poll of 250 Chicagoans. Retrieved August 14, 2007.
  4. Eric H. Erikson, Joan M. Erikson, and Hellen Kivnick, Vital Involvement in Old Age: the Experience of Old Age in Our Time (New York: Norton, 1986), p. 53.
  5. Williard W. Hartup, “Having Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends: Relationships as Educational Contexts,” ERIC Digest, (The Educational Resources Information Center, University of Minnesota’s Center for Early Education and Development, 1992), p. 1.
  6. Samuel P. and Pearl M. Oliner, The Altruistic Personality: Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe (New York: Free Press, 1988), p. 171.
  7. Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Doubleday, 2000).
  8. William Blake, “Auguries of Innocence,” from Poems (1863).
  9. “Catherine Sneed,” Giraffe Project Hero, Giraffe Heroes Project Retrieved September 9, 2007.
  10. Martin Luther King, Jr., “The Three Dimensions of a Complete Life,” delivered at New Covenant Baptist Church, Chicago, Illinois, April 9, 1967. Retrieved October 8, 2007.
  11. Selma H. Fraiberg, The Magic Years (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1959), p. 293.
  12. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica (New York: Benziger Bros., 1948).
  13. Vladimir Solovyov, The Meaning of Love (Lindisfarne Books, 1995). ISBN 0940262185
  14. Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving (Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006). ISBN 0061129739
  15. Gabriel Moran, Religious Education Development: Images for the Future (Minneapolis: Winston Press, 1983), p. 169.
  16. Uichi Shoda, Walter Mischel, and Philip K. Peake, “Predicting Adolescent Cognitive and Self-Regulatory Competencies from Preschool Delay of Gratification,” Developmental Psychology 26/6 (1990), pp. 978-986.
  17. R. Travers Herford, ed., The Ethics of the Talmud: Sayings of the Fathers (New York: Schocken Books, 1925, 1962).
  18. Rollo May, Love and Will (New York: Norton, 1969).
  19. Lin Yutang, trans., The Wisdom of Confucius (New York: Random House, 1938).
  20. Lewis B. Smedes, Sex for Christians (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Eerdmans), p. 19.
  21. Christopher West, The Pope's Theology of the Body, Part II. Retrieved October 8, 2007.
  22. Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, The Role of the Emotions in Religion. Retrieved October 8, 2007.
  23. Mike Long, “Everyone is NOT Doing It!: Emotional Roller Coaster,” Abstinence Education Video Series, M.L. Productions, 2002.
  24. Robert Sternberg, Cupid's Arrow: The Course of Love through Time (Cambridge University Press, 1998). ISBN 0-521-47893-6
  25. Robert Winston, Human (Dorling Kindersley Publishers Ltd., 2004). ISBN 140530233X
  26. Lauren Slater, "Love: The Chemical Reaction," National Geographic (2006).
  27. E. Polliti Emanuele, Bianchi P., M. Minoretti, M. P. Bertona & Geroldi, D. “Raised plasma nerve growth factor levels associated with early-stage romantic love", Psychoneuroendocrinology, (2005). Retrieved August 14, 2007.
  28. Charlene Kamper, Connections: Relationships and Marriage, Teachers Manual (Berkeley, California: The Dibble Fund for Marital Enhancement, 1996), p. 35.
  29. Lori H. Gordon, Passage to Intimacy (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993), p. 28.
  30. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993), pp. 119-120.
  31. World Scripture, True Love. Retrieved October 8, 2007.

References
ISBN links support NWE through referral fees

  • Allen, Roger, Hillar Kilpatrick, and Ed de Moor (eds.). Love and Sexuality in Modern Arabic Literature. London: Saqi Books, 1995.
  • Bartsch, Shadi and Thomas Bartscherer (eds). Erotikon: Essays on Eros, Ancient and Modern. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2005.
  • Eddy, Baker M. Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. The Christian Science Board of Directors, 2006. ISBN 978-0879523060
  • Devine, Tony, Joon Ho Seuk, and Andrew Wilson. Cultivating Heart and Character: Educating for Life's Most Essential Goals. Chapel Hill, NC: Character Development Publishing, 2000. ISBN 1892056151
  • Fisher, Helen. Why We Love: the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Holt Paperbacks, 2004. ISBN 978-0805077964
  • Froböse, Gabriele, and Rolf Froböse. Michael Gross (Trans.). Lust and Love: Is it More Than Chemistry? Royal Society of Chemistry, 2006. ISBN 0854048677
  • Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006. ISBN 0061129739
  • Johnson, P. Love, Heterosexuality and Society. Routledge: London, 2005.
  • Jones, Del. "One of USA's Exports: Love, American Style." USA Today, 2006.
  • Oord, Thomas J. Science of Love: The Wisdom of Well-Being. Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation Press, 2004. ISBN 978-1932031706
  • Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Traveled, 25th Anniversary Edition: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values ,and Spiritual Growth. Touchstone,2003. ISBN 0743243153
  • Sternberg, R. J. "A triangular theory of love." Psychological Review, 93(119) (1986): 135.
  • Sternberg, R. J. "Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories." Psychological Bulletin, 102(331) (1987): 345.
  • Sternberg, R. J. Cupid's Arrow—the Course of Love through Time. Cambridge University Press,1998. ISBN 0521478936
  • Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence. Scarborough House,1979. ISBN 0812823281
  • Tennov, Dorothy. A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It "Limerence": The Collected Works of Dorothy Tennov. Greenwich, CT: The Great American Publishing Society (GRAMPS).
  • Wood, Samuel E., Ellen Green Wood, and Denise Boyd. The World of Psychology. 6th edition. Pearson Education, 2007. ISBN 978-0205499410

External links

All links retrieved July 21, 2014.

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